Zombie from Plants vs. Zombies

Zombie already say Zombie not make resolutions but Zombie editor getting all fussy so Zombie going to make exception just this one time. ‘K, you know how Plants vs. Zombies 2 is coming out in 2013? You know that right? How does you not know that. Oh, wait. Now you know that. Okay, anyways, where was Zombie… Oh, right. In 2013 Plants vs. Zombies 2 is coming out and Zombie resolve to win this time. You has been warned.

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Lex from Bookworm

I will endeavor to further assay lexicological phenomena in my continual undertaking to expand my already Brobdingnagian personal word-hoard. In this, I am resolute.

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The Frog from Zuma

My resolution is to keep my cool when in Hot Frog mode. Seriously, no more panicking and wasting those shots when I could be clearing the curve for major points!

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Tula from Peggle

I will give more blooming flowers and magical flowering rainbows of budding extremeness to the world. And get more shimmer lip gloss. And some really good eye drops. And eat a few bear claws now and again.

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Buckethead Gnome from Hammer Heads

I resolve to get out of my hole with my bucket intact, and to remember not to remove my bucket so often (as it leads to headaches). Also, I plan to begin and chair the “Jeff Green for Gnome President” committee, as he really seems to want to take the battle for gnome rights to the people of the world.

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Walter the Penguin from Insaniquarium

2013 is the year I will overcome my pugilistic nature.*

*Totally not. But I was asked to like, set a better example and stuff. Come on, I’m a penguin! I have wings but can’t fly, and everyone thinks I’m sooo cute and cuddly. Plus, my name is Walter, and every time I’m introduced to someone new, their eyes light up, and they yell, “Waaalllt!” and then look at me eagerly for approval. Yeah, I’ve seen Lost, the kid had the same name, I get it. Tell me you wouldn’t wanna punch someone from time to time. Except, um, don’t.  Because it’s only funny when penguins do it. And kangaroos. And Malcolm Reynolds.

Today’s look into the PopCap Vaults finds us prowling around in the darkest, dankest corners, where the lonely and forgotten games lie, like Edmond Dantes, mostly unloved and unplayed, waiting only for that day when they can see the sunlight once again, and declare themselves to anyone who cares: “I am alive, I do matter!”

For Hammer Heads, today is that day.

Released about 6.5 years ago, in 2006, and then somewhat surprisingly overshadowed by such other games as Gears of War and Elder Scrolls: Oblivion, Hammer Heads was PopCap’s take on the always respected and complex “Whac-A-Mole” genre, in which you hit things on the head as they pop up from holes in the ground. Why this was not up for any Game of the Year awards remains, to this day, one of gaming’s great scandals.

To distinguish Hammer Heads from the roughly 8,050 other Whac-A-Mole clones, PopCap came up with a unique and innovative vision: Instead of hitting moles on the head, you would hit gnomes on the head. To add to the game’s complexity, the developers created not just one, but a variety of gnomes, some harder to hit than others, some that would blow up if you tried to hit them, some whose heads inflated back up if you didn’t keep hitting them fast enough, and so on. Each time you missed a gnome, you’d lose a little bit of health. On the offensive side, you would start with one hammer, but then earn in-game coins (this was, sadly, before the existence of real-world microtransactions) which you could spend on bigger hammers, extra health, power-ups, and so on.

Like most PopCap games, what starts out bone simple ramps up with each succeeding level, so that by the time you hit the game’s later levels, you are frantically swinging the hammer so fast in an attempt to bash every gnome (or avoid the ones who damage you) that you may find yourself literally dripping sweat, which is why I always played the game with a lobster bib on.

Succeeding levels also reveal a whole host of new gnomes, that, when put all together, form an entire society of little people, thus adding an element of pathos to the entire affair, as you realize, with horror, that with each succeeding level, you are in fact committing genocide on an entire race, whose only crime was simply to attempt to come up for air after being banished to live in underground holes. Were the gnomes attempting to look for a new homeland, away from the relentless bashing of the giant hammers? Or were they simply attempting to get even one tiny gulp of oxygen before resuming their miserable lives underground. You’ll never know, because, in fact, you’ve killed them all.

And this is where the true impact of Hammer Heads lies, in the at-the-time rather revolutionary attempt to put the player in the role of the anti-hero, the Sauron, if you will, of this tragic fantasy universe. Bringing this kind of moral ambiguity to what had heretofore been unfairly dismissed as “mindless and uninspiring action of the lowest possible caliber” (my words) is what, with six years perspective, makes Hammer Heads truly a work of unqualified and unparalleled genius — a Dostoyevskian examination into the dark hearts of man, disguised as a jaunty little puzzle game. In this way, it might possibly be the most subversive game ever released.

It’s also a mildly entertaining diversion, for a few minutes anyway, when you really, truly have nothing better to do.

Yes, after a long and grueling campaign season, it is finally down to this. Three candidates, one office — and your vote. Because we know that you’re busy and may not have followed the campaign until now, or, like us, even been aware that it existed, we have asked the candidates to make one final statement before you cast your vote today. And no, we don’t know what they’re running for either. Just vote anyway and don’t ask so many questions.

The candidates’ official statements:

Stinky — Insaniquarium

To say that I was humbled by this nomination would be only slightly inaccurate, because the truth is, you don’t get any humbler than being a snail. In Charlotte’s Web, humble was defined as “low to the ground,” and, well… hello! I am stunned, truly, to learn that I am a candidate for this highest of honors.

I don’t have any campaign promises for you, but that’s all right, because you know what I’m about. I’m here to help — tend your gardens, grow your piggy banks in your absence, clean up after your pets and plants. It’s my pleasure to do it; every snail needs purpose, and my role in life has been endlessly rewarding. I would do it all without receiving anything in return, and yet you’ve been kind enough to give me chocolate! The food of kings… and of much larger mollusks.

It’s anybody’s guess whether slow and steady will win this race, but I’m happy just to be considered. If you need me, I’ll be picking up shiny objects or napping behind flowerpots. There’s work to be done, and I’m the snail to do it. I’ll just leave you with my motto:

Ask not what your fish tank can do for you, but what you can do for your fish tank!

Gondola — Venice

Gliding shoreline or sailing on the sea: we all are truth and self-evidence. I have wandered far, I have seen much. My knowledge is vast, yet my celebrity is small. I ask for your vote not for my own gain, but for yours.

Time and again, as the grand city of Venice plunged underwater, I rose up and carried it. When times are bleak and waves of fear wash over our great lands, I am buoyant. I will carry you to safety.

You have come today to make a choice. Do not take it lightly. Do not waiver like a ship lost at sea. Vote for Gondola and all your dreams come true. Shout out to Bowling Green and my peeps Freddie and Frieda. Go Falcons!

Stumpy — Hammer Heads

Friends, you will read a lot about the hardships and humble beginnings of my fellow candidates here on Election Day. And let me be the first to say that they are both fine leaders, as well as personal friends of mine. And in any other year might make fine choices. But this year, today, it is about finding the candidate who truly understands you, who’s experienced the kind of hard knocks in life that you, the people, face day after day. And I ask you, has anyone experienced harder knocks in life than the gnome standing before you today? For I am not talking about metaphorical knocks, my friends. My entire professional career has been devoted to one task and one task only: Getting knocked on the head with a hammer. When not getting knocked on the head, I sit in a hole underground, waiting only to emerge, simply to be hit again. This, my friends, is the meaning of sacrifice. I do this not because I enjoy it — though make no mistake, I do love my work and give thanks every day for the opportunity I’ve been given — but because the people demand it. The people need it. And should I win this election, I promise to give the same kind of devotion that I give to getting hit on the head with a hammer.

You have three great choices before you today. I only ask you to vote with your head. And remember that I have given you mine.