Moustache Contest!*

*Proper gentlemen prefer the proper spelling of “moustache.”

Competitors were given two weeks – TWO WEEKS! – to grow their finest Fu Manchu, Franz Josef or A La Souvarov. (And as someone who couldn’t grow a proper lip-brow if he had six months and a thousand dollars worth of dimoxinil, I am green with whisker-envy.)

A group of the non-bristled gathered to vote on the results. There were very strict criteria by which the mustachioed were judged. And by “very strict” I mean “totally random.” A winner was eventually crowned, but first let’s have a look at a few of the runners up (as judged by me 10 minutes ago).

Best Hat – Engineer Jason

Look for Jason in an upcoming episode of Mad Men. You won’t find him, but look.

Best Sarcastic Eyebrow – Artist Jason

Also a fine example of “The Policeman’s Standard.”

Best Most Obvious Cheat – Game Designer and noted Salvador Dali impersonator Scott

Scott is available for surrealist children’s birthday parties.

Finally, the winner and Moustache Champeen – Artist Stephan

For his effort he took home (or left on his desk as an everlasting tribute to his hirsute superiority) a magnetic mustache poetry kit and what looks like a two-pack of mustache erasers, which are either erasers shaped like mustaches or a miracle invention that will actually erase your mustache. Details remain unclear.

Keep up the good work, boys.