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Valentine’s Day is always so much pressure. I try to make my man feel special and appreciated every day, so holidays are just kind of annoying—like, now I have to come up with something better than what I already do, just because it’s some arbitrary holiday? What sort of thing would make you happy on Valentine’s Day?
No Fan of Cupid
Dear No Fan,
How you not be a fan of Cupid? What you got against a little nekkid guy running around shooting arrows at peepul? Hmm… now that Zombie write it down, it do seem like the kinda thing you might want to call the cops about. But Zombie heard Cupid sometimes ride a dolphin, so maybe wait around to see that before you get on the horn to the man to break things up.
Anyhoo, you not gots to celebrate Valentine’s Day. You could celebrate the Roman feast of the Luprecal. Might be tricky if you not into sacrificing animals. So scratch that one. You could celebrate the Norse holiday of Galatine’s Day, just to be… Norse? Or you could go around being all French about it and saying, “Mais non, it eez Galantine’s Day!” but then you might not have boyfriend when this dumb thing roll around next year so tread carefully. Also you sound like Pepe Le Pew.
Oh, Zombie know! St. Valentine is also patron saint of bee keepers, so fill your house with bees as a surprise for your man! Zombie bet he not see that one coming. Or, if you just over the whole thing, Zombie think you could celebrate, “Aw Crud! Taxes Due in Two Months Day!” That should take the starch out of romance right quick