Knock knock!

Who’s there?

India

India who?

India-vent you don’t pack a sandwich, we can pick up tacos!

Good, right?

Felicia Felix-Mentor

Dear Mrs. Huxtable,

See, how this thing work is, you aks Zombie a thing and then Zombie answer that thing. Zombie not really know what to do with this one because you already answered. Do you even need Zombie here? Anyway, tacos is more of a peepul thing and not a zombie thing. Oh, unless youse is talking about tacos de sesos. Then Zombie totally on board with that. Extra sesos, hold the tacos.

Also too as well in addition, here is Zombie favorite knock-knock joke:

Knock knock!

Come in!

yrs,
Zombie

____________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie-

I was thinking of visiting the mummies of Ferentillo this summer, and it made me wonder – how do you feel about mummies? What about ghouls? Spectres? Wraiths? Are there undead parties? And if so, what music is played? And what shoes do you wear?

Curiously,
William Beckford’s Nephew

Dear Sir Peter,

Zombie dig mummies (tee hee, Zombie made a funny). Akchually, Zombie lurnt a lot of what Zombie know from mummies. Zombie can not say much about mummy fashion sense, but when chips are down, you gonna want a mummy in your corner. Also, Zombie not know what “when chips are down” means. Zombie pretty sure Zombie fall in to ‘ghoul’ classification so it probly comflict of interest to say too much about that (Ghouls Rule!). Also, Zombie not care about comflict of interest. Spectres are a little mopey, if you want to know the truth. They make pretty good punch, so they always get invites to undead parties but spend a lot of time just standing in corner being all “boo hoo, I am a spectre and not even that judgy one from the comic books.” AND YOU STAY AWAY FROM WRAITHS. Zombie have complimacated relationship with Wraiths and do not need you messing it up.

Man, are we still on this question?

As for music what play at undead parties (always shoes-optional, bee-tee-dub), if you guess “Monster Mash” then go outside and walk west until yer hat floats. There is usually rotating music reps risps duties for parties. Except Spectre lost music privileges after putting “Who Killed Mr. Moonlight?” on repeat and wouldn’t let nobody near the boom box. Talk about a downer. Note: a little Bauhaus go a long, long (long) way. Where was Zombie… oh, right, music. Two words: Yma Sumac.

yrs,
Zombie

____________________________________________________________

Akaw!

Do you ever go surfing or are you a beach leech? If you’re a choka surfer, what would be the top ten surfing beaches you’d visit if you wanted to avoid swallowing the chowder but don’t mind getting in the soup?

Dude,
Dude

Dude,

Zombie not speak yer moon language. But Zombie not a quitter so maybe can figure this out. Zombie not really into the whole beach scene, except that sometimes Zombie can find sleepy people, covered in oil just lying around. It kind of like a buffet, so there is that. Zombie have never choked a surfer before but is not against it in theory. As for beaches to visit, Zombie always want to see Chowpatty Beach in Mumbai for it’s beautiful sands or the beach at Blackpool (England) for the friendly locals, but for obvious reasons (to Zombie and anybody what speak Spanish or not speak Spanish but what can use Google Translate and then not be disappointed in Google Translate because it doesn’t work)  Zombie number one beach is Playa Zipolite in Mexico. Go ask Jeeves.

yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________

Р~!

ҼȄӽ ҆퇑 xǀ ˷u帱q侾
ٵ順X, ĭX, ‘XX : ҼȄӽ =ǏŴٰ�頱ŇϽÁҿ
ٵ 灶, Ųĉ: ĉ Ÿ Ǐ頿؁��ȇρ��ʀ俼

Ƕ݀μBR

Listen Terence,

That not how it went down. At all. Get the story straight before you open your word hole.

yrs,
Zombie

___________________________________________________________

Hey Zombie,

I have trouble doing division. Like in the question 7 divide by 5. Do you have a brain to do it?

Sabeen

Hey Sabeen,

Do words “Texas Instruments” mean nothing to you? 7 divided by 5 is 1.4. You want Zombie should get all cosine up in here? Bring it.

yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________

Zombie owes guy named Rob an apology. Sorry Rob.
As for the rest of you, you have problems what only Zombie can fix.
Write to ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.

Before it is too late.

Tip 1: Rocks
Rocks may not seem like much — they just sit around and lamet lanmet mope about not being bigger. But rocks can gussy up any garden with artful placement. Especially if placement involves climbing ladder and dropping rocks straight onto stupid flowers.

Tip 2: Salt
You got to be kidding, zombie, says you. But no, I don’t kid, says zombie! Salt is delishus on just about any type of brain, and eating delishus brains when they salty and even more delishus makes any garden more toler tolerbl okay.

Tip 4: Asparagus Stinks
Alive peepuls once said asparagus is delishus. Other alive peepuls say it’s just ditch weed. I say the second group of victims peepuls is right, and also it is stinky ditch weed. You will get to know asparagus more very soon (catch my hint hint?) so I don’t think you also need to plant stinky plantz in beautiful rock patch.

Tip 4: Garden Party
After yore garden is pretty and you are tired from hard work, invite friendz over for party this Saturday, 7:00 oclock. Friendz are new thing this year for Zombie — alive peepuls sending me to lots of friendz houses lately, but no garden party yet. Anyhoo, garden party after planting work should be grand and include special beve berv drinks and horse durves. Be sure to put big sign out for party and keep gate unlocked.

I hope you enjoy theez tips. Now go make best garden ever.

Love,

Zombie

Need more gardening tips, or advice for perfecting any other part of your life?
Help Zombie help you.
Send your question to ZombieAdvice (at) PopCap.com

I have, as of late, grown increasingly bored. I’ve been making stuffed animals with felt but am fresh out of ideas! What do you think that I should make? Or should I just do something completely different, like draw or read or something?

What do you do when you’re bored? Or is eating brains such an entertaining occupation that you’re not concerned with how you spend your time?

Hoping for an answer,

Joy P.

P.S. Which do you hate more, pea shooters or cherry bombs?

Dear Joypi,

Maybe you wanna try making stuffed animals out of other things. Banana peels, small rocks, paper bags, French horns… that sort of thing. Don’t limit yourself. Why not draw and read and … something. Eel fighting, wolverine manicurist, floral dentistry… or, y’know, whatevs. Maybe just read a real boring book and then all that other stuff gonna seem exciting again.

Zombie not really have time to get bored. Besides, you would be surprised how many different ways people go “AAIIEEE!” when they see Zombie coming. It never get old.

yrs,
Zombie

P.S. They are both jerks.

____________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

I almost had my brains eaten, but I decided to show the zombie the closest people who had Undefended lawns, and they were happy. I decided to make peace with them by showing them other people’s brains. Anyway, you guys are mostly happy with me ever since I gave you brains and changed my cruel, plant friendly ways. I decided to eat plants for zombies so they didn’t have to eat them, and Those pea shooters can’t hurt me. Are my brains still at risk?

Hunter (of brains)

Dear Hunter,

Are your brains still at risk? In a word: totally. Nobody likes a suck-up.

yrs,
Zombie

____________________________________________________________

Hey! Speaking of suck-ups!

Dyr Zombie,

Zombi myght cal Vampire stupid, but do difrent brans typs tast beter than othyrs? Sometims king blood tastes beter than dyrty pesent blood. Dysgustyng!

Yrs,
Vampire

Dear Vampire,

How many times Zombie has to tell you? Do not bother Zombie at work! But since you and Zombie am here, Zombie have a question for you? Why Vampire such a snob? This is you, “Ooh, I am all fancy and not want to drink yucky poor peepul blood. What will the Dowager Countess say? Oh heavens, I seem to have come all over with the vapors! (faints)” You only eat one thing, dude. You cannot afford to get all choosy.

Now get back up your tree.

yrs,
Zombie

____________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,
Hello, my name is Lynn and I am quite impressed that you know how to use the computer! Tell me, how did you learn to use the computer? Was it easy or hard with your brainless head? I’m not being rude or anything, but I’m curious and one more thing, I think you should eat meat. :p
Yours sincerely,
Lynn

Dear Lynn,

Zombie will decide who is being rude and who isn’t. Anyway, Zombie just take “How to Internet” course from Video Professor and rest is easy! HAHAHAHAH! Just kiddings. Zombie not fall for that. Anyway, Zombie got one of them Gateway jobbies. The box looks like a cow! It have everything a zombie need.

In spare time Zombie trying to build old-timey Difference Engine but all them Steampunk kids keep buying gears and junk to glue to their outfits.

Zombie should eat meat? What you thingk brains is?

yrs,
Zombie

____________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

Hungry, too, I reckon

Sloee1

Dear Somebody Who Is Clearly Trying to Avoid a Reading Assignment,

Zombie rest a while and go on. Zombie ain’t afeared of the dark.

Now get back to work. Huckleberry not going to read himself.

yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________

Hey there, Zombie guy,
Swinging down the street so fancy free.
Nobody you meet could ever see
The loneliness there inside you.

Help Zombie help you.
Send your question to ZombieAdvice (at) PopCap.com

Do you have a Zombie family? Is it the same family you had before you became a Zombie or did you create a brand new family once you became a Zombie.

Thank you for your time.

Lauren

Dear Lalahalahalal,

Zombie just is. There was no “before” Zombie. This am who Zombie am, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Ramen. Sorry, Zombie forgot what Zombie was saying. Anywayz, Zombie part of what some might call “non-trad family.” Which is to say it just a bunch of zombies who kinda hang out sometimes but otherwise stay out of each other’s bizniss. So it superior to more regalur type family in many ways. Best part is Zombie not has to share a bathroom with other zombies so there are never any grody toothpaste blobs left in the sink.

yrs,
Zombie

____________________________________________________________

Hey, Zombie!

Do you watch the Annoying Orange?

Signed, Josh

Dear Josh,

Which one? Hahahahahah! Zombie make a funny. All oranges are annoying. For that matter all fruits are annoying. Ditto vegetables. Zombie think Josh know where Zombie going with this. Why would Zombie watch piece of fruit that go out of its way to be extra obnoxious? Regalur fruits doing it fine without him.

yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________

dear zombie my friend says that u r stupid I dissagree can u halp me tell her that what do I say.

Lexi

Dear Lexi,

You can’t fight Philistines. Unless you are King David. Or the Assyrians. Or possibly Sargon the Great. If you are any of them guys you can probly lick Philistines pretty good. Otherwise you just gots to walk away. Or, better yet, stick your fingers in your ears and run away while shouting “NANANA I’M NOT LISTENING I’M NOT LISTENING NANANANANA!”

yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

I’ve noticed Dr. Zomboss likes to write in cursive. Do you and the Dr. agree it is redicilous teachers are no longer even trying to teach kids cursive?

Sincerely,

Bejeweler

Dear Bejewjeler,

It almost as bad as not teaching kids proper spelling. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Zombie make another funny. See, because you spell ridicleous wrong. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Dang. Zombie forgot what Zombie was talking about again. It spring time and Zombie fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. Tra-la-la.

yrs,
Zombie

____________________________________________________________

Hi Zombie,

Did you have a good vacation? Where did you go? I didn’t get a postcard.

With love and respect,

Christine

Dear Christine,

Zombie went to that place that has that thing. You know the one? They do that thing there with the thing? Anyway, errybody really seem to like it. It was pretty good. Zombie had nice postcard for you but ate the stamp. Didn’t mean to but now stamps already have sticky junk on them and Zombie not know that so Zombie go to lick it and it stuck to tongue. It did not taste so bad. Anyway, Zombie still have postcard and will bring it when I come to your place on (checks datebook) July 12.

yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________

And all Zombie wanted to say
And all Zombie gotta do
Who’d Zombie do this for
Hey, Zombie or you?

So send your questions already: ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com

Why do you eat the plants? They are cute.

Jamie

Dear Jamie,

Zombie eat plants because plants insist on getting in the way. Zombie not want to eat plants but Zombie is faced with a choice and has to make choice that is good for Zombie. So now Zombie have question for you. Why you eat cute things? Zombie assume you eat plants. Do you only eat ugly plants? Who is to say which plant is ugly? Somebody must think Brussels sprouts are adorbs. Is Jamie arbiter of plant comeliness? Does Jamie only eat meat? Is not meat cute before it is meat? Does Jamie know what Jamie is doing to insides by only eating meat? You has a lot to answer for Jamie. Don’t come at Zombie all demanding answers. Zombie not on trial here.

yrs,
Zombie

____________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

I’m looking to change jobs soon, and I was wondering: would zombie be a good career choice? What is your average work week? How good are your benefits? Is part-time work available?

Many thanks.
-Kendrick

Dear -Kendrick,

If -Kendrick not mind being on the move a lot, zombie is pretty good gig. Zombie is Zombie own boss. Zombie work when Zombie wanna work. Zombie get to wear this smart tie alla time. Not have time for a lotta relashunships but Zombie got used to that since errybody mostly just run and scream when Zombie come up driveway. Pay is mostly just whatever deelishuz brains you can find, but Zombie not got a lotta needs so it works out pretty good. Zombie gonna come over and sign you up eventually anyway so why waste any more time? How is next Friday for you?

yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

I’ve got to write a 3000 word essay about Zombies in pop culture for University. Have you got any ideas for points I could make or any advice for me?

Sincerely,
Quinn (20½ years old)

Dear Quinn,

Zombie love eggheads! So yummy… Anyway, Zombie recommend starting with strong opening paragraph about influence of zombies across multiple genres. Include snooty references to comic books but call them ‘graphic fiction’, promise to compare the combined influences of George and Cesar Romero, and make sure to use a lotta words like “dichotomy” and “paradigm”. Then rewrite opening paragraph and use it to explain all the great stuff you just did in the essay. Stick that on the last page. Then, and this is the important part, go photocopy a bunch of pages out of some book at the liberry and shove them all in between the two paragraphs. Dirty secret of college – oh, excuse me “University” – is that you do all that work and nobody pay attention. Adjunk professor too busy to read 3,000 words and tenured professor is having drinks with the department chair and is just going to make TA grade your paper. Buy TA dinner and tell him your essay is subversive act designed to point out inequalities in University system. Instant A.

yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

if a zombie bites a human he becomes a zombie but what if a vampire bites a zombie and then the zombie bites human? does he become a zombie or a vampire….. or a zom-pire?

Sincerely,

Cameron

Dear Cameron,

If a vampire bites a zombie the vampire gets a rap in the snotlocker. Then the zombie bites the human and all is right in the world. Vampires know better by now.

yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Confidential to “Madison”

Chaucer! Rabelais! Balzac!

yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________

Zombie is on vacation. But he’ll be back before you know it and he’ll want more questions to answer. If he doesn’t have more questions to answer he’s going to pout for days. Please don’t make us have to deal with a sad Zombie. Nothing is sadder than a sad Zombie.
Write to: ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.

I want to know how are you alive because you are dead and you live off of brains? I am sorry to tell you but you are jacked up and do not write a “smart” response cause you are supposed to have a brain to make SMART comment right?

from
???? (you will never find out who i am cause u stupid)ha ha

Dear Zoe,

You know how when you make a email address and you has to put your name in there? Yeah, Zombie can totally see that. Do you own that glass house or just rent?

yrs,
Zombie

____________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

Do you have meeting before you attack house, or do you barge right in?

From,
John

Dear John,

Zombie not have time for Robert’s Rules of Order, if that what you mean. Zombie not trying to be rude but when there is job to be done, Zombie not have time to get all hung up on yur bourgeois notions of politeness. Zombies understand the mission: get in, get brains, get out. Somebody try to get you to jump through a lotta hoops just some guy trying to hide the fact that he not have enough to do at work. Don’t waste a lotta time on that guy.

yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

I have got 8 questions to you at once.

The first is: Why are you communicating with us using notes? Can’t send some kind of a diplomatic Zombie?
The second is: What’s all the grammatical mistakes for?
The third is: There are so many kinds of Zombies. For what?
The fourth is: How do you get all those Yeti Zombies?
The 5th is: How did it happened that firstly you try to eat our brains, and then you say that the only thing you need is to make a music video, and then this pattern loops?
The 6th is: As I understand, you eat our brains. We then become Zombies. We eat other brains. AND, what happens when all of us are Zombies, and there are no brains left?
The 7th is: How to protect my brains from you?
And the final question is: I assume you have a little amount of brains left. DID IT EXPLODED AFTER READING AND ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS?

Sincerely yours,
Danya

Dear Danya,

Pardon if Zombie answer thems one at a time.

1. Zombie not have time for diplomacy. Especially since in Zombie experience, peepul “diplomacy” usually take form of running and screaming and trying to hit Zombie with a brick.
2. Tee hee. Zombie see what you did there.
3. Zombie also not have time for your philomosophical conundra. Every snowflake is unique and precious, etc.
4. They just showed up one day so we figured, why not let ‘em stay? Besides, nobody brave enuf to aks them to leave.
5. From the day we arrive on the planet and, blinking, step into the sun, there’s more to see than can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done. There’s far too much to take in here. More to find than can ever be found. But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky keeps great and small on the endless round. It’s the circle of life and it moves us all through despair and hope, through faith and love ’til we find our place on the path unwinding in the circle… the circle of life.
6. That will never happen so Zombie not going to worry about it. Also, global warming is a myth and the moon landing was faked.
7. This one is conflict of Zombie interest. So Zombie just going to say “you cannot.” See you soon.
8. Hang on, Zombie will check (hmm hmm hmm doody doody doo…). Nope. Zombie all good.

yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________

Hey Zombie,

My cubicle neighbor reads your Blog daily. He loves it. Here’s the thing; he has bad gas and those of us who sit around him are his daily victims. I know he will read this so please help with any advice for his bad flatulence.

Thanks in advance,
Big fan of Plants vs. Zombies

Dear Biggie,

You gonna be a big baby? Why you gotta rain on this cat’s parade? Maybe problem is your attitude. Why not find out what he eats for lunch and join the party ‘stead of being all judgy? Why he gotta bend to your will? Zombie say load up on whatever neighbor guy is putting in his body and go to town! Sure Zombie not have a lotta olfactory receptors left so Zombie not share your problem exackly but, jeezy creezy, live a little.

yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________

Dear Zombies,

We at Zombie Airplane Insurance give you guys one last offer. If you consider insuring yourselves, then we will give you 13 brains a day for free!!!

Please kindly oblige.

Faithfully,

The ZAI Guys

PS. contact us at zombieairplaneinsurance@spammer’sparadise.com. We won’t spam you.

Dear Lying Liars,

Zombie not really have anything to say except that it nice to know somebody reading Zombie column all the way to the end.

yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________

Questions? Problems? Not sure what to have for lunch?
Zombie answers all questions. Okay, maybe most questions.
Seriously, if you can’t figure out your own lunch maybe your problems start deeper than we first thought.
Anyway, take a chance. Zombie just wants to help.

Do you eat all kinds of brains? I can make you a brain out of broccoli. Will you eat it? Or do you only like human brains?

Love,
Konrad (7 years old)

Hey Konrad,

Do you like ice cream? Zombie make you some ice cream out of broccoli. You wants to eat it? Do you like skateboards? Zombie can make a skateboard out of broccoli. Will you ride it? Do you like video games? Zombie make you one out of broccoli. Want you to play it? Do you like fun things? Zombie just give you a bunch of broccoli and say “Look Konrad! Broccoli is a fun thing now!” Will you believe Zombie? No. Zombie not think you would. Why would you give Zombie broccoli? Sheesh, Konrad. It like you not even know Zombie any more.

yrs,
Zombie

____________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

Do you have a cool catchphrase like “I pity the fool” or “Whatchu talkin’ ’bout Willis?” Can you tell I grew up in the ’80s?

I’ll be back. (See what I did there?)
Ray

Hey Hey Hey,

Nope. Zombie not see what you did there. Anyway, Zombie tried a few kac cats slogans over the years but then somebody always say it taken. “Kiss Zombie Grits” was in play for a while until TV waitress started calling. Zombie learned hard way that “Sit on it!” was taken (also super not comfortable). Same for “Up your nose with a rubber hose.” For a while, Zombie tried “We were on a break!” but Zombie did not have a girlfriend so that one did not make sense and it was also really annoying. Anybody still using “Nanu nanu”?

Zombie out.

yrs,
Zombie
______________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

What if we were all once zombies, but there was a human apocalypse?

:O

Dear Colon-o

What is all this talk of “apocalypse”? Zombies not trying to end world. Zombies just here to eat your brains. It is humans making a big deal out of it with all the fighting and running and building bunkers. Zombies not hate humans. Zombies love humans. Why that so hard to get through your surprisingly delicate skulls?

yrs,
Zombie
______________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

Why do you eat brains and I hate your guts.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Me (not Zombie, but you Me… this one getting confusing),

‘K, Zombie trying to find the question in there. Zombie eat brains because they are delishuz and you hate zombie guts because you got some sadness in your heart. Just tell yourself only way someone can break u is if u let them. U just gotta smile sometimes. TODAY is a GREAT DAY! i love my #beliebers – relax. i always got you. always gonna be there. much… Wait a second. Okay, sorry. Zombie was reading Justin Beeber twitter and getting confused. Nevermind. Zombie think you are a gut-hater ‘cuz Zombie is so handsum.

yrs,
Zombie
______________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

Why zombies are green? Why zombies aren’t Blue?

-Sayhan

Dear Sayhan,

Zombie used to be blue but then got some Zombie sertraline and things looking up. Thanks for checking in.

yrs,
Zombie
______________________________________________________________

Have a question for Zombie?
Better ask soon.
Send to ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com
Unless you are that place that keeps trying to sell Zombie airplane insurance.
If you are that place, knock it off.

Why do you keep coming onto my lawn and trying to eat my brains? Stay off my lawn! Not only this, you keep getting sploded by my taters. Why you no learn? You figure with all these brains you get you’d use new brain and replace old brain!

PS: I tried letting you in last time for a game of checkers but you only ate my brains again.

PPS: I don’t know how I get my brain back after you eat it or if it’s even mine anymore. Maybe I’m part Zombie.

Lightesword

Dear Larper,

Why do the sun shine? Why do that dog always chase the car? Why you put two PS in your letter? Why you put them before your name? Why you not study your Emily Post? Why you need a PS in an email anyway? Why you think Zombie collecting brains to use in Zombie head and not for to put in Zombie stomach? Why you think you can beat Zombie at checkers? Why you think you are Zombie? You think a Zombie not know how to write a proper letter? Are you trying to offend Zombie? Why are you not answering Zombie?

yrs,
Zombie

______________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

I have a zombie best friend that is like so slow and always left behind me in every way except during lunch time. We are in the same class and always together because we are best friends. What should I say to this zombie friend of mine so she can be faster and I won’t need to worry about her not getting the brains quickly like I do?

Thank you and I wish you a brainful day.

‘Urhhhhh’ from Switzerland,
The Fast Cute Zombie

OMZ!

Like, okay, like, okay, wait… Okay. Zombie is trying to remember that saying… “Early worm get eaten by bird” or something. On one hand it kind of nice that you thinking of friend like that but on different part of hand (sorry, Zombie can’t find other hand today) if your zombie friend not so quick maybe that is not a problem for you. Zombie not want to get all objectivist on you but you maybe not reps risp on the hook for friend’s happiness. Let friend get her own brains. Maybe if she too slow and not get to brainz then next time she will be faster.

Urhhhhh yourself.

yrs,
Zombie
______________________________________________________________

Hey Zombie,

I’m wondering what I can do to stop these constant headaches I’m having. Do you know how to stop it?

Signed,
Not signed

Dear Whoever,

Maybe your hat is too tight? Zombie not know. You are not giving Zombie a lot to go on here. Best remedy that Zombie know for headache is to take off your shoes and then kick the coffee table really hard by accident. Then headache probly not going to bug you so much anymore.

yrs,
Zombie

P.S. Zombie lawyer said Zombie cannot tell you to kick the coffee table. So do it or don’t, but just know that Zombie never said nothing.
______________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

I’m going to audition for a TV singing competition, and I can’t decide what to sing to try to make the judges turn their chairs around for me. Any suggestions? I was thinking Ordinary People by John Legend or Chasing Pavements by Adele, but I’m sure you could come up with something better.

Yours,
Billy

What up, Billy?

Zombie think you gots to go with something more upbeat. If’n you sing one of them two songs, judges going to fall asleep in chairs before they can decide to turn around or not. Maybe sing something more peppy, like “Yankee Doodle Dandy” or “Jive Talkin’.” Ooh! Ooh! Zombie got it now. Sing “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” by Iron Maiden. Because Zombie notice distinct lack of 13-minute metal versions of Samuel Taylor Coleridge poems on modern karaoke shows. Also, make sure you play lots of air guitar. And don’t stop even when they ask you to. You won’t be sorry.

yrs,
Zombie
______________________________________________________________

Hi Zombie,

Why you talk like this?

Yours,
ME

Dear ME (meaning “you”),

Why you gotta make fun of Zombie? Zombie has feelings, too. Now Zombie going to sit here and pout until you apologomize.

yrs,
Zombie
______________________________________________________________

Send your questions, concerns or complaints (no, forget that last one. Zombie doesn’t want to hear it)
to: ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com
Your questions will help keep Zombie off the streets.
Do it for Zombie.

Dear Zombie,

I was wondering, do Zombies attempt to find love the same way people do? If you wanted a girlfriend (or had one) would you buy her chocolate, send her flowers and take her out to dinner in a nice restaurant? Or would you find her some nice brains or something?

Sincerely,
Miss Zombie Love

Dear Missy,

Zombie sometimes use them things what you mention but not for “love” in the traditional, regulation human sort of way. Chocolate is pretty good for baiting traps, so sometimes zombie put that by door and when peepul come out to get it – MUNCH! As for sending flowers, anything what cause massive and pointless destruction of plants zombie is in full support of. Sometimes Zombie order a bunch of flowers and send them to fake address. Plants think they going someplace nice but it not true! HAHA! Too late for you, ugly plants. And the nice thing about nice restaurants is everybody all logy from food and junk and get all googly from feeling romantical and the lights are all dim so they not even see zombie coming.

So, yeah… Zombie not mind Valentime’s Day so much.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

About giving hearts for Valentine’s Day: must they be made of chocolate?

Yours,
I Have Two Refrigerators

Dear You,

Nope.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

I recently turned 29, and I’m still single. I’m not sure why—I’m attractive, intelligent, healthy, and a good person. My mother recently pointed out that there are like 25 men for every 1 woman in the state of Alaska, so maybe I should try living there for a while. What do you think?

I do look pretty in a parka, if that helps.

A Sadly Still-Single Lady

Dear SSSL,

Zombie not know a ton about Alaksaka but got some questions that maybe help you come to decision. How many of the 25 men is not already dating that 1 woman? Assuming you is at least a tiny bit diss disk picky, of those remaining how many is going to be within acceptable tolerances, age-wise? Of that number, how many is going to has seen a woman in the last 5 years and will know how to talk to you and not just point and grunt? Zombie think we prolly down to, like, 3 or 5 dudes now. And of them dudes how many is going to see you for the special flower that you are and not just somebody to darn their socks? Maybe 2? You can prolly find 2 guys where you already at. Also, it dark a lotta the time there so if you go in the winter mabey you not get a good look at anybody. And then come summer time it get light alla time and you not gonna be able to stop looking at them so…

Zombie say, stay put. Some lucky dude gonna figure you out. Then maybe you go to Alaksma together and you can be all “You had your chance, 25 dudes! You had your chance!”

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

What are your favorite romantic songs for Valentine’s Day? Like, top 5.

Love,
Casey

Dear Casey,

Zombie gots pretty ect ek varied taste in muziks so it hard to pick just 5. But Zombie sometimes like to do what Zombie told so here goes. Zombie Top 5 Romantical Type Songs in Backwards Order:

5. Party All the Time – Eddie Murphy
4. Let Her In – John Travolta
5. Don’t Give Up On Us, Baby – David Soul
6. Heartbeat – Don Johnson
2. Think it Over – Cheryl Ladd
1. Bridge Over Troubled Water – Jim Nabors

Is that 5? Zombie not good at counting.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie-

Are you in touch with Zombie Shakespeare? If so, could you ask him to write me a sonnet for Valentine’s Day? I really think “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? / Thou art more lovely and more temperate?” is a bit ooky, but I’m happy to give him another chance.

Thanks,
Needs Poetry in Life

Dear Needy,

Zombie Shakespeare wanted you to know that he not write sonnets on spec, but was feeling the spirit of the season so agreed to drop this’n on you. Be sure to write Zombie Shakes a nice thank you note.

What thinkest thou a zombie know of love,
When in that bosom’s heart no rhythm keep.
Endeavor now zombie unto you prove
With simple words from which the angels weep.
Your brain as pink as summer’s sweetest flow’r
Does give one cause to traverse many miles.
Tho’ never knowing precisely which the hour
‘Twill eat posthaste not throw upon the pile.
And when ’tis done and matter all consum’d
Yon shambling ghoul will take unto its rest.
And finding not a word to rhyme “consum’d”
Will cheat a bit. Mock not. For you it’s best.
Affairs of heart do cause not else but pains.
The zombie practiced, knows to stick to brains.

yrs,
Zombie (and Zombie Shakespeare)
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Have a question for Zombie?
Send it this way: ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com
Zombie is good at answering questions.

What is Zombies favorite sport? I see Zombies as baseball fans, because the players are slower, but maybe I’m wrong?

Sincerely,
Joltin’ Joe

Hey Joe,

It sort of true that Zombie like baseball. Mostly cuz baseball attract a lotta eggheads and that makes for some good eatings. Also, lot of guys sitting on bench for most of game and they is easier to catch. But Zombie on the move a lot and doesn’t get much chance to rest (that why Zombie not like the hoops or the soccer – way too much runnings) so for most oper upper chances to stand around a lot, Zombie gots to say football is where it is at. Most peepulz don’t notice cuz there is once in a while fits of action, but most of time guys just standing around adjusting their pants and waiting for somebody to do something. Also, way more guys hanging out on sidelines. It like a Zombie biff bufe smorgasbord.

Entres nous, Zombie love Superbowl time too because peepulz get together to watch on the tee-vee and eat themselves into stupor. Easy pickins for Zombie!

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie-

Do zombies actually listen to the great band, The Zombies?

Tell me yes!

-Rod

Dear Rod,

No. No. No. No no no no no. No. No. Man, talk about false advertising. There not even one zombie in that band. Zombie gonna get Zombie Lawyer in on this one. Zombie not want Zombie name besmirched by pasty guys with moppy hair-dos. If they had different name like “Chatterley” or “The Gamekeepers” then they not have a problem with Zombie. But they made their choice and now it is on. Oh yes, Zombie is surprisingly litigious.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

Who would win in an underwater knife fight, a grizzly bear or Batman?

Curiously,
Adam

Dear Adam,

Zombie not really have any money, but if Zombie had any money, Zombie money would be on the Batman. Batman is master strategist who engages in combat with surgical precision. Grizzly bear is a bear. Sure bear is bigger and have longer reach but while bear is splashing around wondering why it is underwater and wondering what the metally thing is what is in its paw, Batman going to use one of seven methods to defeat Mr. Bear. Three of them disarm with minimal contact. Three of them kill. The other hurts. And since the Batman morally opposed to killing (though he not always stop dudes from plummeting to their doom, just sayin’) Zombie think he going to deliver a mighty blow to Bear’s squishy parts and swim away while Bear howling in rage and swimming to surface.

Please note, if Batman v. Bear Underwater Knife Fight taking place in 1975, Batman would do whole thing with his shirt off.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

My co-workers are driving me to drink – what would you suggest I drink to forget about work?

Cheers!
Artie

Dear Artie Baby,

How about you drink a big cup of coffee at a new job? That going to work for you? Okay, so you is stuck.

Zombie heard about a drink called the Zombie that you could drink. It not made out of zombies but some peepul say it turn you into one. If so, you are in luck because drink will make you smrter and more handsomer than normal dudes. Have a coupla those.

yrs,
Zombie

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Does your brain hurt?
Dump all your brain problems on Zombie.
Write to ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com.
Zombie very good at what Zombie does.