Ask a Zombie: “Your Absence Ringing in My Ears” Edition


Dear Mr. Zombie,

Hello, I’ve found myself in a totally weird situation: I’ve fallen in love with a girl I’ve known for exactly a year, today’s our friend-iversary. I’ve asked her to a prom, and she said yes. There’s one problem; I’m homeschooled, as awkward as can be. I have no idea how to function socially, nor how to dance. Given your position in the undead, I figured you might have the wisdom I need. I’ve never loved anyone than myself before, so I’m as terrified as can be!

Thank you,
Tony

Dear Tony Toni Tone,

Let Zombie make some wild assumptions. If you home-schooled then prom is… what? A couple cans of Shasta, a bowl of goldfish crackers and the two of you taking turns picking out 45s to play? How you have a prom when entire student body of school is you? And if it literally YOUR prom why there gots to be dancing at all? Mabey you could be all, “Oh, at my school prom is four hours of playing Mario Kart.” You could make theme of prom “Trampolines” or “Squirt Gun Fight” or “Reading This Really Old Set of Encyclopedias.” Why all proms gotta be the same with girls wearing dresses they don’t know they will roll their eyes at 10 years from now and guys wearing suits what make them look like cater-waiters and then dropping a bunch of money on a thing at which 30% of all attendees will end up in tears (FACT!).

What Zombie is trying to say and failing at is that this girl like you so just relax and hang out. But don’t run off to the chapel just yet. Zombie know you not meet a lot of girls in home school but unless you going to also go to home college, you gots a whole lot of other girls to be awkward around in your future.

Oh, Zombie know, invite another girl to Home School Basement Prom and then spend the whole night running back and forth between the two of them while trying to keep them from figuring out you brought two dates. Hilarity will ensue. Guaranteed. Has television taught us nothing? Zombie not think so.

yrs,
Zombie

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MORE ZOMBIE KNOWLEDGE AFTER WE ALL ENJOY THIS AWESOME THING WHAT IS AWESOME AND ZOMBIE NEVER GET TIRED OF LOOKING AT.

OKAY, BACK TO IT.
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Dear Zombie,

A workmate recently told me to tuck my shirt in. I said “no way.” Does that make me a sloppy dresser? When is the best time to tuck your shirt in? Do you think he is uptight?

Sincerely,

Too Cool to Tuck

Dear TCTT,

Best time to tuck in shirt is when you wearing a shirt. Especially if you have awesome rodeo belt buckle. Why you want to hide that?

Why you not want to tuck in shirt? You hiding something in there? You think leaving it out will mask your lack of commitment to ab work? Is it really long and you cinching it with a belt and wearing it like a dress? Is it a Hawaiian shirt? (Entre nous, if you under 60 and not at a Jimmy Buffet concert, please do not wear a Hawaiian shirt.) Am you a five-year-old boy at your uncle’s wedding reception and you are one more Jordan almond away from total collapse? Are you not wearing pants? Then tuck in your dumb shirt.

Do it make you a sloppy dresser? Yep. Is workdude uptight? Yep. Sometimes things are both things.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie-

A friend and I are having an argument and know that as a historical figure you will have the definitive answer. In the 1800s, who was a better singer, Adelina Patti or Maria Malibran. I say the latter, thinking that she isn’t taken seriously enough due to her early demise. But what do you think?

Librettotically yours-

Opera Buff

Dear BuffO,

Zombie not want to start a whole thing about who “better” when everybody – EVERYBODY! – know that Malibran died before Patti was even born thus they was not contemporaries so it fruitless – FRUITLESS! – to compare them. Anyway, for Zombie money (eight bucks, American) best 19th century opera singer was Giuditta Pasta. Also her name is a food and Zombie kind of love that.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie

I’m all alone in the house just playing Plants vs. Zombies 2.

I have no friends. Please help me

Luka

Dear Luka,

Sit tight. Maybe eat a bunch of pizza rolls then take a nap. Leave door unlocked. Zombie be right over.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie

What is Zombie going to do when he retires?

I.M. Awesome

Dear Awesome,

Man, it going to be the best. Zombie been squirreling away brains for years (also squirrels) so not gots to spend rest of unnaturally long life looking for them. When shoes wear out, Zombie out. And that day cannot come soon enough. Zombie been hard at work perfecting one-man band set up. It basically just a vuvuzela with a wind chime hanging off it. Zombie going to tour Europe with it and make a few Drachmas. Do they still have those? Zombie not up on current events. Oh, mabey Zombie also catch up on current events. By which Zombie mean finally get around to watching all them seasons of the Bachelor while sitting on couch and eating spray cheese right out of the can. Mabey play some Chuzzle. Also, Zombie could use a pedicure. The world going to be the oyster belonging to Zombie. Zombie gonna eat the peach, or whatevs. Is it a oyster or a peach? Do it matter? Stop trying to confuse Zombie.

yrs,
Zombie


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