Ask a Zombie: “Don’t Want To Be Just Anybody” Edition


Life is too short to be confused. Let Zombie unconfuse you so you can go on living. Tell your problems to: ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com

Dear Zombie,

I find cowboy zombies dance according to piano. Does this mean that you zombies have the passion for life inside?

And why don’t you come when there is few plants on the garden? Like at the beginning, when only a potato and several sunflowers are planted? Why don’t “a huge wave of zombie is approaching” then?

Sincerely,
H. Huang

Dear Double H,

If by “the passion for life inside” you mean “the passion for the life inside yer skull” then then answer is ephm epmh totally yes.

And why you suggest that Zombie am somehow going about Zombie job in the wrong way? How many brains you eat in you life? Zombie choking on own rage here. Give Zombie a sec.

50… 49… 48…

Okay, Zombie cool. Look, ebrybody think they know the best way to raise a bratty kid until they have a bratty kid and then they tumble to fact that they don’t know nothing and bratty kid going to do what bratty kid wants and there zip parent can do about it. Same thing with Zombie… sort of. Ebrybody think they know for how to Zombie should be and then they become a zombie (which you will, so don’t worry yer purty little head about that) and they realize it harder than it looks. So when Zombie see you on Zombie side of the garden you just tell me how smart you are then, smarty.

yrs,
Zombie

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Mr. Zombie-

If you had a zombie dog, and had to name it with a name starting with L, would you name it Lockjaw or Lassie?

Ruff-
Caninius

Dear Caninininisusunius,

Am them the only two dog names what start with L? Lockjaw pretty good but unless it giant space bulldog with tuning fork in head, it going to seem like posing. Lassie all right too if you want a dog what never going to shut up about there being trouble down at the mill. What about Lafayette like that dog in The Aristocats? Or Lakshmi? Lyla? Layla? La Cienega? Lalaine? Lenny? Langdon? Lennox? Lex? Laszlo? Lars? Laertes? Lancelot? Lando? Langston? Larry? Lachlan? Lacy? Lucy? Lucifer? Ladislaus? Laine? Laird? Lambert? Louise? Luis? Latifah? Lorie? Lavinia? Levi? Leroy? Leon?

Hmm… Zombie going to go with Lando.

yrs,
Zombie

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Greetings.

I am unicorn currently stuck as a ghost (don’t ask, that’s a long story.)  My question was whether your network of underground contacts knows any eligible female unicorn ghosts, or perhaps where to look for some.

Much appreciated,
Moonbeam SkyStar

Dear Moonbeam,

Zombie think mabey your question maybe got lost on the way to “Aks Ask a Crazy Person” but since you and Zombie am here, Zombie give it a whirl.

Zombie actually do know one female unicorn ghost (that on the DL so keep your face shut) but she currently in committed relatiamaship with a Pixie Cyclops and Zombie not have no desire to wreck a relationship as beautiful and fragile as that. You might be on your own here Moonie, until you can return to your corporeal form, anyhoo.

Yrs,
Zombie

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I am the Chairman of the Audit Committee of UOB, Singapore. I know about a secret account worth millions. If we work together, we can lay claims to it without hitches.

Cham Tao Soon

Dear Guy Who is Somehow Not in Jail Yet,

Zombie always up for a good caper. But we gots to get our roles defined if we going to do this without hitches (Zombie also vote it go down without britches, too, but that negotiable). Is Zombie going to be the muscle? Zombie always the muscle in these deals. Frankly starting to feel a little stifled by the role but if you kick in a extra 2% for hazard pay, Zombie is in. Are you coming on this heist or are you directing from an undisclosed location? If Zombie going to be taking the heat, Zombie going to need more than a extra 2%. Who else is in on this? Do we have a wise-cracking demolitions guy what hides his death-wish behind a façade of off-color jokes and who will endanger us all but we won’t realize it until it’s too late? Do we get a past-his-prime trigger man who is in for one last job and plans to retire and marry the waffle waitress he has a thing for so he tells her the story and she acts like she is supportive but she just going to steal his money and ditch him. Do we gets a new kid what is trying to make his bones as a safe-cracker who going to freak out when the heat is on and get us all in trouble with the cops? How many ethnic stereotypes we got on this team?

You know what? This already getting too complicated. Just send Zombie a c-note or I call your boss and tell him what you’re up to. Ha! See how Zombie flipped the script? You could learn a thing or two from Zombie.

Yrs,
Zombie

Seriously, cash or I blow the whistle.

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Dear Zombie,

How is one supposed to eat snack mix (e.g. Chex Mix)? Should one grab a handful and shove it in their face, or is it appropriate to pick up one piece at a time, carefully avoiding the pretzels nobody seems to want? I understand that you would normally eat brains, but I hope you can help!

Best regards,
Hungry but Confused

Dear HBC,

Dude, “hungry but confused” am Zombie battle cry. Only rule for snack mix is to eat as much as you can as quick as you can and to not share. This expecially true of them little goldfish.  If you going to eat one piece at a time, make sure you do it hunched over the bowl with yer other arm around it and smack anybody what tries to get too close. If you going to shove handful after handful into yer face make sure you also do that leaning over the bowl so the bowl catch all the bits that fall out of yer mouth and you can try to eat them on the next pass. Make a bunch of noise while you doing it just cuz making Godzilla noises while shoving food in your face is never not funny. If you really advanced snack eater, you could just stick your whole face in the bowl like a piggy at a trough and not come up until bowl is empty. Only downside is sometimes snacks get up your nose. Maybe that the upside. Zombie not remember.

Good luck.

yrs,
Zombie

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Zombie now resorting to answering junk mail. Help a Zombie out, yo.
ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com


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