Ask a Zombie: “Bury Your Treasure Where It Can’t Be Found” Edition


Zombie makes everything better. Write to ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com and let Zombie make everything better for you.

Dear Zombie,

Valentine’s Day is always so much pressure. I try to make my man feel special and appreciated every day, so holidays are just kind of annoying—like, now I have to come up with something better than what I already do, just because it’s some arbitrary holiday? What sort of thing would make you happy on Valentine’s Day?

No Fan of Cupid

Dear No Fan,

How you not be a fan of Cupid? What you got against a little nekkid guy running around shooting arrows at peepul? Hmm… now that Zombie write it down, it do seem like the kinda thing you might want to call the cops about. But Zombie heard Cupid sometimes ride a dolphin, so maybe wait around to see that before you get on the horn to the man to break things up.

Anyhoo, you not gots to celebrate Valentine’s Day. You could celebrate the Roman feast of the Luprecal. Might be tricky if you not into sacrificing animals. So scratch that one. You could celebrate the Norse holiday of Galatine’s Day, just to be… Norse? Or you could go around being all French about it and saying, “Mais non, it eez Galantine’s Day!” but then you might not have boyfriend when this dumb thing roll around next year so tread carefully. Also you sound like Pepe Le Pew.

Oh, Zombie know! St. Valentine is also patron saint of bee keepers, so fill your house with bees as a surprise for your man! Zombie bet he not see that one coming. Or, if you just over the whole thing, Zombie think you could celebrate, “Aw Crud! Taxes Due in Two Months Day!” That should take the starch out of romance right quick

yrs,
Zombie


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Dear Zombie,

Say you were on an English vacation with 10 other zombies, and one of the zombies was murdered (or, remurdered) and no one knew who did it, and you didn’t do it but maybe it might seem as if you did, and every other zombie had a good alibi and no reason for the crime. Who would you want to solve the mystery: Detective Chimp, Miss Marple, or Sam Spade?

Mysteriously-

Jules Maigret

Dear Big Jule,

Sam Spade is out right off the top. Zombie got a thing about shovels. That thing not a good thing. Moving on.

Miss Marple? Is she the lady what make the syrup? Zombie not know what she know about solving crimes. And if Zombie (second) life on the line, Zombie want somebody who knows about more than delicious waffle toppings.

So that leave us with Detective Chimp. Well, “leave” maybe not accurate because Zombie totes going to pick Mr. Bobo T. Chimpanzee (not his real name) at the start! He a detective. What is also a chimp! And he wear one of them Sherlock Holmes hats and if anything say “I are serious about solving some crimes” it is one of them Sherlock Holmes hats. You listening, Bumbershoot Scratchypants? Man, if that show had a chimp instead of exotic and handsome leading actor (plus Martin Freeman), Zombie would never miss an episode. Why not Zombie work for BBC? They are just leaving money on the table. Zombie gots ideas!

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Sincerely,
The Real Questions

Dear TRQ,

Funny, Zombie was just hanging out with land-beaver pal last week (you not judge Zombie choice of friends, mkay?). This very question came up and he say, “Oh, I could chuck lotta wood if I wanted to but choose not to because universe gots to have some mystery, eh what?” Actually it sounded more like “squeaky squeaky doodly doo!” but Zombie speak whistle pig so you gots to trust Zombie tramslation. Zombie curious so aksed woodchuck to give a number and he say “Oh, about 8.” That did not make no sense to Zombie so Zombie changed the subject and went back to talking about the Ostrogoths. (A favorite subject of woodchucks.)

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie-

Who is your favorite Danish King? I lean towards Harthacnut, but thought you’d have an opinion.

Tak!

Dear Takamatsu Airport,

How am Zombie supposed to pick just one? Harthacnut is a pretty good choice, Zombie suppose, if you likes ‘em ruthless and feared. Zombie partial to Sweyn Forkbeard beacuase his last name was “Forkbeard” and that just straight up awesome. And anybody from the House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg ranks up there, too. What can Zombie say? Zombie love a man in uniform. But the prize gots to go to Gorm the Old since he died, was buried, then dug up and buried again later. That a pretty Zombie move.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie-

I just recently bought a new blender. It has 10 different speed buttons, 1 through 9, and then one that’s called “high.” But I can’t sense any difference between 9 and high. Can you tell me if there’s any difference between 9 and high?

Spinningly,
Fred Waring

Dear Freddy Baby,

Best way to “sense” the difference if you need to be all feely about it is to put a bunch of junk in the blender, leave the lid off, then start mashing buttons and see how high all the junk go. You will need a pencil and a tape measure. And some wet paper towels. And a dog (for to lick up spillage). And two hats. Plus, roller skates, an ill-fitting Halloween mask, three gloves, half a roll of gray gaffer’s tape, an unopened can of Big Red, a pair of novelty glasses, a stapler (optional), 1/2 cup walnuts, and two fairies from the head of a pin.

Also, by reading this you acknowledge that if you cram a bunch of junk into your blender and turn it on without the lid, Zombie not responsible for anything what happen to you ever. Zombie am like the Monsanto of advice. You cannot touch Zombie! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

yrs,
Zombie

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