It’s time for the fantastic seventh edition of Rejected Game Ideas! If you’ve missed the other six, then friend, I pity you. But not too much, cause you can go back and read them all and have your life change from the sad thing it is today into a life of happiness, laughter, amazement and – did I say laughter? Well, that’s what it’ll be after you read about the most awesome games that never were, and maybe never even considered as real games (though between you and me, they should be; maybe; maybe not). But remember: these are solely for fun purposes, and fun porpoises, only. And also remember, as Fleet Captain Curtis once said, “Please don’t steal. Or, if you do, steal well.” With that, here are the finest rejected game ideas ever thought of by man, woman or beast.
Table Full of Eggs
Eggs. Eggs. EGGS! And one table.
Mustache Comb Carnival
It’s a saga of hirsute hilarity as you progress along a map of classic rides – with hairy twists. From the Handlebar Hurricane to Muttonchop Matterhorn, can you make it through with combs intact?
The Devious Designs of Dr. Tangler
A dance/adventure game mingling modern torture horror movies with buck-and-wing moves, you’ll have to kick up those heels or have them sliced right off by the world’s cruelest choreographer.
Don’t Be Crewel
The world’s top educational game designed to help kids learn embroidery, fencing and Latin, all at once (also contains a strong anti-bullying undertone).
Ducks With Four Wings
A gang of dangerous drakes threatens to pull the pond into ruin. Only you and your band of ruffled vigilantes have a chance of cleaning up in this hack-and-feather hit.
It’s titanic triumphing at 35 tons in this first person shooter pitting you against a troop of tricky carnivorous dinos. Luckily, you’re armed with a crossbow and a bazooka! But don’t step on the cavemen – that’ll dock your score!
Dickensian match-3 marvelousness based in the world of Oliver Twist – line up bowls of gruel, Mr. Bumble-heads and ratty hats to make it to the Artful bonus level where your pickpocket skills will be put to the ultimate test, Fagin himself.
By and Large Empires
Embrace the empire-building ennui! There’s no combat, but lots of paper chasing, in this game where the winner is the one who never forgets that Rome wasn’t built in a day.
A party game where every perceived fault is out on the table as you move through a prison breakout of psychological proportions – or is it? Only available in multiplayer mode.
This Candidean world builder puts the duh in duhmination, as only those making really bad choices have a chance to win. Warning: may resemble any corporate job you’ve ever had.
The workout game where you’re a mortician on a muscular mission to get those abs in six-pack shape via the corpse carry, the gravestone grab, and the race to add perfect makeup before the funeral starts.
Twenty-Gallon Hat On A Ten-Gallon Head!
It’s an Old West ring toss affair where the aim is to wrangle as many hats as you can on to an endless parade of moving heads. Endorsed by the National Auctioneers Association and Kevin Costner.
A kid’s games for all ages: post ridiculous updates, keep up with other player’s attempts to be funny, and then go on a revenge-fueled rampage. It’s all ancient Greek to me!
Wok the Plank
High seas hijinks greets international haute cuisine in this game of pirates and pistou sauce. You have a chance to make it to captain, but only if you can whip up Wen Tian-xiang Chicken while wielding a cutlass.
That’s A Lot of Hair!
Pick your persona from a list including Empress Elisabeth of Austria, Lady Godiva, Crystal Gayle, Edgar Winter and more, and then grow that hair. Grow that hair!
Scurvy Dog Park
Argggh, bark. Arrgggh, bark. It’s pups vs. pirates in an all-out attempt to collect the most oranges!
Manatees on Lawnmowers
The racing simulator that made Cape Cod famous! Featuring low-speed, high stakes tension that’ll curl your prehensile upper lip. Soon to hit the big screen in a movie starring Matt L. Jones.
I Sphinx, Therefore I Ham
A puzzle game of porcinian philosophy where good players must keep up with the sphinx’s barrage of dialectical diabolities or be wheeled off-screen in de cart.
Game of Groans
Pick a card. On each card is a word or subject. You have 30 seconds to spin a tale which must climax with a pun. Each opponent has 10 seconds from the moment of your story’s conclusion to rebut. The biggest groans determine the winner of each round!
Time flies like an arrow and fruit flies like a banana in this game of city-building at its punniest. But if your puns only make you laugh, you’ll end up a grave man (or woman!) instead of the Mayor of Puns. Now available in a PunPack with Game of Groans at select Woolworth’s.
Laundry Deus ex Machina
Oh, the stains. The stains. The STAINS! And one table.
How many royalists can you toss out of the windows and turrets as you make your way to the throne room is the question in this follow up to the #1 best-selling toss ‘em game: Pazzi Conspiracy!
Bolo Tie Tragedy
It’ll take flexible fingers to unravel this knotty mystery game, where the secret is the tie is the tragedy. But how will that help when the scorpions attack?