Ask a Zombie: “If the Camels Don’t Get You the Fatimas Will” Edition


Zombie is back again to cure what ails you. Are you ailing? Write to ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com and ail no more.

 

Dear Zombie

Who would win in a fight between Robert Plant and Rob Zombie?

Sincerely,
Harmie

Hey Harmie,

Wow. Just… wow.

On principle, Zombie going to have to go with guy named Zombie. Also, Zombie guy weird and scary and Plant guy all “look at me, I’m pretty.” Totes typical of plant. But on other hand Plant guy is some kind of rock god so somebody going to expect Zombie to have begrudging respect or whatever but Zombie (this Zombie) not about to start having respect for anything with “plant” in the name. If dude were actual god made out of rock, that would be crazy awesome and Zombie would overlook unfortunate name and follow that magnificent so-and-so into the heart of hell!

Oh… sorry. Zombie Editor just tell Zombie that Zombie can’t say “aitch ee double toothpicks” so Zombie pick other hot, miserable place to follow rock god to, like surface of sun or Arizona.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

As part of my New Year’s Resolution to lose that 5 lbs from Thanksgiving, I need your expert knowledge of the caloric content of various body parts. Are brains as high in saturated fat as the FDA claims? If I bake a foot instead of frying it, will it cut the fat in half? Does a pinky finger contain the same amount of protein as a ring finger? Unfortunately, my Calorie Counter App has none of the info that I need. Please help me Zombie, I need to know how you keep that stylish, waifish, ribcage-showing, bony figure that both Redbook and Cosmo are calling decomp décolletage!

Sincerely,
Ineedta Eat

Dear IE,

Zombie see untapped app market for you. Why you aksing Zombie all this junk and not out there doing yer research and writing your codes and offereing your friends small cash payouts to write positive reviews of yer sweet new fitness app? It not even have to be good and nobody even have to keep it for very long. You juest gots to get a couple million suckers to drop a buck on it and then you sell company to larger company for big money and talk about how you just want to continue being a big shot etrepen entrapin idea guy and maybe start a charitable foundation and improve the lives of the less fortunate when we all know what you really going to do is sit on couch all day reading trashy magazines and eating Bugles.

yrs,
Zombie
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Hi if zombies had superpower what would you have huh zombies that and if you have no brain how do you type huh

Noodle Boy

Dear Noodle Boy,

Noodle Boy clearly demonstrate that one need not to have a brain in order to type, so Zombie just going to skip over that part of the question. Except to say that Zombie gots a brain and not sure why ebrybody think Zombie not got one. Zombie keep it in jacket pocket.

As for super power? Zombie would be own Wonder Twin. Just bash knuckles together and be able to turn into any animal but it would be made out of water. That way, not have to find bucket to carry self around in and don’t need some dumb space monkey to act as valet. Also would totally confuse enemies and give Zombie first shot every time. Dig it, “form of a ice dinosaur what also happens to be a zombie!” Tell Zombie, please, even one way how would that not be totally amazing.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

Are my best days behind me?

Sincerely,
Feeling Old

Dear F.O.,

Yes. Give up.

yrs,
Zombie

Okay, seriously, what am Zombie supposed to say? Some days pretty good, some days sorta ungood. It not Zombie fault if you decided to have all your good days at once and not save any for later. If you just want to sit around and be a mope because you turned 30 and nothing in your diary from middle school came true (not everybody marry somebody from “Saved By The Bell”) then, yes, best days are behind you. But you know how old Zombie is? 147 years old.* And you see Zombie hiding in bed and complaining nobody understand Zombie? No! Zombie out there doing stuff even if nobody aksed Zombie to or is even paying attention. The deal is this, it never too late to be the you that you could be if you wasn’t wasting all your time being the you you do not like what you are being right now. Cross-stitch that on a pillow.

*completely untrue
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Dear Zombie,

Would you ever marry someone you met online?

Signed,
Thinking About Doing That

Dear Thinking,

Yes. No. What?

Way too many variamables at play here to give straight up yes/no type answer. So let us lay out a few hippo hapa pretend situations, shall we? Am you a feller? Let us say you are and that your name is… Tom. Hi Tom. What you know about this lady? Has you met? Do you talk on phone? Do you just send emails? Has you exchanged photographs? Do she really look like Anita Punt? Is she Anita Punt? Do you know who Anita Punt is? Because why would a striker from the New Zealand Women’s National Field Hockey Team (and fastest woman in world hockey!) be hanging out online trying to meet dudes? Go Black Sticks! It probably not Anita Punt.

Now, let us say that you is a lady. Zombie call you Bridgit. Hey, Bridgit. What you know about this dude? Has you met? Is he nice? Is he a cop? Do he look a little bit like Alexandre Lacazette? Because that going to forgive a multitude of sins, at least in the early going. Seriously, hubba hubba. Who is Alexandre Lacazette? Zombie looked him up. And you can, too. Swoon.

Look, you can marry whatever. Just don’t let wedding day be first time you meet. That super cute in lousy rom-com on cable TV but it bananas in real life.

yrs,
Zombie
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ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com
Seriously.


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