Ask a Zombie: “The Well is Full of Pennies” Edition


Zombie is here to make your life better. Won’t you let him make your life better? Write to ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com, like these people whose lives are now better did.

Dear Zombie,

How do I know whether or not I am in the right job? My current job is okay and the money isn’t bad, but I can’t help but think that there might be something else I should be doing.

Signed,
Employed But Restless

 

Dear EBR,

Can you stand the sight of your own reflection in the morning? Can you, like Zombie, see your own face and think, “Zombie could stare at hansum Zombie face all day!”? Can you do that? Can you? If you can do that, then you have the good fortune to be as hansum as Zombie and if you am that hansum who cares what your dumb job is? Or maybe you think, “I ain’t so bad looking. Time to go to work and let ebrybody gaze upon my not so bad looking face.” But if you see your face and shriek, “GAH! I am hideous!” then mabey you gots some problems.

It possible Zombie got distracted by hansum zombie face and not really answer the question. You really wanna try sumpfing else, go for it. But do not you quit the one job before you gots the next one. For real, that just crazy.

yrs,
Zombie

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Hello Zombie,

How do you solve a problem like Maria?

Sincerely,
Sister Berthe

 

Greetings Sister,

Zombie put in a call to Zombie Rodgers & Hammerstein Liberry (Zombie got some connections, yo) but could not get a straight answer. Either them dudes at Zombie R&H Liberry do not know or they are as fun-loving as their reputation suggests and were unwilling to help a Zombie brother out. So Zombie give the song a listen and figure you got a couple things to do first. Catch a moonbeam in your hand, keep a wave upon the sand and catch a cloud and pin it down. You do them things and then this whole Maria junk going to be a piece of delicious cake. And don’t forget, Julie Andrews > Carrie Underwood. Zombie not being catty. Just stating facts.

yrs,
Zombie

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Hey zombie,

I have a friend who I think likes me as more than a friend. He’s fun to hang out with but I am worried that he might be starting to get the wrong idea. What should I do?

Friend Zone

 

Dear FZ,

Stop hanging out with him? Set him up with a friend? Start acting all weird whenever he’s around and make everything super awkward and then just keep doing that and wait for the day when he finally gets the hint? And then wake up one day full of regret when you realize that he was best shot at happiness but he moved on after finally taking the hint. Then do embarrassing things to win him back until you are forced to accept the folly of your decision and then learn how to rely on yourself for happiness. Then he will finally come around and you two jerks can live happily ever after. This also might be a Katherine Heigl movie. Zombie needs to get one of them show-biz jobs.

yrs,
Zombie

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Hi Zombie,

My girlfriend hates that I bet on football games but I just won like 300 bucks and I want to buy her something or take her out. Should I be honest about where I got the money or should I just take her out and if she asks should I tell her that I’ve been saving up? I don’t want to make her mad but I don’t want to stop betting on games either.

Jimmy

 

Dear Jimmy,

Yes, by all means, keep lying to girlfriend. Secret to long and happy relationship is to do stuff you hope partner never finds out about and then spend half your time covering your tracks and the other half wondering if you covered up tracks good enough. Sounds like you got this thing all sewed up. What you need from Zombie?

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

I met a friend of a friend at a party and even though I introduced myself, he called me by the wrong name all night. I let it go because I didn’t think I’d ever see him again but it turns out he goes to the gym I just joined. I see him a couple times a week and he still calls me the same wrong name. I feel like too much time has passed to correct him now but at some point he’s probably going to figure out that he’s the only one who calls me that. It’s kind of embarrassing but I don’t know how to tell him he’s been calling me the wrong name all this time.

Yours,
Not Patrick

 

Dear Not,

Man, it surprise Zombie how many problems sound like Katherine Heigl movies. Anywhat, if you am not going to change your name or go to a different gym or start acting like you don’t know this guy, your only choice is to start calling him by a different name every time you see him until he finally go “Uh… my name is not Ruprecht (or Percival or Mulberry or Jaiden or whatever)” and you can be all “I know. And my name is not Patrick” and then you can laugh and high-five or do a bro-hug and go out for a night on the town and be best mans at each others weddings and junk. Okay, so maybe this not a Katherine Heigl movie, but if you flipped the genders then it totes could be. Give her a meddling mother and a wacky neighbor and you gots box office gold! You listening Hollywood? Zombie got the hookup for America’s Sweetheart.

yrs,
Zombie

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Hey Hollywood, you call Zombie.
Or email him. Or whatevs.
He can fix all of your problems. ALL of them.
ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com


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