As we turn the calendar over to a new year it is time to look ahead to all the wonderful ways in which we can improve ourselves. Write more letters? Stop eating corn chips for breakfast? Finally tell that hunky barista what’s on your mind? Go for it, friends. We believe in you. And we also believe in these guys (and girls… and minerals) who have decided to share what they have planned for 2014. Read on, won’t you?
Tall-nut, Plants vs. Zombies 2: 2014 is the year I perfect my 3-point shot. I know everybody has a role to play on the Plant hoops team (go Fightin’ Flora) and there is nothing I like more than posting up in the paint and drawing offensive fouls but it’s time I diversify my game. And I am not going to let a little thing like a total lack of functioning limbs stop me.
Berg, Peggle 2: Oh, goodness, all this fuss over me? I hadn’t given much thought to what I might like to accomplish this year. I mean, besides devoting myself to perfecting my skills as one of the newer Peggle Masters. But I suppose it can’t be all work all the time, can it? Perhaps 2014 is the year I adopt a kitty. Maybe two. And learn how to knit. Now and then I wonder what it is like to wear socks.
Razor, Bookworm Heroes: We disciples of Neo have several distinct advantages in life. Greater choice of letter tiles is the tip of the byteberg, my friend! I can access information others only dream of knowing, and I can exert my influence from behind the scenes (a power I would never use for evil, of course!). But one of my greatest gifts is the freedom to alter my own digital footprint. Most people don’t have this opportunity. Most people have to discover later on that everyone they ever meet can easily look up their bad haircuts, their hastily expressed opinions, their adolescent certainty that Spider-Man 3 was a really cool movie. This year, I’ve resolved to do the younger generation a solid.
You’ll start to see the effects of my latest creation in texts, tweets, and Facebook posts in the coming days. Where your friends might have written something cringe-worthy, it will now be run through my Shakespearean Slang Translator. (Yes, I was inspired by my good buddy Hamlet. A worthy sparring partner is the best kind of friend!)
“Totes” might appear now as “verily” or “forsooth.” (And don’t worry, my translator scans for context, so if you were actually referring to plural bags, your words will remain intact.)
“Cray-cray” may now read as “feverous” or “spleenful.”
“Adorbs” will be variously translated as “winsome,” “fair,” or “passing fair.”
All insults and trash talk will be transformed to, “I bite my thumb at you, sir.” Sure, it will make the comments section a little bit boring at first, but it will kill flame wars and frustrate trolls into submission.
And finally, all profanity will become “Zounds.” Not that I have a problem with profanity, but it’s like salt. A little flavors a dish, but too much makes it inedible. Once you see an entire typed sentence turn into the same word repeated six times, you will see that for yourself.
See, I can’t prevent anyone from saying or doing stupid stuff. But I can at least stop you from sounding stupid when you don’t have to. My Shakespearean Slang Translator will expire on each user’s 25th birthday. That means that anyone using words like “amazeballs” is old enough to know better.
Mr. Big Money, Big Money: I resolve to not focus so much on the Benjamins. Instead of solely judging people on the amount of coins they have, I plan on also thinking – at least a little – on other things. How well they can dance the Tarantella, for example. Or if they can make a proper Philly Cheesesteak sandwich. Or if they sometimes help older ladies across the road. Or if they’re wearing a brightly colored beanie. It won’t just be about money, money, money for me in 2014. But I will continue chewing this cigar. That I can promise you.
Blue Gem, Bejeweled: 2014 is going to be my year to really sparkle – I can feel it in every facet of my being! Also, more puns!