Ask a Zombie: “Victus Mortuus in Perpetuam” Edition


New Year, Same Zombie. Zombie is here to help you keep your resolutions or to break them quietly. Zombie is not here to judge you. Send your questions, concerns and secret confessions to ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com. Like these smart people did:

Dearest Zombie,

The devolution of the English language is occasionally punctuated by identifiable trends that seem to annoy pretty much everyone except the hapless perpetrators. For a while, “irregardless” was a particularly common groaner. Then, in the ’90s, the entire concept of irony became utterly meaningless and indefinable (thanks, Alanis). In recent years, the misuse of the word “literally” has resulted in the word’s being officially defined as both itself and its opposite (thanks, everyone who has ever been on a reality TV show). What other disturbing new trends have you picked up on?

Yours in pedantic ranting,
The Oxford Comma

Dear OxCom,

Zombie already think ebrybody talk funny so it sometime hard for Zombie to know what is “proper” and what am not. So Zombie calling it right now: in 2014 the hot new whatever is going to be talking like a 1920s hep-cat. Don’t be an oilcan. Of you want to be kippy, lace up your dog kennels and make with the feathers. You don’t want the flaps to think you’re an apple knocker, kid. So get your munitions and mug a little with your highjohn. Just be on the lookout for the cellar smellers and you’ll be the cat’s particulars in no time. 23 skidoo!

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie-

In 2014, do you think that we will be invaded by a race of giant intelligent crawfish? And, if so, do you think they’ll begin making us in gumbo?

Scared in Lafayette

What up, Acadian?

Unless invading giant intelligent crawfish have also developed wicked advanced sense of irony, you probably not going into the gumbo. Are these theomoretical giant intelligent crawfish from outer space? Because Zombie kind of want to see what giant crawfish spaceship going to look like. And maybe find out how they build advanced flying machine when they just have big dumb claws where hands should be. Not saying it not doable, Zombie just cursed with insatiable intellectual curiosity.

Or am these hypotheomoretical giant intelligent crawfish lying in wait at the bottom of the Vermilion River*, watching you scoop up their smaller, less intelligent crawfish brethren and keeping score on their giant, waterproof scoreboards? Why they waiting? Do they hate their smaller, less intelligent crawfish brethren? Why they not just pick you off when you stick your bucket in the water and scoop up the little guys?

Too many questions in your question. Zombie think 2014 not going to be the year of Crawfish Invasion. But Zombie would totes go see that movie.

yrs,
Zombie

*Zombie not actually know if that where crawfish live so howsabout you not get all provincial on Zombie for just trying to illustrate a point, okay Professor?

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Dear Zombie,

If you were going to pick your five top brainz from 2013, who would they be?

Lover of Lists

Dear LL,

You might think Zombie gonna name peepul like Francois Englert, Eugene Fama or Arieh Warshel. But you would be wrong. And that is why your name not on list of five top brainz of 2013. Anyway, Zombie top five brains of 2013, in reverse order:

5. Hattrup, J. Seattle, WA. Chewy without being tough. Just a little bit salty.
4. Kupsch, D. Pittsburgh, PA. Surprisingly complicated. Hints of pineapple.
3. Fuller, N. Hayes, KS. Bold. Nutty. A little sweet.
2. Sargent, M. Singapore. A unique mélange of international flavors.
1. Paulson, W. Norway. Tasted like Smalahove.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie-

Prediction time! Here are some possibilities in 2014. What are your predictions:

• Will either breeches or pantaloons make a comeback?
• Who will become more popular, Glen Campbell or Glenn Tipton?
• What fad will the kids embrace, pole-sitting or the peg-leg dance?
• Cats will take over the city of Poughkeepsie?

Do you have any other thoughts about the upcoming year?

Wanting to Know in Poughkeepsie

Dear Your Name is Too Long,

• No, but watch out for culottes.
• Zombie kind of hope Mssrs. Campbell and Tipton form a band. Imagine all that leather and rhinestones. Anyway, most popular Glenn for 2014 going to be winner of 1951 Nobel Prize for Chemistry, the late Glenn T. Seaborg. Glenn Close going to play him in the movie.
• Victorian Headless Portraits going to be all the rage. Goth kids the world over will be heard to say “Pfft. Whatever.”
• Yes. Unless they have already. Cats freak Zombie out so not going to Poughkeepsie to find out.

Other thoughts? Probly. But it 9:30 on Christmas Eve as Zombie am writing this and Zombie not done wrapping presents so you just have to stick around in 2014 to see what else Zombie think.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

In 2014 do you think that there could be a truce between plants and zombies? Maybe they have more in common than they thought and really just want the same things in life?

From,
T-Square

Dear T-Square,

Let Zombie see… HAHAHAHA HO HO HEEHEEHEEHEE SNORK SNORK HAHAHAHAHA…

Okay, sorry. Zombie going to… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA TEEHEEHEE HOOOOOOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (wheeze) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOHOHOHOHOHO HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE…

Okay, okay, okay. So you wanna know if… AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA AOOOGAH AOOOOGAH ACK ACK ACK ACKAWOOO ACK ACK ACK HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FNARR FNARR FNARR…

Zombie really am trying here… NYAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Aaaaah… oh, mercy.

No, Zombie not think so.

yrs,
Zombie

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That email address again: ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com
You want Zombie to keep his job, don’t you?
Of course you do.


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