Ask a Zombie: “The Dawn of Our Folly” Edition

Welcome to the last Ask a Zombie for 2013! Zombie will be back on January 1, 2014 with more advice you cannot live without. So keep those questions coming!

Hey Zombie,

I need some advice with my girlfriend and also my friend told me that she might be cheating on me so i need advice + answers.

Sad Keren

Dear Sad,

Okay, Zombie assume girlfriend is not “might be cheating” at Hi Ho Cherry-O or something (super easy to rig the spinner, entre nous). But am so-called “friend” worth listening to? People “might be” doing lots of stuff all the time. Friend “might be” working an angle. Girlfriend “might be” making fudge for you for yor birfday. Zombie might be standing on the roof using road cone like a megaphone and shouting “EVERYBODY HAVE SOME TOAST!” Zombie not want to get all Yoda on you in re: the possibility of cheating, but either girlfriend am or girlfriend am not. There not any “might be.” Mabey instead of believing “friend” who not got any answers and just starting rumors, mabey you say to girlfriend “Hey girlfriend. The story. What is it?” and then mabey you gets an answer and mabey you not get an answer which is a kind of answer in a way and you probly already know where relationship am headed so when you ready to just admit it you let Zombie know.

Or is you just looking for more general advice? Like, don’t put black polish on brown shoes. Because that is solid.



Dear poor corroding hunk of flesh,

Can zombies dance, even though their body is in poor condition? If you can dance, can you waltz? or rumba? or do the electric slide? or possibly lindy hop? I like to dance a lot, could you help me out with some new moves? Maybe you could even post a video.

-Someone Hopping In Time

Dear Clever Boy,

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. No.

Zombie can do a lot of things. Carioca, Quadrille, Boogaloo, Pogo, Shag, Chumak, Sirtaki, Rigadoon, Polka, Mazurka, Tango, Jarabe, Hornpipe, Cha Cha, Grizzly Bear, Frug, Lambada (The Forbidden Dance!) just to name a few. Zombie not so hot on Electric Slide. If Zombie want to do math, Zombie will just do math. You want to learn some of Zombie moves? Come over to where Zombie live. Alone. You want Zombie should post a video? Sorry, pal. Zombie got a mouth to feed. Cannot be just giving away the goods to every Tom, Jack and Harry what think everybody here just to please them.


Dear Zombie,

For years now, I have been a loyal customer of a particular comic book store. They’ve been very good to me, they set aside books I will like, they’re friendly and cool, and I do consider them friends. However, the store is in a neighborhood I lived in years ago, and I’ve had to bus out there to buy my books for the past few years, which is kind of inconvenient.

I’m now moving to a new neighborhood, and I’ve discovered there is a comic book store just down the street from my new place! That’s so convenient! I could pick up my books every Wednesday again, rather than once a month or so! But…I feel so guilty at the thought of breaking up with my longtime store. What do I do?

–Crisis on Two Comic Shops

Hey CoTCS,

If you really love old comic shop, then you has to do whatever you can to make it work. But if you just holding on for old time’s sake or guilt or lazy familiarity, maybe it time for to rex reex take a look at yer priorities. Think not of it as ending an old relationship, but starting a new one. “What is taken apart is not utterly demolished,” as that one specific poet say.

You has Zombie permission to go to new shop and read yer funny books free of guilt. Old shop will get by. They is a business, not your mom. Just be sure to cancel your sub and not just ignore it while the books pile up. That is super-villain behavior.


Dear Zombie,

Do you think investing in gold or diamonds is a better idea?

Keeping it in Check

Dear Keeper,

Well, if you am planning on a bright future with early retirement and sending your kids to good schools and getting out of the rat race to finally open that petting zoo you always wanted to (not a rat petting zoo, Zombie hope), then Zombie going to say go with both. Even Zombie know it important to diversify.

But if you planning for collapse of civilization and living out your days like the Omega Man then Zombie gots to come at it from a practical perps pserc angel angle. When global economy collapses and civilization is in ruins and every day is a struggle to just stay alive, what are you going to want to carry around in your survival pack? Huge piles of gold what is heavy? Or pockets full of diamonds which are smaller and take up less space and are, let us face this, shinier? But you want to know what Zombie really think you should stock up on if you think somehow world about to go to heck in a handcart? Snacks. It cute that peepulz think that when money becomes meaningless that gold will somehow still maintain value, but how much gold can you eat? Ruler of New World going to be the one with the most peanut butter crackers and Swiss cake rolls.



Zombie say thanks to errybody what writ to Zombie this year. If Zombie not get to your question yet, it could still happen so do not despair. Keep them questions coming. And come back on New Year’s Day for big Zombie predictions! Or something. Zombie not plan that far ahead but know that Zombie Editor expecting a column on January 1. Zombie not take a holiday! For you!

To close out 2013, here are a few short ones. Later!


Q: I once had a goldfish that lived 11 years. Do you think that’s some sort of goldfish longevity record?

A: Yes. Any goldfish what live longer than 11 days in captivity is some kind of miracle. Especially if you talking about them little crackers. Those not last 11 seconds around Zombie.

Q: Have you ever done the cinnamon challenge?

A: Twice. Have hole in lung to prove it. And Zombie still smell like Christmas. Fun fact: Cinnamon Challenge also name of TV weather lady in Spokane, WA.

Q: Are you a stomach sleeper, a back sleeper or a side sleeper?

A: Mostly stomach. But mostly because when Zombie trip on something Zombie fall forward. That usually seem like a good spot to take a break.

Q: The other night I had a dream that I put slip and slides in all the hallways of my house. What do you think this means?

A: Lot of ways to interpret this. Do it portend disappointment? Is it dream of instability? Maybe it mean you cruising through life without obstacles. Zombie choose to think it a message from the future and your house is about to get awesome. Zombie totally want a turn.

Q: Have you ever just eaten the dry powdered seasoning packet that comes in Top Ramen?

A: Is there other way to eat it? Zombie always thought that was why they put it in there.

Q: I’m in the market for a new brand of shampoo. What would you suggest?

A: Castor oil for that “who has time to wash?” sheen. All the kids are doing it. All the kids in Edwardian England, anyway. And that is a look what is coming back. You mark Zombie words.

Q: Would you rather have a starfish’s ability to regenerate limbs, or a bear’s ability to hibernate for months at a time?

A: Dang. Can it not be both? Zombie would love power to regrow bear limbs. See who mess with Zombie then. But if Zombie gots to pick just one, Zombie going to have to go with the starfish power. Could be very useful in Zombie line of work. Also would totally freak out the squares.

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