Ask a Zombie: “Made from Jeremy’s Tears” Edition


You have problems. Yes you do. Write to Zombie. He’ll help you. ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com

Dear Zombie,

You seem to take every opportunity to reassure us that you’re comfortable in your own skin. And really, that relaxed fit, faded, straight-leg look really works for you. Very classy. But so much consolation begs the question, “If there were a cure developed for Zombie…ism(?), would you want it?” And if said cure were derived from plants, would that affect your decision one way or the other?

Sincerely,
Eucalyptus

Hey Euc,

Did you know that “begging the question” is a form of logical fallacy in which a statement or claim is assumed to be true without evidence other than the statement or claim itself? Zombie read it on the Internet. Thus it is true. Unless it on Wikipedia. Then you just rolling the dice. But Zombie got a big but, and that big but is that Zombie also a realist and not gonna stick around here fighting a losing battle. Zombie just going to shuffle on, knowing the truth and when Zombie come to eat your brain he going to eat around the part that not know difference between raising a question and begging one. Zombie got some standards you know.

Anyway, how comes it you think Zombie want to be cured of being zombie? Zombie okay with being zombie and going to find you and cure you of person-ism posthaste.

yrs,
Zombie


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Dear Zombie,

I’ve always wondered, why do some zombies burn in daylight but zombies like you don’t? Also, when the plants attack you, why do your left arms and heads always come off? What about your right arm and legs? Lastly, is there any plants that taste better than others? I know you don’t like eating plants, but are there certain ones you like better than others? I will try to plant my lawn accordingly.

yrs,
Mind

Dear Mr. Mind,

1. Liberal doses of sunscreen. 2. Design flaw. Nah, just kiddings. Zombie is perfect in every way. 3. Zombie still got about 86% of appropriate appendages so until such time as ugly plant succeed in robbing Zombie of aforementioned appropriate appendages Zombie not have answer for that one. Limbs are go! HAHA! Take that, stupid plantz. 4. All plants taste like sadness. 5. See 4. 6. Cut it out. Just… cut it out. Okay? Stop it.

yrs,
Zombie

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You know what is awesome? This. Zombie could stare at it all day. In fact, Zombie going to do just that. You skip on down and keep reading. Zombie just be up here staring.

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Yo Zombie,

Do zombies go to their own schools? Is being a zombie fun? Do zombies have their own facebook or twitter account? Do zombies hate their lives for being a brain-eater and wish to turn back into human? Can zombies turn back into human again? Can zombies talk normally instead of “Argg…Brains…”? How many languages can zombies talk?

Yours,
Curious child

Yo Yourself,

Zombie not got time for fancy book learning. Zombie learn everything Zombie need to know out on the street. As for fun, Zombie not know how you define fun but Zombie love being Zombie so there is that. Looks on peepulz faceses when they all “AIEEEE! ZOMBIE!” never get old. Zombie not do Spaceface or Twooter or whatevs. Zombie too busy in the world to stop and catalog every itch and toot and stray thought what occur to Zombie. Zombie do love some adorable aminal photos, though, so if you gots those please send ‘em to Zombie. And Zombie cover it earlier in this here very same column but it worth mentioning again probly, Zombie dig being Zombie. Why Zombie ever want to be regular peepul? That some serious crazy talk. And as for how Zombie speak, most times peepul only see Zombie at work so only thing you hear (or maybe it last thing you hear) is “Argg…Brains…” Zombie quite the raconteur in fact and can say “Brains” at least five languages. Zombie just not waste it talking to thing what brain Zombie about to eat. Thank you for your interest. And seriously, adorable aminal photos. Hook Zombie up.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

I was wondering how would I be able to obtain a job as a Class A zombie? I have to confess I do not like to eat plants though. Other than that I think I would make a perfect zombie.

Best Regards,
Gustavo

Dear Gus,

Can Zombie call you Gus? Too late, Gus. Zombie call you Gus now. So, anyway Gus, you wanna be a zombie? You just got to get out there and do it. There be not any kinda training manual or “best practices” guide. That stuff is for suckers. Being a zombie not require no kinda advance degree or nothing like that. Just go out there and eat some brains, brother. The rest will take care of itself. And you not have to like the eating the plantz. Zombie not like it neither but it am a occupatiomal hazard. Do what Zombie do, chew up plant and spit it into napkin. And by “spit it into napkin” Zombie mean “just spit it wherever, it just a dumb plant so who cares?” Go to it, Gus! You just taked your first step into a larger world.

yrs,
Zombie

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Zombie,

Sometimes you have actual enlightening advice, and then other times you totally ignore a question and go off on some random rant. I guess my question is, how can you choose to be so philosophical and intelligent in one situation, but then be completely devoid of the brains you so love?

-Danger Jackson

Listen up Jackie-baby,

Zombie always have enlightening advice. Always. Zombie not “choose” to be philomosophical and intelligent. Zombie am phimosolophical and intellegnint. If you not swift enough to pick up on subtleties of Zombie genius, then mabey you go put on yer clown shoes and skip outta here and stop wasting Zombie precious minutes.

Okay, apparently Zombie in a mood this week so let Zombie try to answer this one again, shall Zombie? Why not you write to Zombie again with some of your “problems” and see what Zombie can do for you? Surely Danger Jackson (if that really your name which seem unlikely but whatever whatevs) not got it all so dialed in that he could not benefit from a little Zombie assistance in improving self. Trouble at school? Need help with some dance moves? Feeling misunderstood by “the man?” Can’t figure out how to get on a pennyfarthing without tipping over? These are things Zombie am ready to help with. So go ahead, gamble a stamp. You just became Zombie pet project. Zombie know where you live so you not able to hide. For real.

yrs,
Zombie

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ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com
Write it down. Use it. Live better.


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