Ask a Zombie: “Brighter Than a Lucky Penny” Edition

Have a question only Zombie can answer? Write to
Like these people did.

Hey Zombie,

Where disappeared the brain of my cat?

Tic Tac

What up Tic Tac?

Cats like to hide junk. Did you check your underpants drawer? Maybe one of your shoes? How about on your pillow? Behind the couch? In a plant? Under the bed? Did you just aks the cat? “Hey, Cat! Where disappeared the brain of you?” It not like cat going to answer, what with it not having the brain, but Zombie figger your chances are about as good with the brain as without so whaddaya got to lose?



Dear Zombeh,

I recently broke up with my girlfriend but somehow we always end up getting back together. My parents and myself are tired with it, but I still love her. The only thing is that this time I was talking with one of her close friends and he said that my girlfriend actually liked him longer than we’ve been dating! I’m so heartbroken now and I don’t even know if I should attempt getting back with her. (We’re still close friends and hug and talk and stuff like that and sometimes I go over to a friend’s house who also invites her and we get back together but that was before I found out she liked this other guy.) or move on for another girl? (Note that we’ve been dating for 4 months but it’s felt longer than that.)

Heartbroken Harry

Dear Hairy,

Sounds like mabey you two break up a lot. And then get back together a lot. Mabey tell Zombie what is the point of that? Fish or cut bait, man. You also say you are tired of it but you still loves her. Which one is more? Zombie think if it the latter then maybe you not write to Zombie to complain. Put that in your hat and kick it under the bus, or whatever that saying is. And then some guy what she knows who likes her announces that she always liked him better and you believe him? Zombie need some background on this cat. He might not be most reliable witness. You could aks the girl if it true but Zombie guess dude you not really know what is trying to get in your way romantical-wise is good enough reason for you to go on the mope. Do Zombie have a clear picture so far? Sounds like mabey you is asking Zombie for permission to move on. Then Zombie read you been dancing this dumb dance for four months. Four months? Dude, Zombie got toenail fungus older than that. Move on HH. Move on.



Dear Zombie,

I am trying to make piano music as, you see, I am a composer for piano, yet I think people are not watching me lately, am I doing something wrong here? Do you have any advice on what to do to improve my chances?


Hey Maxo,

Write some jingles? Parody songs? Take up the keytar. That worked out pretty good for Stormer from The Misfits. (What? Zombie like Jem & the Holograms. That is not a crime.) Sounds like mabey you are suffering for your art and, as far as Zombie can tell, that is what you supposed to be doing. So why not suffer some more? Turn off all the heat in your house. Or the air conditioner. Zombie not know where you live so do whatever to make yourself as uncomfortrbale as possible. Give away your bed and sleep on a pile of old music books by composers who are successful but you don’t respect. Eat gruel. Get consumption but don’t treat it. Insult the king when he is only trying to help you. Throw out all your paper and pencils and write with burnt ends of matchsticks and put music on scraps of paper torn out of old books. Make sure two or three keys on your piano don’t work. Want to use those notes in a song? Tough! Insist that nobody understands you. Even if they do, tell them they don’t. Commit to a lifetime of being misunderstood by peers. They make movies out of junk like that.



Hi Zombie!

I’m from Mexico, sorry my bad english… I do my best work. I have some questions for you. What do you do in your free time? When you are not searching brains to eat. Why all Plants vs Zombies Zombies are too smart to write letters or dress up and the TV or movies zombies not? Who is more stronger? Plants vs Zombies Zombies or TV and movies zombies? Because them can support bullets and you with beans are MORE dead.

Thankyou so much for your time!
Muchas gracias!


¡Hola Erick!

Zombie not gots a lot of free time. Searching for brains to eat take up a lot of the day. But in those rare moments when Zombie find Zombieself with idle minutes, Zombie enjoy scratching back against a tree, looking for interesting bottle caps to add to Zombie bottle cap collection and working on novel about Zombie private detective what is trying to balance demands of job with going to night school to learn how to write novel about private detective what is trying to balance demands of the job with going to night school.

As for what difference between Zombie zombie and TV movie zombie, TV movie zombie just some guy playing dress up. He might be all gnashy teeth and crazy eyes and “Ima eat your braaaaain!” when camera pointed at him but at end of day he wash his face and go home to wait net-45 for a check for his day of extra work. Zombie like Zombie never wash face.



Dear Zombie,

I have a lot of anxiety and depression problems, and I keep being sick. College is really stressful, but I don’t feel like I can ask my boyfriend for support because he’s all excited over a new girlfriend (we’re poly) and he has his own stress. How do I get my needs met by him without ruining our relationship by being too needy?

Sick, Stressed, and Depressed

Dearest SS&D,

Zombie assuming there is just one of you writing this letter but relationship status is slightly confusing for old-fashioned Zombie so please forgive if Zombie am misunderstanding.

Okay, here goes. Zombie going to break this down into two words. Get. Out.

You want mabey slightly longer answer? Here comes that. It sound to Zombie like yer “boyfriend” is the one what is “poly” and you mabey just going along for the ride. You clearly gots enough aggramavation without “boyfriend” adding to it so why you wasting another minute with Jerky the Jerkface Jerk? It is college! There gotta be at least one other person there what might like you and not be all “hey I like you AND I like this other girl too so howsabout you let me have everything I want and you just have all the sadness and frustration, cool?” You get yourself right on out of there, sister. Zombie not even kidding.

And on the chance you not going to take the best advice what anybody – alive or not-quite-alive – ever gived to you just now, then you going to have to play this all pass/agg and make errybody as miserable as you are. Is that how you want to run this? Get yourself a new boyfriend then. Maybe two. Throw a girlfriend in there just for laughs. Buy first “boyfriend” a cat and tell him you can share custody but then never take care of it and make him do all the work. Yes, yes, Zombie suggest you drag as many peepulz and aminals into this nightmare as possible. Then when you is older you really going to have lots of regrets and who doesn’t want to live their life backwards wishing they hadn’t wasted so much time doing stupid stuff when they could have been having fun?

Or just dump whatshisface and give yourself a chance to be happy. Your call.



That email address again:
Zombie is standing by.
Don’t leave him hanging.

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