Rejected Game Ideas VI: Too Beautiful to Live


It’s time once again for another round of the always popular Rejected Game Ideas! Well, they’re popular with the Blog Ride team anyway. And since our weekly meeting is usually just an hour of sharing juicy gossip and saying things to each other that would be an HR violation in any other meeting, we try to at least sometimes come up with stuff we can share with the public. This is that.

Please note, there may or may not be a single shred of truth in anything you are about to read. Proceed accordingly.

And as always, please don’t steal. Or, if you do, steal well. Let’s begin, shall we?

Mister Ham Hands
Your job at the watch factory is in danger when you wake up one morning to find that you have two canned hams where your hands used to be. Can you still accomplish the precise work necessary to craft fine Swiss time pieces after your once delicate fingers have been turned into steam-cooked pork product?

Cautiously Pessimistic
Brace for the worst while battling an army of Pollyannas intent on making you “turn that frown upside down.”

Call Off the Hydra
The Hydra has escaped! As the Chief Hydra Keeper for the angry god Smoth it’s up to you to get the Hydra back in its cave before it destroys the village of Ogukuo and all of Smoth’s worshipers. Work quickly to distract the Hydra with giant balls of yarn before the villagers get frightened and start entreating their god for aid. Can you call off the Hydra before Smoth turns his wrathful eye on you?

Egg Juggler
There’s a fox in the hen house and he just wants to join the circus. Help him perfect his egg-juggling skills and land that important audition for Professor McLinder’s Traveling Animal Fun Time Show and Petting Zoo. If he gets the job, you get 10% of his earnings!

 

Pet Peeve Society
Be the first to complete a list of behaviors that drive you crazy. File them away and earn bonus points for bringing them up in the heat of an argument!

Intern Fight
You and a team of interns spent the last four months toiling away at CardBoTech Heavy Industries and now one full-time position is available. Do you have the moxie to get noticed and land that coveted job? Climb up the leaderboard by mastering mini-games like “Coffee Run,” “Pick Up My Dry Cleaning” and “I Need You to Come in Over the Weekend.”

How Did I Get Here?
You wake up in a cubicle. You look down and notice a coffee stain on your ill-fitting khakis. You’re holding a spreadsheet full of figures that you don’t understand and someone is standing over you telling you that he needs “real quick” changes to a project he approved last week. How did you get here? And how do you get out? From the makers of “Intern Fight.”

Reign or Rein: My Kingdom or a Horse?
Reluctant boy king, and high-school dropout, Basil the Fourth is neglecting his royal duties in favor of spending the day at the track. Correct his spelling and get him back on the throne!

Angry Angry Hippo
A juvenile delinquent hippo has been terrorizing Main Street; roughing up the kids down at the malt shop, stealing from the general store, carving his name on the bandstand. Use your skills of mediation and outreach to befriend him and find out why he’s so angry. Can you set him on the right path before crooked Police Chief Crocodile J. Sheridan throws him into the reformatory? 

Bow-Legged Bear Attack
A quiet weekend camping trip is interrupted by a surprise visit from a bow-legged bear. Don’t let his comical perambulation distract you from his unpleasant disposition and fearsome claws.

Rubber Baby Boomer Bumpers
Your aging parents have decided to take up a potentially dangerous new hobby. You’re concerned about their well-being but don’t want to cramp their style. Can you quietly slip a fifty to their cardio kick-boxing instructor to take it easy on them? Keep them safe and one day that inheritance will be yours!

Paci-FIST
You’re calm in the face of adversity. You wisely avoid conflict with those intent on causing trouble. But you always know when somebody just needs a big bite of knuckle sandwich.

Burn Cycles
It’s all-out racing action with no finish line! Reach dangerously high speeds as you go around and around and around without rest. Hold on tight as the wheels come off and your engine explodes in a dazzling fireball of pointless destruction! But the race doesn’t end there. Hop on a new Burn Cycle and start the whole insane process all over again.

Let’s Make Assumptions!
Do your best to beat the game with no clear objective, direction or means of progress. You are the mysterious leader of a squad of taciturn… soldiers? Doctors? Maybe they’re florists. Wait, are they on your side or are they the enemy? Just keep guessing until it seems like you’re getting somewhere. Then guess some more!

Bad Mood Ring
Travel the globe in search of the fabled Bad Mood Ring. Believed to be set with the rarest of rare stones, the Querulous Gem, it is highly sought after but it is very, very cursed. You must find it and destroy it before it makes the whole world really crabby.

Maximizing Maxes: Ernst vs. Scherzer
It’s Art vs. Sport in a battle for the ages. Can 2013 Cy Young Award winner Max Scherzer grasp Surrealism and “resolve the previously contradictory conditions of dream and reality”? Can legendary artist, and winner of the Grand Prix at the 1954 Venice Biennale, Max Ernst hit a 94 mile-an-hour fastball? And what happens when you unlock veteran Swedish actor Max von Sydow?

Teeming with Lemurs
Your dream vacation just got weird! The resort you booked has been overrun by lemurs and you can’t find a human helper anywhere. Do you hotwire the resort shuttle bus and make a break for the airport or do you train the lemurs to do your bidding and become The King of Lemur Island?

Teaming with Lemurs
Your dream vacation just got weird! The resort you booked is run by an army of lemurs under the tyrannical rule of an evil human calling himself The King of Lemur Island! Do you hotwire the resort shuttle bus and make a break for the airport or do you rally the lemurs in a fight for independence?

Cradle to the Gravy
Become the youngest saucier at Mrs. Cavendish’s Culinary Day Care. Make the perfect Béchamel before kindergarten or be stuck as a Communard for the rest of your sad, sad life.

Old Timey Puddin’
The evil wizard who lives in the mountain is lonely. And until he finds a mate he has vowed to unleash his terrible magicks on the quiet village you call home. As the chief pudding maker it’s up to you to fashion a wife for him from the skin that grows on your product. Can you make him an acceptable Pudding Bride before your village is destroyed?

Chuckle and Chew
Shove a bunch of pie in your face and start telling off-color jokes. Be the one who laughs loudest without food falling out of your mouth to win the game!

Did the Dog Do That?
From the makers of “That’s Not Chocolate” comes the game where you try to divine the origin of mysterious carpet stains, missing personal items and strange new smells.

Please Take a Mint
Is the offer of a mint just a kind gesture or are there hygienic implications? It’s the game of subtle hints and when to take them!

Thanks for reading, Internet Friends! There are plenty more Rejected Game Ideas where these came from. And we’ll have more up for you as soon as there is some important work to be avoided!

 


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