Ask a Zombie: “Unforeseen Consequences Are the Best Kind of Consequences” Edition


­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Have a question only Zombie can answer? Write to: ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com. These people did. And so can you.

Dear Zombie,

My friends keep telling me to get a girlfriend, apparently my life is a complete bore to them. I’m focusing on college so far and I don’t really have time for pretty much anything! What would you recommend I do and what should I tell my friends?

From,
Hopeless Student

Dear Ho-Stu,

First, girlfriend not like a pizza or a haircut. Dude cannot just go “get” one. Girl have to wanna be yer friend and then you can mabey take it from there. Oh, are your “friends” all kinda funny looking? Maybe you the only one with a face that any good? That a lot of responsibility. But do not let “friends” non-traditional countenances distract you from your attempts to better yourself. Tell ugly friends to go “get” their own girlfriends (or boyfriends or whatever), you too busy working on your nefarious schemes for global domination. Or just tell ‘em to mind their own stupid business. Why you gotta be the guy what they live vicariously through?

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

I get that you zombies wear a suit and tie and all but what about mummy zombies, pirate zombies and rodeo zombies? Why do you not wear those outfits?

Sincerely Robert

Dear Sincerely Robert,

Each zombie is a precious snowflake, Robert. If some zombies want to wear a brown coat and other zombies want to wear a pirate hat then that is up to zombies. How Robert would feel if Zombie aks Robert why Robert not wear golf shirt and chinos like all other them other dorks in the office? Or aks Robert where am his novelty sweater-vest with brocade snowman like school librarian wear? Or why Robert not wear red shirt and khakis so he look like he work at that one big box store? (You ever accidentally wear red when you go in there to buy junk? The worst.) Just like alive peepulz, Zombie gotta be Zombie. If that means Zombie going to wake up one day and put on culottes and a muscle shirt, that not the business of nobody but Zombie. Also, Zombie gonna make that look good.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Sir/Madam,

Amacom is trading company that is into the import and export of goods like ,Refractories  Products,Professional Products Drawing, Graphic,Arts and crafts,and advanced electronic devices to The United States, Canada and other parts of the world.

Due to the Increasing number of clients that we have,we are having difficulty in reaching all of them, as regard this we decided to employ representatives to help us get to our clients.As our representative,you shall serve as a link between us and our clients your salary will be negotiated between you and our company .

Prospective representative  coordinators should forward the following info to the recruitment officer via this email

1. Full names
2. Full contact address( not P. O. Box).
3. Phone number/fax
4. Details of past work experiences (If any) 5. Present job if employed

Regards.
Charles Coleman

Dear Gary Charles,

Amacom? Ooh, Zombie heard of you guys. Too bad (for you) Zombie got this job and not about to give it up. Not to say Zombie not flattered – and honestly, Zombie love nothing more than sending all personally identifiable information to total stranger what have comma trouble – but Charles Coleman might be surprised to know how often Zombie get calls from other big-time companies like Gooqle, bEay and Mircosoft.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

I enjoy reading your hilarious responses to emailed questions, although I notice that you reply with equally hilarious (and saddening) responses to serious questions (e.g. what to wear to a date). According to my knowledge, Ask A Zombie is supposed to be an advice column. Therefore, I ask you to please give occasional serious advice along with your usual funny replies.

Sincerely,
Bob The Great

Dear Mr. The Great,

Why you accuse Zombie of not giving “serious advice”? If Zombie had capacity for human emotion, Zombie would be suprassingly offended by implication that Zombie not dispensing the most serious of guidance. You can accuse Zombie of a lotta things what Zombie will cop to – insatiable appetite for human brainz, questionable personal hygiene, all-consuming and unrequited crush on Angela Lansbury – but the not taking of solemn duty inherent in disseminating of advice with the utmost seriosity is not one of them things. Sheesh. It like you not even been paying attention to Zombie.

Wait. Was you just trying to aks Zombie what you should wear on a date? You not gotta be all coy, Bob. Zombie am here to help. Where you going on big date? Zombie guessing you gonna wants to wear pants, at a minimum. Unless it one of them places what got a sign what says “no shoes, no shirt, no service” and you just want to be a smart guy. That will show date you have a sense of humor. Mabey not a good one, but one. Tuck your shirt in, wear a belt, put on clean socks and, in the name of all that is decent, take your hat off at the table. Even Zombie know that.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

What is your favourite game?

Junior

Dear Jr,

That am a hard one. It sort of a three-way tie betwixt Crack the Whip, Hey Pa! There’s a Goat on the Roof, and Game 6 of the 1993 World Series.

yrs,
Zombie

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Have a question? Zombies are standing by.
Okay it’s just one Zombie but he is standing by.
Also, he doesn’t really have any other function around here so let’s all keep him busy so he doesn’t start wandering around and getting into trouble.
Do you want more zombies on the street? Do you?
Write to: ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com


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