If you went trick-or-treating and were stuck with a bag full of Necco wafers, lime flavored Tootsie Rolls, Double Bubble, Root Beer Barrels, Raisins, Circus Peanuts, and Boston Baked Beans, which one would you eat first?
Dear Gus or Not,
This is worse than Sophie’s Choice.
First of all raisins are out. Zombie intensely dislike raisins and their families. Zombie also think probly nobody like horrible person what thinks raisins are okay to give out for the Halloween. Halloween about getting as much free candy as you possibly can from peepul you may or may not know. You gots rest of year to eat salad and keep a polite distance from yer neighbors. Why you gotta be that guy who rain on one night of obscene candy intake? It is not your job to be the Fun Police (unless you are actual certified Fun Police Officer which Zombie pretty sure does not exist so stop trying to be cute). If you cannot get on Halloween trolley, just turn off your stupid lights and hide in the basement until everybody goes away. Handing out raisins is not the solution.
Okay, sorry. Zombie working through some stuff right now. Let’s talk about candy, what say you?
Zombie going to start at the bottom of the list and work to the favorite just to make it all suspenseful. Zombie going full Casey Kasem on you. Or BuzzFeed. Or whatever. Herewith:
Zombie Top Six Candies Based on the List What Person Sent Which May Not Include All Zombie Favorite Candy Because Nobody Mentioned Licorice or Sponge Toffee.
6. Double Bubble – Not strickly eatable so Zombie have to put it on the bottom of the list. Zombie do enjoy the insouciance of that powder they put on it that actually is the only thing that tastes like something that is not the bottom of a sneaker. Points off for not including hilarious comic strip with each piece.
5. Root Beer Barrels – Eating hard candy is like kissing your dowager aunt who wears too much lipstick. Nobody really like it but it not going to kill you. Also like dowager aunt, root beer taste like horse liniment.
4. Necco Wafers – Not all flavors are winners, but on balance you could do worse. Plus, you gonna get a ton of wafers in each roll so that a lot of candy eating. You could also put one under your tongue and pretend you are paying Charon to take you across the Styx. Or you could hang out in your room and eat them while listening to the band Styx. A whole roll would probably get you through both sides of “Paradise Theater.”
3. Boston Baked Beans – Everything about the name of this candy is a lie. But “Chicago Sugar-Coated Peanuts” sounds like a not-very-popular burlesque performer. On the plus side, they really get stuck in your teeth good so if you do it right you could shove a whole box of these in your face and be eating them slowly over several days. And you can make the box into a whistle. For real.
2. Lime Flavored Tootsie Rolls – Zombie at a loss to explain fondness for these things. Then Zombie realize Zombie not owe nobody an explanation for liking to eat weird candies what taste funny and have the texture of soft wax. Oh, speaking of soft wax, Zombie also like wax lips. Maybe a little because Zombie not really have any lips to speak of.
1. Circus Peanuts – (clap clap clapclapclap) Circus Peanuts (clap clap clapclapclap). Zombie saving best for last since, like Zombie, Circus Peanuts are an abomination. A thing so horrible it should not be and yet there they is. Unknowable. Unkillable. Irresistible. Also a weird color, sorta bumpy and have a mostly unpleasant smell.
How do you feel about blue flavored candy?
Zombie know a lot about plants (out of need, not out of any real interest) and there not no such thing as a blue razzberry. Zombie also know that this imf ifn make plants super mad so Zombie immediately in favor of it. Seriously, has you ever had the bad luck to overhear a watermelon gassing on and on about how watermelon candy not taste nothing like a real watermelon? Who gots two thumbs and want to jam them in own eyes when plants talk about anything? This Zombie! And leave us not even get started on grapes. Those dudes never stop talking. Anyway, Zombie not really “like” like blue flavored candy beacuase it usally come in the hard candy form which automatically puts it in the category of root beer barrels and them awful butterscotch choking hazards. But if it gonna wreck a plants day? Zombie going to buy it by the pound.
What’s your favorite ride at the fair?
Mrs. R. Lewis
Dear Mrs. R,
This almost as bad as candy question at the beginning. How am Zombie supposed to pick just one? If Zombie going to pick one ride what Zombie like to ride, it gots to be bumper cars. Any ride designed to cause physical injury and possible electrocution seem like too much fun to pass up. For pure fun of watching peepulz make themselfs miserable, clear winner is them spinny tea cups. It make errybody super dizzy and it never not funny to watch them stagger around afterward. Also make them pretty easy targets. Honorable mention go to the Zipper ride because all sorts of junk falls out of peepulz pocketses on that one. You could make a coupla bucks just hanging out under that ride. Not to mention all the lip balm you can eat.
I have so many mismatched socks that I have stopped trying to wear matching ones. This is ok until I have to take my shoes off in the airport security line or go to someone’s house with the no-shoes rule. In those cases do you think it’s just better to take my socks off too?
What kinda feet you got? If you got good looking toes what are all pedicured, maybe it okay, but if you got big hairy Hobbit feet maybe nobody want to look at them things. Except maybe other Hobbit? Am you a Hobbit? Because if you is then why you worried about socks? Hobbit just rock the big hairy feet and don’t nobody say anything about it. Sorry, Zombie get sidetracked. You probaly not a Hobbit.
Anyway, if you going to wear mismatched socks, they have to be wicked mismatched. No two-sorta-similar-shades-of-black or one-is-brown-and-one-is-blue-but-you-can-only-tell-in-daylight. It gotta be like, half a pair of panty hose and a tube sock. Or one men’s argyle sock and a yellow leg warmer. Don’t stop there. Wear different shoes. Wear one sock. Wear sock on your arm. Wear underpants outside your pants. Wear shirts backwards. Wear sweater on your bottom instead of pants. Wear bread bags on feet instead of shoes. Wear shoes on hands and then act really offended when nobody wanna shake your hand. Pretty soon nobody invite you over to their house no more so you don’t have to worry about anybody with a no-shoes rule.
As for other part of your question, has you ever been to the airport? You gotta work really hard to win the “Weirdest Person at the Airport” contest. Mismatched socks not even put you in top 20.
You could also just throw out all your socks and buy new ones that all look exackly alike. Let Zombie know what you decide.
Some toothpastes have a stand-up lid and some don’t. Why don’t they just standardize that? Also, do you show any brand loyalty when it comes to toothpaste?
The Spice Grinder
Dear What the Heck Kind of Name Is That?
The “they” you is referring to in your question is no doubt the super-secret Toothpaste Cabal. Zombie probaly inviting trouble by even acknowledging that they are a thing. What most peopole don’t know is that Toothpaste Cabal actually a small group of powerful dental hygienists what make all decisions on international oral care. International Association of Dentists is a front! What zombie saying is don’t make your hygienist mad. Last person who aksed about the toothpaste lids disappeared for a week. When they found him, he was wrapped in an x-ray shield, muttering “the flossing… the flossing…”
Anyhoo, do Zombie look like Zombie use toothpastes? Seriously. Do you know Zombie at all? Zombie am partial to Brown’s Camphorated Saponaceous Dentifrice. Trouble is, Zombie cannot find it no more which partly explains messed up tooth situation. Other part of explamanation is that camphor is apparently toxic if ingested. Eh, win some lose some.
Zombie loves you and wants you to be happy.
So write to him and let him solve all your problems.