Ask a Zombie: “The Treasure That You’re Worth” Edition


Dear Zombie,

What’s the right way to spell it – donut or doughnut?

Two Birds

Dear Birdies,

Okay just for second Zombie thought this was one of them jokes where zombie go on and on about right spelling of thing and then you be all like “no, you spell ‘it’ I T.” and then you laugh because you think you all clever and then Zombie get angry and start smashing stuff because nobody like to be made the fool. But Zombie going to assume that this not one of them kind of things and actually try to answer the question. Because nobody want to see Zombie smash stuff.

Look, it made of dough, right? So Zombie think you gots to go with “doughnut.” If it was made of “do” (which not even Zombie would eat) then you could write it as “donut.” If you think it is a big pain to spell the right way, just remember, you can’t spell “doughnut” without “ugh.”

Or you could just be a jerk (highest Zombie recommendation!) and call them olykoeks. Zombie looked it up. And you can, too.

yrs,
Zombie

___________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

Is it true that the dream where your teeth crumble out of your mouth means that you are worried about finances?

Sincerely,
Mike M.

Hiya Mikey,

Thing about interprematating dreams is you can kinda make ‘em about whatever. You could say, “Oh I had me a dream about my teeth falling out! I gonna buy lottery tickets!” Or “I had the teeth-fall-out dream last night. I should probababaly stop going to sleep with candy in my mouth.” Or whatevs. Maybe that kind of dream is really just dream that you are worried about your teeths falling out. Zombie not sure. Zombie not have a lot of teeth or a lot of finances so Zombie just kind of making educated guess here. If you is worried about yer moneys then yeah, you could probly say that dream is about how you are worried about fincances. But you culd say that even if dream was about cats or pixies or that hunky bartender you don’t have the nerve to chat up. Some peepul go for bad meaning of dreams and some peopole go for good one and then some peeps go all Freudian but Freud thought everything was about one thing and the less said about that thing the better.

yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

How do they segment mandarin oranges so perfectly?

Specs

Dear Specs,

Zombie not sure who “they” be what you is referring to. Wizards? Freemasons? Bears? Or is you one of them fancy peepul what got a big staff in your English manor and when “they” bring you fruit it always perfeckly segmented and this confuses you beauase for all your fancy pantsedness and college type book learning the simplest concepts of how to get by in the world completely escape you. In which case “they” is probly your butler or somebody like that what wears a tux alla time and quietly resents you. Ask him. Zombie is not yer butler.

yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________

Hey Zombie,

Can you microwave wet clothes to dry them out?

Lotta Laundry

What up LL?

Zombie going to say “yes.” So, yes. It way better than putting them in coven covnv regular oven. (Mabey some time Zombie tell you about The Underpants Fire of 1981.) But if’n your microwave not have the spinny thing, you going to have to rotate clothes a quarter turn every couple minutes so they don’t get all dry on one side and stay moist on the other. Also put some fish sticks in there with your wet clothes so you can do laundry and make lunch. Saves time and energy! And clothes come out with nice fish stick smell!

yrs,
Zombie

P.S. Zombie Lawyer want me to tell you that if you actually do that then neither Zombie nor Zombie parent company responsible for whatever happen to your clothes or your microwave or your fish sticks or your house or the power grid. Microwave pants at your own risk.

___________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

My boots are squeaky. Any ideas on how to make them quiet?

Signed,
BTG

Dear BTG,

Threaten them? Walk on your tippy toes? Wear corduroy pants and a nylon windbreaker and clothes make so much noise nobody know where squeaking noise is coming from? Narrate everything you doing in a really loud voice whenever you walk someplace so nobody hear yer dumb boots? Travel by pogo stick? Walk on yer hands? Go barefoot? Find somebody to carry you everyplace you gotta go? Say the word “squeak” out loud evry time you take a step so it just sounds like you goed crazy and your boots are not the problem? Own up to it and insist everybody call you by new nickname “Squeaky Boots”? Skip? Boss other peepul around to make them do your bidding so’s you do not gotta walk anyplace ever? Stomp your feet and make monster noises like you is Godzilla or something? How many more ideas you need? Maybe you just slide around on some glossy paper like Zombie Temp Worker did that one time.

Whatever happen to that guy?

yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________

Listen, you aren’t going to have Zombie here to kick you around forever.
So write to him while the writing’s good. Seriously.
ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com


To report an offensive post, hover over the upper right hand area of the comment and click the 'x' that appears.