Hey everyone! Happy Listen To Reason Day! What’s that? You’ve never heard of such a holiday? Then congratulations: You have now outed yourself as someone who does not own our 2013 Plants vs. Zombies wall calendar, where the holiday was clearly marked for this day, October 2. We’d like to say that we are ashamed of you for not knowing this, but that would not be very reasonable… and, ya know, we can’t do that today.
That said, it is not remotely too late for you to pick up the 2014 PvZ wall calendar, available right here for the low, low price of only $15. At this price, it would be positively unreasonable of you not to buy at least five. So do it. Don’t make us beg. It’s fellow blog writer Philip’s mom’s birthday, and he’s never going to be able to buy her that switchblade she’s been coveting if he doesn’t earn a little more cash here. So please. Do it for Philip’s mom.
You may wonder, by the way, what happens on Listen To Reason Day. On Listen To Reason Day, we actually stop, for one day, living like the animals that we are and do things like, say, not shut down the federal government. Or try to stick a banana up our nostrils. Really, when you stop to think about it, there is a lot to listen for on Listen To Reason Day. On any other day, we might, for example, want to stick our head in the microwave oven, just to see what might happen. On this day, however, we stop. We listen to reason. We realize that having a melted face, with our brains splattered all over the inside of the oven, might not be the smartest thing to do, however viral the Instagram photo might be.
On this day, we encourage you to pause and reflect, think about your own life, and what you can do to make more reasonable decisions, for the betterment of yourself and those around you. To help you along this path, your humble blog writer here has compiled his own list of 10 things he plans to listen to reason about on this day.
Top 10 Ways I Plan To Listen To Reason Today
- I am not going to strip nude and run through the office screaming “EVERYBODY PLAY ANGRY BIRDS!”
- I am not going to staple my head to my desk.
- I am not going to call my 75-year-old mother, disguise my voice, and say “I saw that thing that you did.”
- I am not going to yodel.
- I am not going to ask my wife if it’s okay for me to date younger women once in awhile.
- I am not going to pretend that what I do is important.
- I am not going to try to gargle peanut butter.
- I am not going to assume that my feet clean themselves.
- I am not going to keep this hobo tied up in my basement anymore.*
- I am not going to wear swim goggles while driving.
Note that all of this only applies today. Tomorrow all bets are off. Just like all holidays, we only have to think about it for one day, and then we can go back to being as unreasonable as we like for the next 364 days. So go ahead. Listen to reason today. You’ll feel better about yourself, and, in the process, a lot of hobos may live to see another day.
That’s what we call a win-win.
*Note: Jeff Green does not actually tie up hobos or harm them in any way.