Ask a Zombie: “The Thrill of Broken Promises” Edition


Dear Zombie(s),

My friend recently got his wisdom teeth pulled (I think he’s a little dumber now). It looks like it hurts a lot! I see that you are missing some teeth too. Did you get them pulled? Did it hurt? If no, how did you lose your teeth?

Chase Y.

Dear Chase,

Zombie think Zombie got about five teefs left. Here’s how Zombie lost other 27:

Banged head on table, tripped on shoelace, head caught in revolving door, unnoticed banana peel, hammer to the face, bit into a penny, just fell out (swallowed it), loaned to different zombie – never got it back, squirrel, bike crash, kissed the wrong girl, gum disease, tripped on curb, squirrel, snowball with a rock in it, bumped into slower zombie, foul ball, fell out of tree, stolen (no leads), opened a bottle, slippery roof, surprised kids playing marbles, Evander WHO-lyfield?, stick aimed for eye came in too low, juggling accident, ill-advised display of strength, squirrel.

yrs,
Zombie

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Bill

Hi Bill,

If you wants to get in there and clear out plants for Zombie before you do door hangy thing, Zombie give you the full penny. And that’s real.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie

If I do end up going to the high school that I want to, what do I do first when I get there on the first day?

From
Your Dinner #125

Dear You,

Lay low.

High school is a nightmare of awkward encounters and crippling self-examination. Goal should be to get out fast with as few humiliating memories as possible. Do not listen to jerks who are all “oh these are best years of your life” because those peepul are wrong and doomed to long, long lives of emptiness and longing for an imagined past that never was. Like philosopher John Sebastian said, “Your dreams are your ticket out.” Zombie paraphrasing, but you get the idea, Zombie think. So stay quiet, do your work and get on to college and your career where you can start making more important mistakes with your life.

Oh, and maybe join a club.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

What do I do when my pants won’t buckle?

Shelby

Shear Delby,

Obvious answer is ditch the pants. But sometimes peepul get all hung up on decorum so maybe that not a option where you is. Maybe switch out to clown pants or a muumuu. If upgrading wardrobe not possibul, maybe try a piece of rope for a belt. Make sure it is long enough so you gots room for to grow. But what you gonna do with old belt? You not just want to throw it out. So maybe wrap it around some books and carry it around like Almonzo walking Laura to school. But just so you know, you eventually going to have to adopt Jenny Wilder if you do that. So maybe just ditch the pants. Peepuls might say stuff but it going to make your life a bunch easier on the whole. Pants are probly overrated anyway.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

Why can’t we have nice things?

Love,
Mom

Dear Mom,

Zombie not having this conversation with you again. If you want nice things, maybe you not put them where Zombie gotta do stuff. Now please you not bother Zombie at work again. See you Sunday?

yrs,
Zombie
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Zombie is a pretty smart so-and-so.
You don’t believe it? Write to him and find out for yourself!
We dare you! Big chicken.
ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com


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