Here at the Blog Ride HQ (which is actually in a mansion made of gold on top of a hill outside of town. And yeah, it’s the Ask a Zombie mansion, but as long as we all wear pots on our heads everything is groovy), we take pride in our long list of Rejected Game Ideas. This being the fourth installment, well, I’d say we deserve all the pride people can get from a bunch of awesome games that were actually never ever made, or even thought about, as real games. Get that: these are for fun only! So, don’t go breakin’ my heart by thinking differently. Also, as Governor Curtis once said, “Please don’t steal. Or, if you do, steal well.” Now on to the best rejected game ideas ever, for the fourth time.
Johnny Cash & Carry
You hear the cash a comin’, it’s fifties round the bend, and you ain’t seen the deposit box, since you don’t know when. You’re stuck in a cash-carrying prison, and time keeps dragging on!
Lady Chatterley’s Doughnut Shop
Transverse the succulent shop aisles from Cruller to Twist to Boston Cream without getting sugared up by the saucy servers or over-powered by the fast-talking Long John. Keep your eyes up in this 18 + action-strategy hit.
Master the art of four-finger flight controls in this simulator where the skies are the limit, but your thumbs are off-limits.
Heroic hares take to the sky to prove to the cats they’re not the only ones who can go higher than a hop.
Dictatortots V: General Gratin’s Revenge
The world’s most popular potato-based video game for 5 years in a row! This time, things get gooey as you try to take over the Auvergne. Ack – the Hachis Parmentier strikes from the skies!
Who has the twistingest tail? Who’s not afraid of the dastardly bayou boat captain and his hook hand? Who’s gonna snap up the abandoned muffaletta sandwich first and be crowned Grand Marshall of Gators!
The Italians ply you with pasta and prosecco. The French proffer cheese and wine. The Germans, pretzels and beer. The Belgians, chocolate and crème de menthe. The goal? Find the border without gaining 20 pounds.
Worse, Worser, Worstest: A Game of Ideas
The game of anti-creativity that’s taken middle management by storm. Everyone gets a pad of paper, a pencil, and a problem. Whoever generates the groans wins!
Spray Cheese Champion
We will, we will, cover you in spray cheese! We will, we will, cover you in spray cheese! We will, we will, cover you in spray cheese!
It’s the jocks versus the nerds one more time in this racing game that pits muscled runners in shoes and sweatbands against monocled misfits in hopped up Hondas on a high-rise highway of hilarity.
If you took the smarmiest co-worker, the guy who sits on the bus and picks his toes, and Justin Bieber’s used dental floss and combined them into a pie, it would still not be as disagreeable as this game.
Sweater Vest Vigilante
He’s got a long-barrel Colt .45 caliber pistol and an obsession with argyle patterns. You’re wearing black Converse and a 2001 Iverson jersey. And then the aliens land.
Shut Yer Yap
A whole room of yaps! Just thirty seconds to shut ‘em! Go!
Doctor Fudge and His Barrel of Flunkies
You must pilot your ship of spices over the custard seas while skirmishing the footman forces of the formidable Doctor Fudge who hovers over you in his baking soda balloon, dropping flour bombs. And has Cadet Cardamom gone bad?
Wrong Turner & Hooch
Track down the dognappers in a city architected by the deranged while slamming a shot of soda pop after every reloading. “A tipsy first person shooter for the ages.” – Dean Martin Daily News.
Who Drank the Drano?
The latest “saga” game to take mobile gamers by storm.
Sit On It!
Some think this is too violent. We disagree. It’s actually educational, as it teaches kids the dangerousness of sitting where they shouldn’t. Sure, the blood and gore gets a little excessive. But learning isn’t supposed to be fun.
That’s Not Chocolate
Pick your team. Emphasize subterfuge and precision strikes. Get the right weapon. Buckle up the body army. Because the match game genre just got real.
Hold it, hold it, how long can you hold it?
First, there was Straws. Then, there was Clear Straws. Then, Multicolored Straws. Then, Bucket of Straws. After that, Spoons. But now, the slurping sensation’s back and going right around the bend!
Storytime with Philip
The plaid Pied Piper of Pasadena has his bedtime books at the ready, and only you can create the clamorous clamors to break his smooth-talking spell and save local youth from a somnambulant state! Play the game inspired by the viral video!