Ask a Zombie: “You Gonna Be a Big Baby?” Edition


Hello,

How much chuck could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Sincerely,
Chromium

AhhahaHAhahahahaha! Trick question!

Woodchuck not eat meat. So answer to trick question is NONE! No chuck would woodchuck chuck for woodchuck not eat chuck. Unless you have developed some kind of hideous meat-eating woodchuck in a lab and are quietly and fiendishly introducing it into the wild. For that, Zombie hat is off to you. Also, that is totes terrifying. Do you call it a Chuckchuck? Will it eat a cow or will it only eat chuck from the supermarket? What about a guy named Chuck? Will Chuckchuck eat him? Zombie have questions for you now. These are those.

yrs,
Zombie

Ask a Zombie continues after these hansum zombies.


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Dear Zombie,

If you started a garden, what would happen? Would the Plants begin attacking you? Or would they attack the countless Hypnotized Football Zombies I send over? If you know, I can send you Puff-shrooms over, as they are free.

From,
James W.

Dear James,

If Zombie start a garden other zombies would hafta stage an intervention, for clearly Zombie on some horrible kind of self-destructive bender. How low you think Zombie would have to sink to give succor to dumb plants? Unless Zombie plant garden in bed of rocks and never water them and then taunt them out the window when they all “We is thirsty!” and Zombie stand there drinking big glass of water and not sharing it. And Zombie not even want it! That something that might happen if Zombie plant a garden. Not that Zombie would plant a garden. Zombie not crazy.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

My cat is depressed. The doctor thinks I should get another one. But I can’t in my apartment. I bought him pheromones and a cat TV program so he can watch it when I am away. What would you recommend to keep him happy so he stops being sad and whiny all the time?

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Dear Refinnej,

Did you also teach cat how to use the remote? Because if he not know which one is power button, you might have made his problems worse. If everything okay with the home electronics and he is being a good do-bee about taking his meds and that STILL not working… get him a dog. Serious. Get him a big dog what hates cats and he can spend a couple days in yer tiny apartment trying to get away from it and then pretty soon cat going to be all “I just happy to be alive!” and then you get rid of dog and then cat is all happy and never complain about nothing ever again. Maybe borrow the dog so you can give it back to whoever when you is done. Zombie not want to get all Bob Barker on you, but don’t just get a dog you ain’t gonna keep. Oh, I know. Give cat away and keep the dog. Dogs are kinda dumb and just gonna sleep all day until you get home and then get up and be all “Yay! Youse is home! Let us run and play and never speak of cat again!” This true of big dogs, not them little yappy kind. That kind going to do unspeakable things to your shoes when you not home. Don’t get that kind.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie

Why is it that when the Digger Zombie finishes digging, he turns around instead of going for the home owners brains? I understand that he’s clearing a path for the other zombies, but he’s right near the front entrance with no plant to stop him (except the split pea) and he could just end it all there.

Sincerely
Your Biggest Fan

Dear Biggie,

Being zombie is pretty tight union gig. Digger got a job to do. That job is to get behind plants and turn around. End of story. Digger Zombie spent years as apprentice Digger Zombie, just digging holes for other Zombies to go through. Now he finally have union card and you wants him to blow it just to satisfy yer idle curiosity? Zombie would never do job of other zombie.

yrs,
Zombie
BZTW, Local 67

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Dear Zombie,

I have a problem with focusing on things. How can I overcome that?

-Simon

Dear Simon,

Sorry, what?

HAR! Zombie just funning you. Is problem that you focus too much on junk or not enough? Because thems is different thingos. So since Simon not say enough, maybe Zombie answer both and hope it ain’t a third thing, for Zombie only got two answers.

If focusing too much on stuff is causing a problem, maybe it time for some new hobbies. Find some junk that it fun to focus on. Taxidermy, charcuterie, animal husbandry, mid-wifery… Whatever take your mind off whatever you focusing on that you do not want to be focusing on. Or you could try Zombie Mantra™ “There’s nothing you can do about it.”

If problem that Simon can’t focus on things, maybe you gots too many things. Zombie not in yer house (yet) so kind of having to guess here. Some peepul gonna be all “make a list” but then you gonna just have all stuff written down in one place and you not going to be able to figure out what thing to do first. So just write one thing down on piece of paper and tape piece of paper to front of hat then put hat on so piece of paper with one thing hangs down in front of your eyebones. Then just look at that one thing alla time. No hat? Tape it to your face. Problem solved.

Or maybe you just need new glasses.

Huh. Zombie had third thing after all…

yrs,
Zombie

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Help Zombie help you help Zombie help you.
No moral quandary too large. No kerfuffle too small.
Write to ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com


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