Ask a Zombie: “Whistle and Clap Hands” Edition


Dear Zombie,

I heard that babies can eat too many carrots and turn orange. Has this ever happened to you?

See ya!
Shingles

Dear Shingles,

Not ezackly, since Zombie not eat so much the carrots. Also Zombie not so much eat the babies neither so let us just get that straight right now and you can begin to stop the making of spurious accusations about what Zombie do and not do. Avec that out of the way, Zombie do seem to have a grayness of visage what suggest excessive consumption of the brain meats has made Zombie countenance correspondingly hued, but it probly gots more to do with lack of proper circulatory system. Not that eating brains alla time can be helping.

yrs,
Zombie


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Dear Zombie,

Can zombies eat computer brains? What about robot zombies? Can robot zombies eat computer brains?

Thanks,
Trina & Henry

Dear Youse Two,

Can zombies eat computer brains? No. What about robot zombies? So is Trina & Henry wanting to know if zombies eat robot zombies? Can zombies eat robot zombies? Is that the question? Because that am a weird question. Zombie having hard time believing it taked two of you to write it.

Wait. Hang on. Zombie Editor saying something.

What?

[inaudible]

No, Zombie am trying to…

[inaudible]

Oh.

So, can robot zombies eat computer brains? Sure. Why not? Who going to tell robot zombies what they can or cannot do? You? A laff is what that is.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

Do you drink Coke?

Ezra

P.S. What do you think of my name? I don’t like it. I wish I was called something else. :(

Dear Ezra,

Nope. Zombie gots enough of a jacked up tooth situation as it is.

yrs,
Zombie

P.S. Ezra am a fine name. You want you should be named Cecil or Fleance or Elmer? Floyd? Chauncey? Herbert? Melvin? Ivo? Oswald? Virgil? Willard? Myron? Junior? Columbus? Webster? Lafayette? Jewel? Ruth? Arsenio? Fidel? Hobart? Leggett? Meldon? Osric? Okay, maybe Osric kinda cool. Anyway, ain’t nothing wrong with name Ezra.
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Dear Zombie,

Why do you and your zombie friends carelessly put your graves in the middle of my yard? It’s very rude, you know. By the way, my name is Kaylynn, and I’m from Michigan. I know it’s not a very fancy place, but it’s where the first car in the world was made. Did you know that? And by the way, why don’t you and your zombie friends drive cars? It would get you to the door much quicker, and then you could get to the brains quicker.

Sincerely,
Kaylynn

Dear Kaylylnaylnynn,

Howsabout Zombie answer your question with question? Why you put your yard in middle of graves? Has you never seen that movie Poltergeist? Lessons are there to be learned. Not just the ones specific to the career of Craig T. Nelson. Anyway, Zombie not drive because Zombie am very concerned about carbon footprint. And maybe can’t remember where keys are.

Oh, and when you have a minute the ghost of Carl Benz wanna talk to you.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

As I contemplate the endless despair of the coming zombie apocalypse (right now it’s more of a nuisance), I hope that perhaps some poetry will unite the zombies and humans in goodwill for the future. I present a series of haiku regarding a zombie invasion:

The dirt-nested plant
Heroically braces for the
Ravenous zombies.

(Then there was a bunch of other stuff, but Zombie Editor think point was made.)

I realize this a long submission, but I was wondering if you believe the power of poetry can put a stop to our conflict.

Sincerely,
Zany David (like Crazy Dave, but zanier)

Listen Dude,

This not a conflict! Are you in conflict with that sandwich? Sandwich can protest if it wants to but it not going to stop sandwich from being eaten, is it? Sandwich can write all the poems it want if it help pass the time before sandwich is lunch. What Zombie getting at is that you are the sandwich in this analogy.

yrs,
Zombie

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Hi Zombie,

You’re cute! And so witty! Where’d you learn to be so funny?

-C.G.

Dear C.G.,

No, you may not borrow any money.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

Should I tell him how I feel about it knowing he doesn’t like me as much as I like him? Or should I just shut up and forever hold my peace, knowing he’ll grow old to be a dried prune not knowing we could have had something special? Pls give some love advice… Thanks!

allysa

Dear allysa,

Why you want to go out with a dried prune? Sounds like dried prune am doing you a favor by giving you the brush off. Later on, dried prune goins to be all shrively and saying, “Oh I shoulda listened to allysa and now I am lonely old prune and she found handsome casaba melon for which to spend her life on. Also I will never know why she spelt her name with the small a instead of the big A like a normal person. Woe am I! Woe! WOE!”

Zombie think you better pick up that hint before you trip over it.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

Did you come from zombie parents or did you become a zombie at some point during your life?

Signed,
Ironclad No

Dear Ironclad,

Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in sæcula sæculorum.

yrs,
Zombie

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Zombie is actually doing this for his health.
Don’t make Zombie sick. Ask him something.
ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com
Or is your life really so great?


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