Ask a Zombie: “What Songs Does a Swan Know?” Edition


Dear Zombie,

Are you friends with Kuhu? What kind of predictions does he have for your future? (Also, are you jealous that Kuhu has a cool moving profile picture and you don’t?)

-Surly

Dear Surly,

Zombie not like to drop names or whatev but Kuhu and Zombie are for reals pretty tight. Well, as tight as a Zombie can be with a enigmatic mystic with no fixed address. Also too as well, Zombie got the hookup from a Zombie Graphic Designer what Zombie know and now you feast your crooked eyes on new Zombie icon!

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

Two of my friends are getting married but they make a terrible couple. I don’t want to ruin our friendship by saying anything. What would you do?

Sincerely,
Old Fashioned

Dear OF,

So many possibilities. So. Many. Many…

Sounds like this thing gonna blow up no matter what. You has to decide where you wanna be when it does. Yes, Zombie making friendses’s marriage about you. You’re welcome. You could say nothing and hide behind something sturdy for a while. You could say something to them privately but that might be like throwing a lit match into a room with a gas leak. Or you could wait until the wedding day and make a big scene at the ceremony and shout and stomp your feet in protest and errybody going to think you are out of your mind until years later when it blows up and you can wag your finger from underneath whatever bridge you will be living and shriek “I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOOOOOOU!” and spin like a dervish until the police come to see if everything is all right. Don’t forget, Pyrrhic victories are still victories. Here is the thing that is a thing, though. Peeps going to do what they want and nothing you or anybody else can do to make them not do. So you could shut your face run away once the fuse is lit, or you could open your face and come off looking like a busy-body or a crazy person or a crazy body busy person… or something. Zombie think you should just grab a drink and watch the show.

Oh, and not spend too much money on a gift.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

How come you don’t walk on dirt? I had one row of grass with plants and dirt with no defence, but you chose the grass.

Sincerely,
Smileyface

Dear Face,

Why you so judgie? Mabey some things more important than convenience. Maybe Zombie give a care about Zombie appearance and not want to get shoes all mucked up with yer stupid yard dirt. Mabey Zombie gots a bum knee and walking on grass more comfy. Did youse ever think of that? Did you? No, you did not. Why? Because you not respekt Zombie. You think Zombie just big ol’ dumb-dumb what can’t dance or have interesting idears. You am like “Oh all zombies are just one way and that way is unsmart and I are such a smarty-pants beacuase I know how zombies are.” Well Zombie here to give you dose of zombie realness. Each zombie is precious snowflake. Only unsavvy think all zombies are one zombie but if you took the time to get close you would see. Oh yes, you would see. So get close. Reeeeal close. Zombie dare you.

Also, Zombie not walk on dirt because Zombie gots a hole in shoe and not want to get rocks all up in there. Thank you for asking.

yrs,
Zombie

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亲爱的僵尸先生:
你好!
这是一封来自中国的信。
希望你能看懂中文……
我们这边都放暑假了,你有没有打算来这里度个假啥的?还有你们僵尸平时都干点啥啊?

2013.7.26

亲爱的H。

要有耐心,朋友。我在中国,所以很多你将要花一段时间才能给你。僵尸会得到你,虽然,所以你不要担心。你刚才去了解您的业务,你知道它之前…僵尸天!也许是暑假期间,说不定什么时候你在工作,也许当你回到床上去浴室半夜。展望表达对你的脸。

岁,
僵尸

附:你刚才叫僵尸吸血鬼?伙计…

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Dear Zombie,

There is a constant supply of goldfish crackers at my work. I’m now addicted to them. How do I stop?

Regards
Cracker Baby

Dear Cracker,

How that song go? “Fish gots to swim, bird gots to fly, I gots to love one man ’til I die. Can’t help, lovin’ that man of mine.” Oh, that not have anything to do with anything, Zombie just love some “Show Boat.”

Let Zombie answer question with a question. Does Cracker Baby want to quit the goldfish? If you really want to quit, best way is to fill a bowl with gravel and say “Oh boy! Goldfish!” and then shove a fistful of gravel into your mouth. Then chew until you can’t take it anymore. Sooner or later brain going to say “Mouth hates these things. They taste like dirt and rocks and teeth.” Problem solved. Otherwise just eat the heck out of them things. You not want last thought on this earth to be “Shoulda had more goldfish!”

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

Since you have undoubtedly been eating quite a lot of ruffage and vegie-tables, what with lawn fortifications being what they are, have you considered becoming a vegan or a vegetarian? What is it like to have your identity symbolically destroyed by the forced consumption of plant matter?

Thanks,
Öreg Año

Dear Clever Pseudonym,

What you see as symbomological destruction of Zombie identity, Zombie see as doing what needs to be done. Plant lovers all like, “Hardy-har-har, Zombie have to eat plants!” but you know what? When Zombie done, no more plants! So who is the laughing one now? Is it you? Is it? No, it is Zombie. That is who it is who is the one who is the laughing one. See Zombie laugh? Zombie laughing at undergraduate semiotics! Zombie not even sure he using “semiotics” correctly! But do Zombie care? No! Zombie too busy laughing! Laugh, Zombie! Laugh!

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

Do you believe in horoscopes? God? The Tooth Fairy? Leasing a car? (ok, that was more like 4 questions in 1)

Signed,
Curious Black

Dear Curious,

Zombie say whatever get you through the day while you waiting for Zombie to arrive and eat your brain is a-ok. You want to heed the advice of a faceless freelance writer who would rather be working in greeting card bizness? Go for it. You want a higher power that is vengeful or forgiving or Norse or Sun or whatever? Not Zombie concern. You want to tell your children to be excited about total stranger who sneak into house at night and can get close enough to put her hands under your pillow without waking you up? Zombie not here to judge you. Except for if you leasing a car. Why would you want a car payment for the rest of your life? Why you want to spend every day hoping you not get a dent? It like paying to drive your dad’s car around alla time. No thanks! Unless you gots more money than things to blow it on. Cuz some jerk is gonna sooner or later open his door into your car or get too close and take your mirror off and then bye-bye damage deposit.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

do you like soccer? if you do like soccer do you play zombie soccer with dr. zomboss?

from,
Julio

Hello Julio,

Zombie played soccer once. Once. Kicked ball and foot went with it. Not sure why soccer so popular. Once you see what happens to zombie what try a header, you cannot ever unsee.

yrs,
Zombie

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Hey Zombie,

How exitad are you about your revinge in plants vz zombies 2?

Teague

Dear Teague,

Zombie am wikkid exitad! But it not revinge. Revinge imply that Zombie lost last time. Zombie did not lose. Zombie still here! So it not revinge so much as more of Zombie sticking it to plants and living to tell about it. That purty exitang. Plantz may say different, but what plant has own advice column? No plant. That is which plant.

yrs,
Zombie

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Zombie has a question for you.
Why have you not written to him?
Do it now! ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com


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