Ask a Zombie: “You’re Soaking In It” Edition


Dear Zombie,

I’ve heard that vampires sleep in coffins. Do Zombies sleep anywhere cool?

Sincerely,
Percy

Dear Percy,

Zombie have a race-car bed. That is all you need to know.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

I put my name on my food in the fridge at work, but someone is eating it. How can I make sure it doesn’t happen again?

Regards,
B. Chicken

Dear Chicken,

Well, you could put it in the fridge with somebody else’s name on it and then it kind of be like some jerk eating some other person’s food and not yours. Or you could lick it before you put it in the fridge and even though some jerk gonna eat it, you will maybe get some satisfaction out of knowing that you put your germs all over it first. Or you could make it an experiment and start putting junk that is junk and not food in there with your name on it just to see what some jerk is willing to steal and eat. Unless you know somebody who works in a bank and can get you one of them exploding paint cans that turn everything blue and stick that in your food and then find the blue jerk and say “Hey Jerk! Yeah, you! Blue jerk! Stop stealing my food!”, Zombie think you just going to have to make the most of this jerk.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

Do you age? Celebrate birthdays? Eat cake and blow out candles?

-Diesel

Dear D-Cell,

Zombie appreciate your backhanded compliment. Let just say that Zombie defies age and leave it there. Shall we? Yes, let’s shall. Zombie not celebrate Zombie birthday (cuz Zombie not know when it is) but Zombie do like a good birfday party because lots of people all get together in one small space and, well you ever seen on of them nature shows where a lion picks off the slowest water buffalo from the watering hole? It like that. And, yes, one time Zombie did eat a cake and blow out candles. Cleared out sinuses pretty good but not feel so great. Now Zombie take candles off cake first and it not happen again.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

I have trouble with falling asleep during movies, even in the movie theater. Any tips on how to stay awake?

Yours,
WC

Dear WC,

Pick movies that are less boring? Stop going to movies that are nine hours of the tide going in and out and only go to things with lot of toilet jokes and explosions (bonus: exploding toilets). Or: turn your phone ringer way up high and then ask all your friends to call you during the exact time you will be in the movie. Then take those calls. All of them. And talk in really loud voice. Like friend is in room but really far away. Maybe stand up and walk around. Stretch your legs. Switch seats a bunch. It dark in there so maybe carry flashlight so you can see where you going. Or put sand in your underpants so you itchy the whole time. Nobody can sleep when they is itchy. Be sure to announce more than once, “Man, I am so itchy!” Drink a whole bunch of water before movie starts but don’t go to the bathroom. Complain loudly how bad you has to go to bathroom. Don’t go. Bring friend to movie who is ungood at listening so you have to pay attention to movie so when friend goes “What just happened?” evry five minutes you can answer. Pretend you can’t hear them and say “WHAT?” really loud whenever they aks you something. Anyway, give any of these a whirl. Let Zombie know how it turn out.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

Has this column made you so famous that you have to wear dark sunglasses and hats in public?

Yours,
Hot Pocket

Dear HP,

Funny thing about Zombie fame is that peepul still scream and run away when they sees me. So some of the time Zombie has to wear hat and glasses but not so peepul stay away, but so dummies stay put long enough for Zombie to get to them. Zombie is friend to all so not sure why all the running and screaming and staying away from. Zombie just want to give out automagraphs and hugz. Maybe have some tea… aks you how yer day was… Y’know, really get to know you. Zombie gots a lot to offer if stupids just give Zombie chance. Zombie not just want to eat your brain… wait, y’know what? Forget it. Zombie just want to eat yer brain. Strap on your skates, kids. It about to get real.

yrs,
Zombie

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Zombie has something to tell you. You just don’t know it yet.
Write to ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com and all your problems will be solved.
All of them. You heard me.


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