Ask a Zombie: “And Spit Out Your Bones” Edition


Dear Zombie,

Do you play the lottery? Assuming you did, if you won 100 million-billion-trillion-zillion dollars would you still go out and get your own brains or would you hire someone to get your brains?

What else would you do with the money? I might recommend that you hire someone to teach you how to spell check.

Ray

Hi Ray,

Zombie recommend you shut your face. Here what Zombie would do with a hunnertmillionbillionwhateverillion bollars. First, Zombie go to bank and cash the check. Then Zombie buy a dump truck. Then Zombie put all the cash in the dump truck and drive past Ray’s house all day honking the horn and shouting, “Hey Ray! Look at all the moneys what Zombie gots!” Zombie not spend any of it. Just drive around the block all day honking the horn. Then around dinner time, Zombie park that dump truck full of money in your driveway and light it on fire. Then just stand there… watchin’ it burn.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

I have spent the last few weeks trying to impress a pretty girl I know; we talk frequently and we have had several lunch dates and activities together but the friendship does not feel like it will ever become romantic despite her knowing my feelings; So my question is: What would a romantic like you do if you were faced with my circumstances?

Sincerely,
Felijandro

Dear Felijandro,

Two words, brother: cut bait.

yrs,
Zombie

P.S. Zombie Editor suggest this answer too curt. Zombie say, No it to Felijandro. Zombie Editor say, No it kind of short, maybe expand it a little? And Zombie say, okay Felijandro, if you want to loll about drinking absinthe and being a big moonface for girl what know you like her but what not like you back then go for it. But you might as well throw rock into air and ask gravity to make it float. Zombie sure she is perfekly nice girl but if she not picking up what you putting down, maybe it time to do a different thing than the thing you am doing.
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Dear Zombie,

Why haven’t we brought back Andrew Dice Clay yet?

Your friend,
Wondering in the World

Dear Wondie,

The Dice Man never left. It was you what turned your back on him. Search your soul. You know it to be true. Repent.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

I want to go to the military so I can defend myself against the soon-to-be-legit zombie apocalypse. What faction in the military would you recommend, and why? Also, what is the best weapon against the zombies?

Sincerely,
Matt

Dearest Matthew,

Never you go to the movies? Military is all “this is how we gonna do it and you all going to have to listen to me and blah blah blah I have a helmet on” and then that way never work (hubris: look it up) and it up to some scrappy band of misfits and vigilantes (misilantes? vigifits?) to save uptight military guys bacon (proverbial bacon, because nobody going to watch a whole movie about bacon) and then they all drive away in their bunch of crummy cars while military guy standing on his tank boiling with rage and begrudging respect then some song nobody likes plays over the closing credits. So, in short, most movies are pretty stupid.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

My wife is finishing grad school next year. What is the best gift I can give her in your humble opinion?

AJ

Dear AJ,

Zombie not have “humble” opinions, so do not try to paint Zombie into that corner. What to get for wife depends lots on the thing wife is getting graduate degree for. Maybe you oughta get her an oxford shirt and an undeservedly superior attitude. Or a ice-cream scoop and a paper hat. An autoclave? A party dress? A chasible? Box knife and a generic adhesive strips so nobody get a cease-and-desist for saying Band Aid? Zombie going to need some more details. Details what AJ should have because she your wife, man, not Zombie wife. Maybe just give her a sack of money to pay off student loans? And never tell her about this conversation.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

I noticed you have experienced some hair loss. Have you ever considered a hair transplant or wearing a toupée?

Ike

Dear Ike,

And how!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

yrs,
Zombie
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Looking for something to do on these long, lazy summer days?
Zombie has a fun idea!
Write to him and ask him junk. You’re just sitting in that hammock doing nothing anyway.
Put down the lemonade and get to it: ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com


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