Ask a Zombie: “Friends Like These” Edition


Dear Zombie:

Every year, my company does a summer picnic and wants me to do stupid stuff like play softball with aggressive people. I’m a klutz and will make a fool out of myself, but I’m afraid if I don’t do it, I won’t be seen as a “team player.” What should I do?

Possibly Rachael

Dear PR,

Zombie figure a coupla ways this could go. Quietly agree to play then play really, really (really) bad. Miss routine plays, strike out looking, throw ball to wrong base, real Houston Astros stuff. After one or two innings, team say, “Hey, Possibly Rachael. Why not you go take a seat and let somebody else have a chance.” Then you go back under tree and drink lemonade or whatevs. Or you could get all aggro and demand to bat leadoff, then lean into the first pitch and go after the pitcher with the bat in your hand. Errybody be all scared and tell you to go take five until you cool down and then you go back under tree and drink lemonade or whatevs. Either way, you drinking lemonade and nobody going to aks you to play softball anymore. Note: second approach might also result in people doing what you ask them to do around the office the next Monday. Plan accordingly.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

How do you feel about the movie Warm Bodies? Do you think it’s possible for zombies to reanimate after they’ve been dead already? Have you ever been in love? And if you could come back to life, what do you think you would do?

V/R,
Aliera

D/R Aliera,

Zombie not been to the movies in forever so not sure what that movie is. Warm bodies in general are pretty good (usually a brain inside) so mabey it okay. As for rest of fakakta questions, let Zombie see. Zombie already pretty animate, so is you asking if Zombie can re-re-animate if Zombie go the way of all flesh? Sure? Zombie not so good with the metaphysics sometimes, buy why not? You have better answer? Also, affairs of Zombie heart are pretty private. Zombie not totes sure Zombie even have a heart, but whether or not Zombie ever beed in love is not a answer you goings to get. Zombie gots to keep some secrets. And going back to early part of this, Zombie already come back to life and is doing the thing what Zombie want to do. So… yay for Zombie.

yrs,
Zombie
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Hey Zombie,

Is it true that if you pick up a koala bear, it will die?

Anastasia

Oh Anastasia,

What is wrong with you? How that even a thing what a person would think? Zombie not a zoog zoglo animal-taker-carer-of but even Zombie pretty sure that koala (which is marsupial not bear, bee tee dubs) strong enough to take you. How hard you planning to hold koala? Maybe if you big strong guy and you hug the koala like Lenny from Of Mice and Men (What? Zombie read a book sometimes.) koala not gonna make it but if you squeeze too tight koala probably going to bite your face and then let us see who is the tough guy, Anasatasia. You gonna be the tough guy with koala teeth in your face? Huh? You? Tough guy? You? Huh?

Oh, wait, did you mean like figuratively die? Like koala see you coming and say to koala friend, “Oh if she picks me up I will just die!” Yeah, maybe that could happen. You should be less unclear with your questions.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

My mom says I have to read 3 books over the summer in order to grow my brain power. Can’t I just tell her I’m protecting my brain from Zombies by NOT reading?

Uli G.

Dear Ugli,

You could tell yer mom that but do you want to be a lying liar what lies? Unexercised brain turn all fat and squishy and delishus. Brain what works real hard turn all leathery and hard like baseball glove or jerky or Iggy Pop. Zombie still gonna eat it, but it just kind of chewy.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

A friend borrowed some shoes and returned them to me in my mailbox. When I went to get them, there was only 1 shoe. What should I do?

Toast Mum

Dear Toasty,

Mabey loan stupid friend another pair of shoes, then when you go to mailbox and only find one of those, put it together with other one shoe and BLAMMO! New pair of shoes. Or dress up like a one-shoed ghost and limp around friend’s house late at night moaning, “Where is my other shoooooooe? WHERE IS MY OTHER SHOOOOOoooooOOOOOOoooOOOOe?” until friend freaks out and confesses. Or ask friend if you can borrow one of something and then return two of them. Probly not cost-effective and also kinda passive-aggressive but it making Zombie laugh to think about and Zombie sometimes need a good laugh. Do not you judge Zombie.

yrs,
Zombie

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Do you have a question for Zombie?
Do you have a question for somebody else and they aren’t getting back to you?
Do you have a “friend” who thinks they’re so smart and you’d like Zombie to tell them a thing or two about a thing or two?
All things are possible when you write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com
Nothing happens without you. Well, in this context.
Lots of stuff happens without you. Stop being such an egomaniac.


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