Ask a Zombie: “500th Post” Edition


Dear Zombie,

I’ve heard that every 7 – 10 years people need to reevaluate their life. I am feeling the itch to make a change and think I may be heading into a mid-life crisis. Do zombies go through the same thing? Any advice?

With life changing anticipation,
Ida T. Cleo Hansup-Yon

Dear Ida,

In the region where the roses always bloom, breathing out upon the air their sweet perfume, lives a – no, wait… them the words to a song with “Ida” in it. Let Zombie start over.

Dear Ida,

You know what Dale Carnegie say, “Are you bored with life? Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with all your heart, live for it, die for it, and you will find happiness that you had thought could never be yours.” But you know where Dale Carnegie is now? That’s right. Mexico. So don’t listen to anything that guy says. He was just trying to find a way to go on vacation all the time.

Zombie not really have time for navel-gazing (partly because most of navel is missing) but not want to dish dips belittle what Ida is feeling. If you think mabey you needs to quit yer job at the Tas-T-Freez or whatever and go across town to Wond-R-Freez, then maybe today is the day. Peepul always going to want ice cream and maybe it your mission in life to give it to ‘em. Do whatever, Ida. It not going to matter once zombies come to town anyway. Only person Ida need to pleez is Ida. And maybe anybody what you owe money to. They going to want to know you still bringing it in.

Don’t sweat the “mid-life crisis” part, though. It only a “mid-life” crisis if you know for sure that you going to live the exact same amount of time that you already lived up to now. It probly way too late.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

Just curious, are you a cat fan or a dog fan?
I personally think cats are better, and assume you share this belief.
Cats are always plotting to take over the world, much like how you plot to take over our yards.

Hugz and meowz,
Crazy Cat Lady

What up CC?

Here the thing about cats. They talk a good game, but when it come down to their “plan” for taking over the world they got nothing! NOTHING! How they going to dominate the globe when they too busy chasing dust and eating houseplants and drinking out of the bathtub and looking for a warm place to lie down, then a cool place, then a warm place and then they bite you when you try to move. Unless they just want to confuse errybody into handing over the keys, then they just going to sit there not knowing how to work a can opener and blaming evrybody else for it.

Dogs am no bargain either. But, they akchully way more cleverer than cats. Zombie figure some cat peepul punch their computer just now and walk away in disgust, but for the rest of youse, hear Zombie out. Dogs act like they all dumb and have no idea how long you been gone and greet you in same way if you been gone for a week or if you just went to the bathroom for four minutes. Then humans go all squee what a good doggie and dish out the belly rubs and take dogs outside and come back in house for treats and dog is all like “sucker.”

Cats fatal errer is acting like they am superior. Dogs not get all hung up on ego and it totes making humanz do their bidding. If Zombie gonna have a pet, Zombie probly get something like… oh, Zombie not know… something like a zebra. Zebra never aks you for nothing.

Zebras for all!

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

I think my neighbour’s a zombie. She smells and looks like she was already dead for years, she moves very slowly, and everytime I meet her, she looks at my head in a sort of hungry way. So the question is, how can I find out for sure whether she’s a real zombie or just pretending to be one? … And how can I do it without having my brain eaten?

Yours,
Annifrid

Dear Winifred,

Maybe your neighbo(u)r just having a really bad day? Or maybe she is crazy cat lady from question before this one? If she not already come over and eat your brain, then she probly not am a zombie. Go over to her house with some butter brickle and if she invite you in, she probly just nice lady who could use a visit. If you get inside and she eat your brain, then that is awesome and Zombie going to totally have to try that move. Good job, neighbo(u)r lady! High five!

yrs,
Zombie

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Zombie,

PvZ2 hasn’t came out yet, and I’m about to scream until I stop breathing!

What shall I do?

Signed,
FreeOwn

Dear FreeO,

Make sure you have soft place to land. Zombie cannot be responsible for dumb stuff you do.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

Do you ever get cold when you’re constantly attacking my house, scouring for the brains of my family? It’s just that I have a few extra sweaters in case you or your friends want some of them.

Your dear neighbor,
Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Dude, way to use the appearance of generosity to totes insult your family. If they not pick up on that, maybe Zombie just give your house a miss. Might be waste of time. But, Zombie do like a good sweater so… what to do, what to do? You still live under that cell phone tower? Zombie be over Thursday night. But only if you gots cardigans. Zombie love a good cardigan.

yrs,
Zombie

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Write to ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com.
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Zombie can’t do everything for you.

 


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