Ask a Zombie: “I Just Work Here” Edition

Dear Zombie-

Who wins in an underwater knife fight, you or a bear?


Jim Bowie

Dear Jimbo,

Is this some secret plan to get Zombie to talk about your amazing collection of knives? Because Zombie not falling for your gorilla marketing. Why you send gorillas to do your dirty work anyway? And how comes it you not ever use one of them fancy knives to trim those ridicleous sideburns? Don’t tell Zombie it was the style at the time. It never in style to look like a bridge troll. Just look at yourself. LOOK AT YOURSELF!

Okay, sorry, Zombie go’d a skosh off-topic. But seriously, you go out of the house looking like that? Zombie not dress like that to take out the trash. And Zombie not even wearing pants! So, come on dude, shape up.

Okays, one more try. Shake it out, Zombie, shake it out. huh-huh… huh-huh…fffffff huh-huh… fffffff huh-huh…. huh-hummmm-uh… huh hummmm-uh …

Look, lots of weird junk gots to line up to find Zombie and a bear in the water at the same time. It not like Zombie going in there looking for salmon or whatever. Is it relevant to this scenario to understand how Zombie and Bear ended up in water AND holding knives? That going to make Zombie head hurt. Is it fresh water or salt water? River or lake? What is a underwater knife? Zombie need details. But, if Zombie just gonna answer the question as presented, Zombie going to say Zombie win because bear can’t hold a knife. You wanna argue about it? Go to.



Dear Zombie,

I just read a news article that early humans loved to eat antelope brains. Specifically, the article mentions finding dents inside animal skulls indicate humans “dug in with stones to get at the delicious, juicy brains inside.” Scientists also believe that “nutrient-rich brain tissue may have helped Homo erectus support larger bodies, bigger brains, and travel longer distances.”

I’m stunned by this news and the questions are (almost) endless:
• Did you know about this?
• Do antelope brains taste different than human brains? In what ways?
• Will eating brains really give me a bigger brain? Will this increase my IQ?
• Will eating brains make me taller and run farther?
• Can I get animal skulls with brains from the grocery or do I need to go to a specialty butcher?
• What tools work best for digging brains out of animal skulls? Stones seem kinda primitive.
• How juicy are brains? Like a ripe mango? More like watermelon?
• Are brains more nutrient rich than apples or kale?
• I’ve seen dried apple and kale snacks, do you think a dried brain snack would catch on? Would it still be good, even though the brains are no longer juicy?


Hey Rob,

Let Zombie answer your questions in order what they were received.

• Nope, but Zombie like the idea.
• Zombie not able to catch a antemelope and attempts at making crude projectiles to fell the beast from afar have, to this point, failed. But if Zombie have to guess (and Zombie do have to guess) Zombie would say antepalope brains probably taste more like nuts.
• FALLACY! Eating brains actually give you bigger butt so you can sit around cogitating (look it up). However brain size and IQ are unrelated. It not the size, it what you do with it. You could have biggest brain in world but if all you fill it with are episodes of “Baywatch Nights” (how that show not catch on?) and Larry the Cable Guy routines (which fill Zombie with blind and righteous anger) your skull going to be receptacle for big mound of pudding.
• Nope. Only thing to make you taller and run farther is to be tall and don’t stop running. Sorry to burst your bubble on that one.
• What am zombie? Home shopper? Maybe you could try the tall running thing by standing up and running to the store to ask the guy yourself. Sheesh. Zombie help thems what help themselves.
• Zombie prefer using hands for brain extraction, but errybody gotta find their own thing. Stones seem to work pretty good so maybe you give them a shot before you pooh-pooh them (yes, that’s right). You not always have to have latest technology to do simple tasks, Rob. Why you gotta be so difficult?
• Brains are juicy like wet mop. Smell kinda like wet mop too. Which is to say, deelishuz!
• Zombie not really pay much attention to nutrition. Zombie just lucky to have body what Zombie have. Do not really need to worry about all that other junk. Zombie just eat whatever Zombie want. Which are brains. Apples are things to kick or step on and Zombie not even accept that kale is a thing so do not bring that nonsense here.
• What horrible kind of place you shop in that sell apple and kale (which is not a thing) as snacks? While Zombie all for idea of sucking the life essence out of plants and hanging their dessicated remains on hooks for all to see, Zombie not know why anybody would want to eat it.

That all Zombie got. Hope it helps (but only a little).


Dear Zombie-

What is your favorite zombie movie? Zombie play? Zombie style of dance? Zombie sport? Zombie dinosaur?

Very curious about zombies-


Dear William,

Favorite zombie movie: Gran Torino. Clint Eastwood greatest living zombie actor! Look at that face!
Favorite zombie play: Hamlet. Little known fact, Hamlet’s father not a ghost. Actually a zombie. Bad transcription and lost pronunciations to blame. Also, Hamlet 2: Ophelia’s Revenge is really good but Shakespearean “scholars” too snooty to admit it into the canon. You got a problem? Call Charles Onions. (You can’t, though, because he died 40 years ago. Zombie just like saying “Charles Onions.”)
Favorite style of dance: Waltz. Zombie can’t count very high so waltz is perfect.
Favorite Zombie sport: It hard when avocation becomes vocation, but Zombie have to say hunting. For brains. That, or Frisbee golf.
Favorite Zombie dinosaur: Is that favorite dinosaur what is also a zombie? Or dinosaur that is favorite of Zombie? Either way, T-Rex. Evrybody make fun of them little arms but while they all pointing and laughing, T-Rex gobble ‘em up like peanuts. Why people so un-smart?



Zombie bet lots of you have a question. Let Zombie answer it now:
Decision-making power not rest with Zombie. Ask something else.
As for the rest of you, write now or suffer never knowing how your life would be improved.
Find Zombie here:

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