Ask a Zombie: “And That Rhymes with P” Edition


Dear Zombie,

Why do you eat the plants? They are cute.

Jamie

Dear Jamie,

Zombie eat plants because plants insist on getting in the way. Zombie not want to eat plants but Zombie is faced with a choice and has to make choice that is good for Zombie. So now Zombie have question for you. Why you eat cute things? Zombie assume you eat plants. Do you only eat ugly plants? Who is to say which plant is ugly? Somebody must think Brussels sprouts are adorbs. Is Jamie arbiter of plant comeliness? Does Jamie only eat meat? Is not meat cute before it is meat? Does Jamie know what Jamie is doing to insides by only eating meat? You has a lot to answer for Jamie. Don’t come at Zombie all demanding answers. Zombie not on trial here.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

I’m looking to change jobs soon, and I was wondering: would zombie be a good career choice? What is your average work week? How good are your benefits? Is part-time work available?

Many thanks.
-Kendrick

Dear -Kendrick,

If -Kendrick not mind being on the move a lot, zombie is pretty good gig. Zombie is Zombie own boss. Zombie work when Zombie wanna work. Zombie get to wear this smart tie alla time. Not have time for a lotta relashunships but Zombie got used to that since errybody mostly just run and scream when Zombie come up driveway. Pay is mostly just whatever deelishuz brains you can find, but Zombie not got a lotta needs so it works out pretty good. Zombie gonna come over and sign you up eventually anyway so why waste any more time? How is next Friday for you?

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

I’ve got to write a 3000 word essay about Zombies in pop culture for University. Have you got any ideas for points I could make or any advice for me?

Sincerely,
Quinn (20½ years old)

Dear Quinn,

Zombie love eggheads! So yummy… Anyway, Zombie recommend starting with strong opening paragraph about influence of zombies across multiple genres. Include snooty references to comic books but call them ‘graphic fiction’, promise to compare the combined influences of George and Cesar Romero, and make sure to use a lotta words like “dichotomy” and “paradigm”. Then rewrite opening paragraph and use it to explain all the great stuff you just did in the essay. Stick that on the last page. Then, and this is the important part, go photocopy a bunch of pages out of some book at the liberry and shove them all in between the two paragraphs. Dirty secret of college – oh, excuse me “University” – is that you do all that work and nobody pay attention. Adjunk professor too busy to read 3,000 words and tenured professor is having drinks with the department chair and is just going to make TA grade your paper. Buy TA dinner and tell him your essay is subversive act designed to point out inequalities in University system. Instant A.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

if a zombie bites a human he becomes a zombie but what if a vampire bites a zombie and then the zombie bites human? does he become a zombie or a vampire….. or a zom-pire?

Sincerely,

Cameron

Dear Cameron,

If a vampire bites a zombie the vampire gets a rap in the snotlocker. Then the zombie bites the human and all is right in the world. Vampires know better by now.

yrs,
Zombie
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Confidential to “Madison”

Chaucer! Rabelais! Balzac!

yrs,
Zombie
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Zombie is on vacation. But he’ll be back before you know it and he’ll want more questions to answer. If he doesn’t have more questions to answer he’s going to pout for days. Please don’t make us have to deal with a sad Zombie. Nothing is sadder than a sad Zombie.
Write to: ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.


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