Ask a Zombie: “With All the Frills Upon It” Edition

Dear Zombie,

I want to know how are you alive because you are dead and you live off of brains? I am sorry to tell you but you are jacked up and do not write a “smart” response cause you are supposed to have a brain to make SMART comment right?

???? (you will never find out who i am cause u stupid)ha ha

Dear Zoe,

You know how when you make a email address and you has to put your name in there? Yeah, Zombie can totally see that. Do you own that glass house or just rent?



Dear Zombie,

Do you have meeting before you attack house, or do you barge right in?


Dear John,

Zombie not have time for Robert’s Rules of Order, if that what you mean. Zombie not trying to be rude but when there is job to be done, Zombie not have time to get all hung up on yur bourgeois notions of politeness. Zombies understand the mission: get in, get brains, get out. Somebody try to get you to jump through a lotta hoops just some guy trying to hide the fact that he not have enough to do at work. Don’t waste a lotta time on that guy.


Dear Zombie,

I have got 8 questions to you at once.

The first is: Why are you communicating with us using notes? Can’t send some kind of a diplomatic Zombie?
The second is: What’s all the grammatical mistakes for?
The third is: There are so many kinds of Zombies. For what?
The fourth is: How do you get all those Yeti Zombies?
The 5th is: How did it happened that firstly you try to eat our brains, and then you say that the only thing you need is to make a music video, and then this pattern loops?
The 6th is: As I understand, you eat our brains. We then become Zombies. We eat other brains. AND, what happens when all of us are Zombies, and there are no brains left?
The 7th is: How to protect my brains from you?
And the final question is: I assume you have a little amount of brains left. DID IT EXPLODED AFTER READING AND ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS?

Sincerely yours,

Dear Danya,

Pardon if Zombie answer thems one at a time.

1. Zombie not have time for diplomacy. Especially since in Zombie experience, peepul “diplomacy” usually take form of running and screaming and trying to hit Zombie with a brick.
2. Tee hee. Zombie see what you did there.
3. Zombie also not have time for your philomosophical conundra. Every snowflake is unique and precious, etc.
4. They just showed up one day so we figured, why not let ‘em stay? Besides, nobody brave enuf to aks them to leave.
5. From the day we arrive on the planet and, blinking, step into the sun, there’s more to see than can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done. There’s far too much to take in here. More to find than can ever be found. But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky keeps great and small on the endless round. It’s the circle of life and it moves us all through despair and hope, through faith and love ’til we find our place on the path unwinding in the circle… the circle of life.
6. That will never happen so Zombie not going to worry about it. Also, global warming is a myth and the moon landing was faked.
7. This one is conflict of Zombie interest. So Zombie just going to say “you cannot.” See you soon.
8. Hang on, Zombie will check (hmm hmm hmm doody doody doo…). Nope. Zombie all good.


Hey Zombie,

My cubicle neighbor reads your Blog daily. He loves it. Here’s the thing; he has bad gas and those of us who sit around him are his daily victims. I know he will read this so please help with any advice for his bad flatulence.

Thanks in advance,
Big fan of Plants vs. Zombies

Dear Biggie,

You gonna be a big baby? Why you gotta rain on this cat’s parade? Maybe problem is your attitude. Why not find out what he eats for lunch and join the party ‘stead of being all judgy? Why he gotta bend to your will? Zombie say load up on whatever neighbor guy is putting in his body and go to town! Sure Zombie not have a lotta olfactory receptors left so Zombie not share your problem exackly but, jeezy creezy, live a little.


Dear Zombies,

We at Zombie Airplane Insurance give you guys one last offer. If you consider insuring yourselves, then we will give you 13 brains a day for free!!!

Please kindly oblige.


The ZAI Guys

PS. contact us at zombieairplaneinsurance@spammer’ We won’t spam you.

Dear Lying Liars,

Zombie not really have anything to say except that it nice to know somebody reading Zombie column all the way to the end.


Questions? Problems? Not sure what to have for lunch?
Zombie answers all questions. Okay, maybe most questions.
Seriously, if you can’t figure out your own lunch maybe your problems start deeper than we first thought.
Anyway, take a chance. Zombie just wants to help.

To report an offensive post, hover over the upper right hand area of the comment and click the 'x' that appears.