Ask a Zombie: “Clankum and Bankum” Edition


Zombie,

Why do you keep coming onto my lawn and trying to eat my brains? Stay off my lawn! Not only this, you keep getting sploded by my taters. Why you no learn? You figure with all these brains you get you’d use new brain and replace old brain!

PS: I tried letting you in last time for a game of checkers but you only ate my brains again.

PPS: I don’t know how I get my brain back after you eat it or if it’s even mine anymore. Maybe I’m part Zombie.

Lightesword

Dear Larper,

Why do the sun shine? Why do that dog always chase the car? Why you put two PS in your letter? Why you put them before your name? Why you not study your Emily Post? Why you need a PS in an email anyway? Why you think Zombie collecting brains to use in Zombie head and not for to put in Zombie stomach? Why you think you can beat Zombie at checkers? Why you think you are Zombie? You think a Zombie not know how to write a proper letter? Are you trying to offend Zombie? Why are you not answering Zombie?

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

I have a zombie best friend that is like so slow and always left behind me in every way except during lunch time. We are in the same class and always together because we are best friends. What should I say to this zombie friend of mine so she can be faster and I won’t need to worry about her not getting the brains quickly like I do?

Thank you and I wish you a brainful day.

‘Urhhhhh’ from Switzerland,
The Fast Cute Zombie

OMZ!

Like, okay, like, okay, wait… Okay. Zombie is trying to remember that saying… “Early worm get eaten by bird” or something. On one hand it kind of nice that you thinking of friend like that but on different part of hand (sorry, Zombie can’t find other hand today) if your zombie friend not so quick maybe that is not a problem for you. Zombie not want to get all objectivist on you but you maybe not reps risp on the hook for friend’s happiness. Let friend get her own brains. Maybe if she too slow and not get to brainz then next time she will be faster.

Urhhhhh yourself.

yrs,
Zombie
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Hey Zombie,

I’m wondering what I can do to stop these constant headaches I’m having. Do you know how to stop it?

Signed,
Not signed

Dear Whoever,

Maybe your hat is too tight? Zombie not know. You are not giving Zombie a lot to go on here. Best remedy that Zombie know for headache is to take off your shoes and then kick the coffee table really hard by accident. Then headache probly not going to bug you so much anymore.

yrs,
Zombie

P.S. Zombie lawyer said Zombie cannot tell you to kick the coffee table. So do it or don’t, but just know that Zombie never said nothing.
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Dear Zombie,

I’m going to audition for a TV singing competition, and I can’t decide what to sing to try to make the judges turn their chairs around for me. Any suggestions? I was thinking Ordinary People by John Legend or Chasing Pavements by Adele, but I’m sure you could come up with something better.

Yours,
Billy

What up, Billy?

Zombie think you gots to go with something more upbeat. If’n you sing one of them two songs, judges going to fall asleep in chairs before they can decide to turn around or not. Maybe sing something more peppy, like “Yankee Doodle Dandy” or “Jive Talkin’.” Ooh! Ooh! Zombie got it now. Sing “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” by Iron Maiden. Because Zombie notice distinct lack of 13-minute metal versions of Samuel Taylor Coleridge poems on modern karaoke shows. Also, make sure you play lots of air guitar. And don’t stop even when they ask you to. You won’t be sorry.

yrs,
Zombie
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Hi Zombie,

Why you talk like this?

Yours,
ME

Dear ME (meaning “you”),

Why you gotta make fun of Zombie? Zombie has feelings, too. Now Zombie going to sit here and pout until you apologomize.

yrs,
Zombie
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Send your questions, concerns or complaints (no, forget that last one. Zombie doesn’t want to hear it)
to: ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com
Your questions will help keep Zombie off the streets.
Do it for Zombie.


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