Ask a Zombie: “Advice to the Lovelorn” Edition

It Valentyme Day! Almost! Zombie going to answer your romantical queries. Yer welcome!

Dear Zombie,

I was wondering, do Zombies attempt to find love the same way people do? If you wanted a girlfriend (or had one) would you buy her chocolate, send her flowers and take her out to dinner in a nice restaurant? Or would you find her some nice brains or something?

Miss Zombie Love

Dear Missy,

Zombie sometimes use them things what you mention but not for “love” in the traditional, regulation human sort of way. Chocolate is pretty good for baiting traps, so sometimes zombie put that by door and when peepul come out to get it – MUNCH! As for sending flowers, anything what cause massive and pointless destruction of plants zombie is in full support of. Sometimes Zombie order a bunch of flowers and send them to fake address. Plants think they going someplace nice but it not true! HAHA! Too late for you, ugly plants. And the nice thing about nice restaurants is everybody all logy from food and junk and get all googly from feeling romantical and the lights are all dim so they not even see zombie coming.

So, yeah… Zombie not mind Valentime’s Day so much.



Dear Zombie,

About giving hearts for Valentine’s Day: must they be made of chocolate?

I Have Two Refrigerators

Dear You,



Dear Zombie,

I recently turned 29, and I’m still single. I’m not sure why—I’m attractive, intelligent, healthy, and a good person. My mother recently pointed out that there are like 25 men for every 1 woman in the state of Alaska, so maybe I should try living there for a while. What do you think?

I do look pretty in a parka, if that helps.

A Sadly Still-Single Lady

Dear SSSL,

Zombie not know a ton about Alaksaka but got some questions that maybe help you come to decision. How many of the 25 men is not already dating that 1 woman? Assuming you is at least a tiny bit diss disk picky, of those remaining how many is going to be within acceptable tolerances, age-wise? Of that number, how many is going to has seen a woman in the last 5 years and will know how to talk to you and not just point and grunt? Zombie think we prolly down to, like, 3 or 5 dudes now. And of them dudes how many is going to see you for the special flower that you are and not just somebody to darn their socks? Maybe 2? You can prolly find 2 guys where you already at. Also, it dark a lotta the time there so if you go in the winter mabey you not get a good look at anybody. And then come summer time it get light alla time and you not gonna be able to stop looking at them so…

Zombie say, stay put. Some lucky dude gonna figure you out. Then maybe you go to Alaksma together and you can be all “You had your chance, 25 dudes! You had your chance!”


Dear Zombie,

What are your favorite romantic songs for Valentine’s Day? Like, top 5.


Dear Casey,

Zombie gots pretty ect ek varied taste in muziks so it hard to pick just 5. But Zombie sometimes like to do what Zombie told so here goes. Zombie Top 5 Romantical Type Songs in Backwards Order:

5. Party All the Time – Eddie Murphy
4. Let Her In – John Travolta
5. Don’t Give Up On Us, Baby – David Soul
6. Heartbeat – Don Johnson
2. Think it Over – Cheryl Ladd
1. Bridge Over Troubled Water – Jim Nabors

Is that 5? Zombie not good at counting.


Dear Zombie-

Are you in touch with Zombie Shakespeare? If so, could you ask him to write me a sonnet for Valentine’s Day? I really think “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? / Thou art more lovely and more temperate?” is a bit ooky, but I’m happy to give him another chance.

Needs Poetry in Life

Dear Needy,

Zombie Shakespeare wanted you to know that he not write sonnets on spec, but was feeling the spirit of the season so agreed to drop this’n on you. Be sure to write Zombie Shakes a nice thank you note.

What thinkest thou a zombie know of love,
When in that bosom’s heart no rhythm keep.
Endeavor now zombie unto you prove
With simple words from which the angels weep.
Your brain as pink as summer’s sweetest flow’r
Does give one cause to traverse many miles.
Tho’ never knowing precisely which the hour
‘Twill eat posthaste not throw upon the pile.
And when ’tis done and matter all consum’d
Yon shambling ghoul will take unto its rest.
And finding not a word to rhyme “consum’d”
Will cheat a bit. Mock not. For you it’s best.
Affairs of heart do cause not else but pains.
The zombie practiced, knows to stick to brains.

Zombie (and Zombie Shakespeare)

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