Ask a Zombie: “The River is Just a River” Edition


Dear Zombie.

I’m having a little dilemma: I absolutely loathe the amount of video games and movies based on Zombies, but I love the game you’re in. How can I look forward to Plants vs. Zombies 2 without feeling hypocritical?

Silverfluff

Dear Fluffy,

You can’t. All is lost, pal. You is a sellout and a bad person.

Nah, Zombie just joshing. You know who is paying attention to this weird standard you set for yourself? Nobody. You don’t gots to like or not like all of alike things all the time. Like what you like, yo. It okay for to like some Zombie stuff but not all of it. Zombie like a good show tune but not so crazy about Les Mis. It not make Zombie hipp hypak flaky, it just mean Zombie a little bit discerning. And that Les Mis has serious structural issues that get ignored because of a coupla pretty songs. But the movie is okay ‘cuz it gots Anne Hathaway and she got a brain Zombie wouldn’t mind gnawing on.

yrs,
Zombie

________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,
How did you turn into a zombie? I was just thinking that it might be cool to be a zombie! What do you recommend? Also, are you the only zombie who can type?
Thanks,
Isa

Dear Isa,

Like the sun, Zombie just is. Probly some scientist be able to tell you how sun just is but science is not Zombie’s point. Zombie not Mister Wizard, okay? Zombie has soul of a poet. Probly from that one time Zombie ate brain of a poet. Zombie lifestyle hazard. What is Zombie to do? Anyhoo, if youse thinks maybe you wants to be a zombie, Zombie recommend a good pair of shoes. You gonna has to do a lotta walking. Also some peepulz put spikeweed on the ground they think they so clever. But if you think you gonna just be a Zombie and start your own advice column, go pound sand. This corner is all full up.

yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

I’m planning on throwing a party, I don’t know what dishes I can make with Squash, Mushrooms, Peas, and maybe jalapenos. Have any Ideas? Also I would like to hire dance zombie as entertainment for guests. BTW if dance zombie comes, tell him to avoid my neighbor.. he’s slightly crazy…

-Sincerely
Funny Frog

Dear Frog,

Know what you can make with squash, mushrooms, peas and maybe jalapenos? Garbage. That is what you can make with squash, mushrooms, peas and maybe jalapenos. They are not fit to eat and Zombie been made to eat a lot of ‘em so Zombie know of what Zombie speak. Zombie wonder who you hate enough to invite to a party what is gonna have them to eat. And just so’s you know, Dancer Zombie not never go noplace without him entourage. So if you think you gonna get, like, one Dancer Zombie, be ready for him to bring eight or eleven of his pals. That just how Dancer Zombie roll.

yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________

Hey Zombie,

What happens to Zombies who eat brains that have Mad Cow Disease?

Joseph

Hey Joe,

Zombies what eat cow brains get suspended from Zombie Club until the Board of Zombie Directors decides they has been punished enough for eating something besides regular peepul brainz. Suspension lasts a coupla weeks becuz that how long it takes cow-brain-eating zombie to get right and stop insisting errybody listen to his Frank Zappa records.

yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie.

My boss has me working the graveyard shift and I hate it. On my days off I’m up all night and can never sleep during the day. It’s leaving me feeling very brain-dead. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Your Pal

Dear Zombie Will Decide Who Am Zombie Pal And Who Not,

Sounds like you on your way to becoming a zombie. Congratumalashuns. Check mail for Zombie Welcome Kit which should arrive in the next two to six weeks. Zombie not have a lot of time to get to the post office so just be patient. Next step is to eat boss’s's brain. Or just chew it up and spit it out. Sounds like it might be a little gamey and don’t nobody like that.

yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________

Are you all, like, “Oh I have a thing and I don’t know what to do about it!”?
Because Zombie is all, “Zombie can help you with that.”
But you have to write to Zombie first.
So write. ZombieAdvice@PopCap.com


To report an offensive post, hover over the upper right hand area of the comment and click the 'x' that appears.