Ask a Zombie: “That Jackpot Question” Edition


Hey Zombie,

You make any New Year resolutions?

Sincerely,
Sue Denim

Dear Fake Name,

Zombie not make any New Year resomolutions. Here is why. On last day of old year, Zombie step in dog doo. Then on first day of new year, Zombie step in dog doo again. Besides being way upsetting to delicate Zombie sensibilities, it potent symbol of passing of time. Everybody talking about new beginnings and brighter tomorrows but Zombie knows… it all the same dumb day.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

My boyfriend sometimes complains about me smelling bad. I don’t like it! Could you eat his brains or at least scare him once? He knows I’m on your side.

Sincerely,
Nita

Dear Nita,

Or maybe Zombie call you Nita Shower. See what Zombie did there? Har har. Zombie think Zombie pretty funny. Anyway, “smelling bad” is kinda difficult to define. Do you smell like lilacs? Zombie hate lilacs. If you smell like lilacs then Zombie think maybe this “boyfriend” is on to somedthing. But Zombie not know what you smell like so not sure what to suggest. What is something “boyfriend” like? Do he like the football? Maybe you make yourself smell like a locker room. Does “boyfriend” like cars? Rub an old tire on your neck to smell like best part of car. Maybe he like video games? Stick a couple quarters in your armpits so you smell like a arcade. Do peepul still go to arcades? Or maybe just wear baloney sandwich around yer neck. Dudes love baloney sandwiches. Look, point is that possibilities are nigh-endless. Up to and including getting new “boyfriend.”

yrs,
Zombie

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Dearest Zombie,

I love you zombie. Can we get married?

-Ash

Dear Ash,

Yes, but only in certain countries and parts of Brazil, Mexico and the United States.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

Which would you prefer, a Vampire brain or a Werewolf brain?

Ben

Dear Ben,

Vampire for sure. Not because Vampire brain is expecially tasty or nothing but it would mean one less vampire wandering around, reciting poetry and constantly fishing around for compliments. Vampires are super needy and only happy when everybody telling them how good looking they be. It get old fast. Werewolfen are awesome. If’n you wants to party, party with a Werewolf. They not have much brain (which is maybe other reason Zombie prefer Vampire brain) but they loads of fun at cookouts. Terrible drivers, though, so never accept rides from them.

yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,

I am afraid of the dark and spiders. Do you have any suggestions to help me overcome my fears?
Also, I was wondering what your biggest fear is.

Thanks ^_^

-Paranoid

Dear P,

Nope. Fear is good for you. Why you want to overcome fear of dark and spiders? Oh… hold on a second… Zombie see what this is. You think maybe you can hide from Zombie in crawlspace under house but it all dark and full of spiders. How about instead of overcoming fear you just get a broom and sweep under there. Zombie will wait. No, no, it cool. Go ahead. Zombie know where you gonna be. No hurry. This is Zombie. Just waiting. Zombie have all day.

yrs,
Zombie
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A new year means all new advice from Zombie.
Write to ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
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