Ask a Zombie: “In the Shadow of John Tyler” Edition


Zombie:

Have you ever considered running for president? You would win on the undead votes by a landslide.

–Mystic

Dear Mystic,

That sounds like a great idea! Zombie would be tip-top leader. Zombie have lots of ideas how to improve whatever situation needs improving and is ready to promise anything and then just do whatever afterwards. When is next election?

yrs,
Zombie


________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

If I like a guy should I tell him even if he is dating someone else?

-Seriously Confused

Dear SeriCon,

Probly depends on how you feel about person he is dating. Do you want to go out with this guy or just make errybody’s lifes miserable? Or does you only like guy becuase he dating someone else. Are you like dog chasing car? Are you only into it for the running and barking and then you catch up to it and not know what to do with it and then you just kind of turn around and go home and hope nobody aks you what the heck that was all about?

Here’s what you do. Tell him and then run away like you are in fourth grade. Wait, are you in fourth grade? Then just do what comes naturally which is probly just the thing what Zombie just said.

Or, you know, leave him alone and go get your own boyfriend.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

I work in an office. It’s pretty much a cube farm. I just moved to a different floor and a new girl sits behind me, though we’re not in the same department. I’m trying to be nice to her as she is new but she is extremely annoying. She talks and talks and talks and has nothing to say. I have work to do and I don’t have time to be her studio audience. What should I do?

Signed,
Christine with bleeding ears in Manhattan

Dear Christine Whose Last Name is Really Long,

Turn around to listen but stare at her ear the whole time. Every 30 seconds make lout “WOOOOP!” noise then act like it did not happen. Instead of nodding and mumbling “mm-hmm” a lot, rise from your chair suddenly, slap your forehead and shout “GREAT CAESAR’S GHOST!” but, like, in the middle of her sentence. Eat popcorn while she is talking then every once in a while try to throw a piece into her mouth.

Or just put on headphones and hunch over your computer but if you do that too long, your body going to stay that way.

yrs,
Zombie

________________________________________________________

Dear Zombie,

Riddle me this. If you feed me, I live but if you pour liquid on me I die. What am I?

Anonymous

Dear A,

Zombie not usually respond to unsigned letters because that is coward’s way out, but even Zombie make eks esk break rules sometimes.

After cogitating for a bit, Zombie figure you could be a coupla things. Possibly Batman villain The Riddler from the ’60s TV show or something that needs food but can’t live in water… so some sort of land mammal? Mabey a reptile? A land mammal or a reptile who just finished eating a Popsicle® or just got a joke book? How do you not know what you are? Some questions not even Zombie can answer for you.

yrs,
Zombie

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Weird thing happened in Zombie email box. Dig it:

Hi,

My name is Laura Matthews and I would really love to tell you how blog.popcap.com
can rank even better in Google.

I’m a SEO expert working at SEO Persona and while doing
a research for some of my colleagues I found your email address and
decided to contact you immediately.

If you are interested I will be happy to send the additional information
and all the details needed to make it happen.

Thanks a lot,

Laura
SEOpersona.net

AND

Hi,

My name is Jimmy Bohannon and I would really love to tell you how blog.popcap.com
can rank even better in Google.

I’m a SEO expert working at SEO’s Site and while doing
a research for some of my colleagues I found your email address and
decided to contact you immediately.

If you are interested I will be happy to send the additional information
and all the details needed to make it happen.

Thanks,

Jimmy
seossite.com

Hello Laura and/or Jimmy,

It is kinda weird that Zombie got your emails right in a row and you both said exact same thing. What are odds of that happening? Zombie think maybe you two should get to know each other.

Anyway, here is the deal: Zombie not have any idea what either one of you is talking about.

Also if you are a growed up man and still going by “Jimmy” and you do not drive a tractor or play the sports for money, then you should know that nobody is gonna take you seriously. Might as well wear tie-dye and start all your sentences with “according to Wikipedia…”

yrs,
Zombie

________________________________________________________

Have a question for Zombie?
Write to ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
Zombie love you and want you to be happy.


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