It’s Election Day here on the PopCap blog, so it is time for you to do your civic duty!
Yes, after a long and grueling campaign season, it is finally down to this. Three candidates, one office — and your vote. Because we know that you’re busy and may not have followed the campaign until now, or, like us, even been aware that it existed, we have asked the candidates to make one final statement before you cast your vote today. And no, we don’t know what they’re running for either. Just vote anyway and don’t ask so many questions.
The candidates’ official statements:
Stinky — Insaniquarium
To say that I was humbled by this nomination would be only slightly inaccurate, because the truth is, you don’t get any humbler than being a snail. In Charlotte’s Web, humble was defined as “low to the ground,” and, well… hello! I am stunned, truly, to learn that I am a candidate for this highest of honors.
I don’t have any campaign promises for you, but that’s all right, because you know what I’m about. I’m here to help — tend your gardens, grow your piggy banks in your absence, clean up after your pets and plants. It’s my pleasure to do it; every snail needs purpose, and my role in life has been endlessly rewarding. I would do it all without receiving anything in return, and yet you’ve been kind enough to give me chocolate! The food of kings… and of much larger mollusks.
It’s anybody’s guess whether slow and steady will win this race, but I’m happy just to be considered. If you need me, I’ll be picking up shiny objects or napping behind flowerpots. There’s work to be done, and I’m the snail to do it. I’ll just leave you with my motto:
Ask not what your fish tank can do for you, but what you can do for your fish tank!
Gondola — Venice
Gliding shoreline or sailing on the sea: we all are truth and self-evidence. I have wandered far, I have seen much. My knowledge is vast, yet my celebrity is small. I ask for your vote not for my own gain, but for yours.
Time and again, as the grand city of Venice plunged underwater, I rose up and carried it. When times are bleak and waves of fear wash over our great lands, I am buoyant. I will carry you to safety.
You have come today to make a choice. Do not take it lightly. Do not waiver like a ship lost at sea. Vote for Gondola and all your dreams come true. Shout out to Bowling Green and my peeps Freddie and Frieda. Go Falcons!
Stumpy — Hammer Heads
Friends, you will read a lot about the hardships and humble beginnings of my fellow candidates here on Election Day. And let me be the first to say that they are both fine leaders, as well as personal friends of mine. And in any other year might make fine choices. But this year, today, it is about finding the candidate who truly understands you, who’s experienced the kind of hard knocks in life that you, the people, face day after day. And I ask you, has anyone experienced harder knocks in life than the gnome standing before you today? For I am not talking about metaphorical knocks, my friends. My entire professional career has been devoted to one task and one task only: Getting knocked on the head with a hammer. When not getting knocked on the head, I sit in a hole underground, waiting only to emerge, simply to be hit again. This, my friends, is the meaning of sacrifice. I do this not because I enjoy it — though make no mistake, I do love my work and give thanks every day for the opportunity I’ve been given — but because the people demand it. The people need it. And should I win this election, I promise to give the same kind of devotion that I give to getting hit on the head with a hammer.
You have three great choices before you today. I only ask you to vote with your head. And remember that I have given you mine.