Ask a Zombie: “20% Handsomer than Before” Edition


Dear Mr. Zombie,

I’m going to college soon, but I’m a bit nervous about EVERYTHING. Do you have any advice?
Love to hear from you soon!

-Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Zombie not sure Zombie went to college but thinks everyone can accept some universal true things about higher edumacation.

1. You will fill out long list of questions for housing office and your first roommate will like opposite of everything you like.

2. If you only get “freshman 10″ yer doing it wrong. College is for bulking up so you can live off blubber after you graduate and not have any money. Go for “freshman 50.”

3. Adjunct professer planned that lesson 10 minutes before class started. Tenure perfesser has not planned a lesson since 1978. Do homework accordingly.

That about all Zombie know for sure. Oh, except when you turn 25 you will wonder if mabey you shoulda just gone to trade school. The answer will be “yes.”

yrs,
Zombie


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Dear Zombie,

I have been looking at scary stories but I can’t sleep. Do you know how to actually sleep after a scary story?

Ethan B.

Dear Ethanb,

Zombie know what you talking about. One time Zombie stay up too late looking at seed catalog and had to go watch a buncha monster movies for to erase the horrible visions. So Zombie recommend monster movies right before bed. That is what the ticket is.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie

I have one tiny little question, what is √ of pi? I want all the numbers without cheating.

From
Max

Dear Max,

Square root of pi is punkin. Write it down.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

I have a problem. (Well, no kidding, because otherwise why would I send you a message) Whenever I have to go to dance lessons, I get scared. I sometimes even get so worried, I make myself feel sick! I’m worried that when I go to dance class I will hurt myself (again) or the teachers might yell at me for doing something wrong! Irish dance teachers are very tough to please. What can I do?

Sincerely,

Smellies

Dear Sincere Smellies,

Zombie have question about your question. And that question is this one right here. That was not question. Question is here. Well, right… okay here is question: is problem with dance teacher what is Irish, or with a teacher of Irish dance? Because if it the first one, Zombie not sure Zombie wanna address your weird prejudices. How can you reduce entire group of people into one… What is that? Zombie not even… If it second one, what can Zombie tell you? Errybody think they is Michael Flatley. You know who is Michael Flatley? Nobody. Except maybe guy named Michael Flatley. He is prolly still Michael Flatley. Anyway, mabey you need to take up different kind of dance. Or Gymkata. Is Gymkata still a thing? You could totally bring that back.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear A Zombie,

I think you’re so funny and cute- well, in a newly reanimated corpse sort of way. Do you have a girlfriend? If so, what sort of romantical things do you do for her? Where did you take her on your first date?

Zombie Fan

Dear Zombie Fan,

Zombie think mabey you hitting on Zombie. Zombie not sure how Zombie feel about that. Partly because Zombie not have time for relationship and also becuz how Zombie know you interested in Zombie for Zombie and not just doing research for some zombie romance novel? That Zombie’s gig so back off, sister. Also, Zombie Binged web site you say you work at hoping it maybe a cupcake blog but found out is something crazy different. If it could be, Zombie face would be very red.

yrs,
Zombie

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Have a question for Zombie?
Type at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com where (at)=@.

Seriously, Zombie mailbag got a hole in it so now it almost empty.
Write to Zombie. Then Zombie tell you what to do. Win win!


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