Ask a Zombie: “The Ol’ Community College Try” Edition

Dear Zombie,

I need help on my homework. What is the conversion of 480 cm=

Tinzo B.

Dear Tinzo,

Zombie not from Canada and Zombie also not “Jeeves” but will give this one a shot. Though it might help Zombie to know what Tinzo wants to convert centimeters to. (Just scratching surface here but Zombie already think Zombie getting to core of Tinzo’s problem.) Anyway, 480 cm is 4.8 meters or 15.758 feet 188.976 inches. But if Tinzo converting for volume, then it is about 162 ounces or 1.26 gallons. But if Tinzo trying to convert air pressure then it about 6825 psi or 470 bar. Do not quote Zombie though. Zombie just pulling numbers off top of head or possibly internet conversion calculator.

Zombie notice that Tinzo claim to attend school in the UC system. UC system have reputation for only taking biggest brains (Go Gauchos!) so based on Tinzo not being able to make basic conversions, Zombie have to believe that either Tinzo is some kind of flim-flam man who flimmed (or flammed) his way into UC system or UC system is trading on a reputation what it has not earned. Any UC Regents wanna weigh in? Seems maybe you let guy in who not even understand Base 10 and that seem more like a CSU thing. (This not a trick to find out where you hiding so Zombie can eat your big Regent brain, but Zombie not promising that won’t also happen.)



Dear Zombie,

I have so many questions for you! First, in the early levels of the game, why don’t you just walk on the brown ground where there are no plants or lawn mowers? Second, once you eat someone’s brains, do they die or become a zombie? And how does one become a zombie? Third, what do you think is the most annoying plant? Fourth, why don’t you try sneaking in through the back door instead of a head on assault? And lastly, what is it you like so much about brains? I think you should open your palette to some internal organs. I know I have a lot of questions, so I want to thank you for devoting some of your time to answer them.


P.S. How do you feel about Hypno-Shrooms?

Dear Ira,

1. Zombie not walk on “brown ground” (Zombie think you mean “dirt”) because zombie not like to get shoes dirty. Also, Zombie have raging case of plantar fasciitis and grass is softer.

2. Zombie not know what happens after Zombie eat a brain. Zombie not really care either. Goal is to eat brain, not get bogged down in undergraduate metaphysics. Do you eat a cheeseburger and then wonder what will become of wrapper?

3. Hypno-shroom. Why anybody devote their lives to turning friends against each other? Seems mean, even for stupid plants.

4. Back door? Why Zombie just now hearing about this?

5. Too many questions. You make Zombie hungry. For brains. Stop trying to pass off lesser quality product!


P.S. It worth repeating, Hypno-shroom is a jerk.


Dear Mr. Zombie

I’ve seen you’re reading that newspaper all the time. After years of reading… did you complete the sudoku?


Dear Mr. Dany,

The answer is no, and here is dirty secret reason why: this whole time Zombie has been shambling around eating brains and getting into fights with plants, Zombie just looking for a pencil.



Dear Digger Zombies,

Why u no dig and go direct into the house and eat brains?


Dear Phoe,

Name of column is Ask a Zombie, not Ask All the Zombies. But Zombie want to help so asked Digger Zombie and Digger Zombie said reason he no dig and go direct into the house is because coming through subfloor make too much noise and give him away. Actually Digger Zombie just said “Muh-huh?” and then shoved a bunch of gravel in his shirt. But Zombie think the gist of it was got.



Dear Zombie

Why can’t you just make brains? Wouldn’t it be easier than hunting for them and fighting plants? And risking your life. “Why not you just assemble enough molecules to create a corn dog?” you said to tyger 101, but we are not risking our life. Why don’t you ask zomboss? Beat that, zombie


Dear Asim,

If you are eating corn dogs Zombie not think you can claim that you are not risking your life. Do not misunnerstand, things on sticks are mabey greatest human invention but do not let Asim kid Asim about health benefits of deep fried tube of unidentified meat. Zombie getting hungry just thinking about it.



Junk Mail Jamboree

Zombie gets a lot of junk email. Let’s answer one. Shall we? Yes, let’s shall!


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7 September 2012—New York City, New York, USA—W*** is New York City’s original Dark Alternative internet radio station . We play the newest dark and dance music and live to satisfy any Goth’s hunger to embrace the more sinister and mysterious side of life.

Okay, Zombie going to have to stop you right there. Why errybody think Zombie all dark and gloomy? Don’t be fooled by the whole “shambling undead” thing. Zombie like a lot of different things and most of them is not Skinny Puppy.


Have a question for Zombie?

Type at ZombieAdvice(at) where (at)=@.
Zombie standing by. Zombie would like to sit down but can’t until you write.
So stop being selfish already and write.

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