Ask a Zombie: “Back to School” Edition

Dear Zombie,

Why every time I watch a movie there’s always a zombie clown? I hate clowns. Is there something much more creepier than a clown? Always smiling… when nothing it’s funny.


Dear Ninochka,

EVERY time you watch a movie there is a zombie clown? If this give you sadface, Zombie might have solution. Zombie going to type this real slow so you don’t miss it:

Stop… watching… movies… with… clowns… in… them.

Zombie not always sharpest tool in shed, but it seem simple even to a Zombie. Maybe there is something at play here Zombie has not considered?

Also, there is a Greta Garbo movie you should check out but Zombie not remember name of it.



Dear i,

Zombie is dumb? Zombie not the one using Comic Sans.


Dear Zombie,

Why don’t you give up on invading the same house over and over and try a different one?

Mr. Ribbons

Dear Mr. Ribbons,

Because Zombie is not a quitter, Mr. Ribbons. If Zombie stop trying every time some live person get lucky, Mr. Ribbons, then live peepuls start thinking maybe zombies a bunch of pantywaists. Zombie, Mr. Ribbons, not want live peepuls thinking they can get away with alla the dumb stuff they try to get away with.

Zombie knew a Mr. Ribbons once. You not by any chance a small dog what lives in a purse?



Dear Zombie

In middle east animals brains is served as food. So why don’t zombies try eating animals brains as well and bring an end to the fight with the humans?


Dear Nader,

Let Zombie clear up miss misk wrong thing you are thinking. Zombie not in a fight with humans. Zombie going to eat yer brains and you going to try to resist and you is going to lose. Zombie not “fighting.” Zombie coming for what Zombie needs in face of feeble attempts to stop Zombie. Maybe you call that a “fight.” Zombie call it “doing what need to be done.”

Anyway, zombies in the know can tell you that animal brains is poor substitute for the real thing. It like suggesting to guy what likes steak, “Hey some people eat animals they find dead in the road. Maybe you should do that instead of fighting with cows.”  Yes. It is exackly like that.





This is to notify you about your compensation fund that has been approved for payment.

You are hereby informed that your fund has been brought from Africa to Safe Deposit Centre London, for Safe keeping and delivery of this box to your home address. I must advice you to be serious this time, to enable our company deliver your trunk box to your home address.

Note that if no seriousness is seen from you, we have no choice but to cancel your file. We have no time to waste in this transaction any more.

Yours sincerely,
Martin Walker

Dear Probably Not Martin Walker,

Zombie upset by assertion that Zombie take things with no seriousness. Zombie have big big plans for human cash windfall. Zombie working Zombie’s way to London (now that Olympics are over, it a little easier) so youse just hang onto bucket of monies. If Zombie gets there and you don’t have it, you going to see all kind of seriousness.




Ashu shouts:
hey zombie, Y U NO CLOSE YOUR MOUTH?
Hey Ashu! Zombie not have lips. Y U gotta rub it in?

Gil who is also bad at capitalization wonders:
hey zombies,are you ready for zombie apocalypse
Dude, Zombie IS the zombie apocalypse. What you think?

Mark abbrevs:
Dear zombie: How soon can we expect the apoc? lol
Unless you are 13, please stop using “lol.” Are you 13 Mark? Are you?


Have a question for Zombie?
Type at ZombieAdvice(at) where (at)=@.
Zombie standing by. Zombie would like to sit down but can’t until you write.
So stop being selfish already and write.

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