Ask a Zombie: “Have an Egg Roll” Edition

Dear Zombie

Why can’t you just make brains? Wouldn’t it be easier than hunting for them and fighting plants?


Dear Introduction to Tyger,

Oh, capital idea! Let Zombie just get right on that. It is funny becuz Zombie has had this basil ganglia in pocket forever and did not know what to do with it. This will be perfect! How long you figure making brain gonna take? Fifteen? Twenty minutes? Oh frabjous day! Now Zombie finally have all the brains Zombie could want. Why did Zombie not think of this before? Zombie tired of accessing available resources when Zombie could just sit on ground creating something from nothing. This gonna be so great! Everything coming up Zombie!

Zombie have an idea for you, too! Why not you just assemble enough molecules to create a corn dog? Would that not be easier than driving to the mall and buying one? Now beat it, kid. You bothering Zombie.



Dear Zombie,

I currently live in Colombia, a country where zombies are not a discussions topic, however, theres a few people who always make wishes like: ”I wish to get trapped in a mall and then the whole city turns into zombies like resident evil”.

So, I asked myself… Why do you go after plants in the first place? Why don’t you go after humans? Isn’t brains your favorite dish?

And a final request, what do you think about Metallica’s latest record along with Lou Reed, LULU?

Always yours,
Juan S.

Dear Juans,

So, one of two things is happening. You is either really bad spokesman for Colombia, or Colombia is a really weird place. Which one it be, Colombia?

Anyway, Juans, Zombie is going after humans but humans put plants in the way. The End. All this plant against zombie stuff is humans’s fault. Time for humans’s to own up to damage they are causing.

And a final answer, does the Metallica/Lou Reed record have “To Sir With Love” on it? Because if it does not have “To Sir With Love” on it then they should not be allowed to call it “Lulu.”



Dear Zombie,

Yesterday I had a conversation with my parents. Well, it was more of a yelling match. They told me I had to get married. I asked them “Who said?” They said it was “The age”. I asked them, “What if I don’t? Am I going to expire? Am I going to rot like meat? Are my limbs going to fall off?” They said “Yes”. Does this mean if I don’t get married by the time I turn 30 that I will turn into a Zombie? If so, can I be the crazy ol’ Zombie cat lady? Or have other pets? I like animals. Can zombies keep pets?  Thank you so much for your advice

Thank you,

Dear Old Maid,

Sounds like parents maybe not understand how aging works. From what Zombie remember, when you turn 30 your Lifeclock turns red and that is how you know it is time to report for “Carousel” so you can be “renewed.” You can run for Sanctuary but Sandmen gonna come after you and do you want that? That Francis 7 is bad news. Anyway, Zombie not even sure if Sanctuary is real. Zombie fell asleep after scene with Farrah Fawcett.



Well zombies,

i hear you have a email now, which also means you have a computer, and i know that you guys dont own a computer so im pretty sure your in someones house eating brains right now. Anyways, hows the plant eating going? i see that you guys have scary big zombies in the roof levels. i think you should get a girl zombie in the game! i think that would be pretty cool! so are we friends, or are you just looking to eat my brains? cuz i would like to have some zombie friends. i think that would be cool!

Love From
T. Goldstone

Dear T,

There are good stones and bad stones and curbstones and gladstones and touchstones and such stones as them. There are big stones and small stones and grind stones and gall stones, but Goldstone is a gem! There are milestones, there are mill stones. There’s a cherry, there’s a yellow, there’s a blue. But we don’t want any old stone, only Goldstone will do! Moon stones, sun stones, we all scream for one stone. Mr. Goldstone we love you. Goldstone!

Sorry, Zombie distracted by song from musical “Gypsy.” Zombie not like much but love some Sondheim. Did you want something?



Dear Zombie,

Can really REALLY stupid people become zombies?

Dr. Ahmed

P.S   Why doesn’t the Earth fall?

Dear “Doctor,”

Zombie come right over and we can get a answer. Stand by.


P.S. Because it is flat and floating on water. Zombie thought everybody knowed that.


Is there a Mrs. Zuckerberg?
Zombie responds to some “friends” on “Facebook.”

Leonardo demands: Why don’t you answer the questions?
Becuz you did not say the magic word.

Yeo Han angles: Dear Zombie, when will the zombie apocalypse begin?
When? Do you think Zombie would explain if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? It started 35 minutes ago.

Mico inquires: how can u finish that sudoku puzzle when its upside down
How does anybody finish a Sudoku puzzle? Upside down, upside right… either way they not make sense.


Has a stupid question for Zombie? Zombie standing by.
Type at ZombieAdvice(at) where (at)=@.

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