Ask a Zombie: “Sure Happy It’s Tuesday” Edition

Dear Zombie,

Hello! How are you? I would like to know, if the plants didn’t try to hurt you, do you think you would be friends? I’m very curious. But then again, I talk a lot too. Could we be friends?


Dear Grace,

Can ugly plants and handsome zombies be friends? Zombie think the ship is out of the barn on that one (or whatever saying is). Zombie will never know if plants would be friends because plants never back off long enuff to find out. And here’s what Zombie not understand about plants: everything. How comes it plants just go out there and do what peepulz tell them to do without saying, “Hey, what do plants get out of it?” Plants just stand out there all like, “Durp, I just doing my job, duh-huh” and peepulz all like, “Do what I say, dumb plants, and then some of you gonna get eaten and the rest of you I will just leave out there but don’t question me for I am Alive Peepul!” Or do plants just like killing zombies? That seem heartless even for plants. So plants is either totes selfish or really dumb. Zombie going with “both.”

Could Grace and Zombie be friends? That depends how Grace feel about plants. And how Grace feel about Zombie sooner or later gonna eat your brain.



Mr. Zombie,

Why do you eat brains? They are tasteless and squishy. In my opinion they are bland (they taste like runny eggs). Unless you put salt on them. But why don’t you eat your own brain, you don’t have to go around eating ours. At least you get some vegetables when you eat our gardens.


Hello Maeve,

You am, of course, entitled to your (incorrect) opinion. Not everybody has tastes as refined as Zombie. As for why Zombie not eat Zombie’s own brain? The very question is red redik silly. What would you say if cow wrote you letter to aks, “Why not you eat your own ribs instead of eating ours?” Besides, Zombie not have a mouth that reaches top of head. And for Zombie “at least get some vegetables” that like saying, “oh at least you get some lead when you eat old paint.”



Dear Zombie, (Or Mr. Zombie, Dr. Zombie, Zombie Sr., Sir Zombie III, however you like to be addressed.)

I’m sure you probably get many brain and lawn invasion related questions, so I’ll ask something different. What do Zombies do when they aren’t hunting for brains? Do you do any recreational activities? What about TV? What do you watch, if anything?

P.S – Settle this dispute for me, Zombies and other horror creatures can only take so much stereotyping, correct?

Vlad the Ever-thirsty Vampire the fourth.

Dear Vampire,

Zombie not have a lot of time for TV as looking for brains takes a long time. Zombie work very long days, not just sleep in and only go out at night and sneak up on peepul what are sleeping. We can’t all live in castles and wear fancy shirts and sparkle in the moonlight or whatever.

Anyway, if there is time, Zombie love “House Hunters.” It give Zombie a pretty good idea where all the exits in peepuls’s houses are.


P.S. This is where P.S. go.


Dear Mr Zombie,

I have a really annoying classmate at school called Spencer, what should I do?

Best Regards

Dear Keving,

Quit school. Or quit Spencer. Or tell Spencer to quit school. Or is school called Spencer? Can school quit you? This is hard one to answer. What do Spencer do that Keving find annoying? Disagree with you about sports? Borrow your stuff and don’t give it back. Get good grades without trying? Quote your favorite movie all the time but get the quotes wrong? Sing “Do-Re-Mi” but always stop on “Ti”? Maybe problem is not that Spencer is “annoying” but that you is not annoying enough. Zombie think maybe Keving need to take long look in mirror.



Need advice? Zombie standing by.
Type to ZombieAdvice(at)
Don’t leave Zombie hanging.

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