Ask a Zombie: “Cleaning Up the Sunflower’s Mess” Edition

Dear Zombie,

Will you be my friend? I think it would be super cool to have a zombie pal!

With love and adoration,


Here is deal. Zombie will totes be your friend but – and Zombie want to be up front about this – at some point, Zombie going to eat your brain. Might be when out doing kerri kayo Japanese sing-along thing, might be one night when you come home from work, maybe over breakfast… Not sure when it will happen, but it going to happen. If you good with that, let’s roll. Zombie need new duet partner for “Up Where We Belong.”



Hi, Zombies!

How are you?

I’m teacher in school and want to teach about you zombies to my students! I’m teaching math and science! What do you think I need to teach about you at most?

Greetings from Latvia, we love you!

Dear Both of You,

Zombie am fine, thank you for aksing.

Most important thing for all peepulz to know about zombies is that zombies are wicked hansum. When you see zombies, do not run away. Stay and admire how well put together zombies is. Maybe throw hats in air and say, “Yippee! Here come zombies!” then run to zombies with arms open wide.

Make sure students write this down. Zombie know kid in back is really texting friend and not paying attention.



Hi Zombie,

I suspect my cat of being one of yours. When I’m playing Plants vs Zombies, he likes sitting down on me and that prevent me from playing and therefore from killing zombies. Did you enlist him ? Can cats be zombies? I would like to know if I have to be suspicious of him.

Thank you.

Chloé B.

Dear Chlobe,

Cats is bad news. Period. Don’t know if cats can be zombies because Zombie not get close enough to find out. They all slinky and beady eyes and doing business in your house and bringing you dead things like you need a bird with no wings and smelling like fish alla time. You not live in ocean! Why you smell like fish, cats? Then they sit on you and you all like, “oh nice kitty wuv me don’t nice kitty?” but you move your eyebrow a little and cat scratch you like you just tried to poke it with stick. Cat not love you. Cat just using you.



Hey Zombie,

Why do some of you drop coins? Is it because you sometimes buy brains?


What up, Jude,

Zombies carry lot of change for vending machine drinks. Zombie get thirsty some of time and brains not always as juicy as you think. Also, bus driver will not make change.



Dear Mr. Zombie,

Why do you only eat brains? I mean you can also eat the other parts of the body.


Dear Lady,

Why you eat doughnuts when tub of lard readily available? Why you eat potato chips when you could just pull potato out of dirt and eat that? Why you eat ice cream when you could just lick a cow?



Have question for Zombie? Write to Zombie at zombieadvice(at)
Have question for Sunflower? Why? Sunflower not care about you like Zombie care about you.

And that’s real.

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