Ask a Zombie: “Speaking Truth to Flowers” Edition

Dear Zombie,

Why do you hate Plants so much. Can’t you all just get along? How about nuts and the others? Any grudges?

Lover not Hater

Dear Not Hater,

Zombie see you have bought into plant propaganda and Zombie is very disappointed. Maybe you should aks stupid plants why they hate Zombie. Zombie just want to shuffle along in search of delicious brainz. But who keeps getting in Zombie’s way? Plants. Do Zombies line up and throw rocks at plants when plants just trying to sit there and make carbon dioxide? No. Do Zombies wait for plants to grow and then step on them until their heads fall off? No. Is asking and answering your own questions to support your argument a overused and obnoxious rhetorical tool? Yes. So how comes it plants always getting up in Zombie’s handsome, handsome face? Look, Zombie only eat plants because plants get in front of brainz. It not out of hate or disrespect or even because plants taste good (they don’t). If plants got out of Zombie’s way, this conversation would not be happening. Game would be called “Plants and Zombies Get Along Fine Because Zombies Just Eat Brains and Plants Mind Their Own Business.™” Plants is the problem, not Zombie.



Dear Zombie,

I’m getting married soon, but my ring finger keeps falling off. What should I do?

Lucky McGee

Dear Lucky M,

Staples. Glue them to inside of ring. Ring go on, staples hold finger in place. Or, make ring out of staples. Same result but you not spend all that money on ring that you could spend on other stuff. Cheap and effective! Errybody wins! Send pictures. Of wedding, not of finger. Nobody want to look at that.


Dearest Zombie,

Why haven’t you done one of those “What people think I do / What I really do” memes yet?


Dear Matt,

‘Cuz Zombie no good at Photoshop.



My left arm keeps falling off whenever I try to catch a tasty brain. What should I do? I already tried some glue. Help me please.

: D

Dear Colon D,

Use your right arm. Let Zombie know if you need to hear that one again.


Dear Zombie,

I am eloping with the gentleman I’ve been dating for 10 years. His mother doesn’t really like me and is still holding out hope we’re going to break up any day now. How do we tell her we got married?


Dear Soon-to-be-Out-of-Will,

Why not tell her with song? Here are some lyrics set to tune of “Yankee Doodle”:

Hey Old Lady, we got married.
This is how we tell you.
For 10 long years you not like me
And you probly not goin’ to.

So if you want to, keep it up
But you are my new Mama
Something Something Something Else
President Obama!

That should do it. Everybody love “Yankee Doodle.”


Facebook. It helps you overshare with the people in your life even if you just met them that one time at a party.

Kayleigh seems skeptical:
Does he reply?
Sometimes, Kayleigh. But you have to believe.

Caro makes fun and will pay for it:
Dear zombie, I have a sore throat. What can I do? Drink tea with honey and braaains?
Why would you put brains in tea? That is gross. Zombie is zombie, not a savage.

Miguel pushes his luck:
I like plants
Oh, Miguel… poor misguided Miguel. See you soon. Very, very soon.

Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. For realsies.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)

All questions become Zombie property. And when Zombie eat your brain all your thoughts become Zombie property. Zombie not make law. Zombie just enforce it.

To report an offensive post, hover over the upper right hand area of the comment and click the 'x' that appears.