Ask a Zombie: The Joseph A. Wapner Tribute Edition

Dear Zombie,

I like being online and playing flash games. But I’m also into Pokemon. Should I spend more time playing my favorite flash game website or Pokemon?

Pokemon Trainer Red

PS. What is your favorite Pokemon?

Dear Red,

Who say you has to choose? Decorate computer with Pokemon cards. Put Pikachu hat on monitor. Tape Pokemon cards to fingers and push buttons that way. Ask Pokemens on cards what they want to play then sit quietly and wait for answer. Zombie just spit-balling here, but why you not able to have it both ways?


PS. Snorlax.


Dear Zombie

Me and my little brother have had an argument because my daughter nearly knocked over his laptop. His laptop was on top of her toys and he refused to move it. He then proceeded to tell me I am an irresponsible father. Who do you think is in the right?

Yours sincerely

A PO’d brother

Oh Brother,

Suddenly Zombie feel like that shouty lady on teevee what tells everybody they are stupid and guilty alla time. Anyway, who is in right? Your daughter. She wanted her toys so she got them and didn’t let computer get in her way. Zombie not comfortable refereeing fraternal disputes but tell brother it called “laptop” not “niece’s-toy-top.” That should give him clue where he can stick it.



Dear Mr. Zombie,

I am a butler for a man named Bruce, I think he is Batman. What should I do?

Mr. Pennyworth

Dear Sir,

Zombie think that if you this guy’s butler you would pay better attention. But whatevs. Okay, let Zombie aks you some questions. Where are his parents? Does he have a ward? Do you live in a stately manor? Does he have on-again, off-again thing with lady named Julie Madison? Did you one time find dead bat in his room? Does he have big red phone with no dial? You live in house, right? How you not know these things?

Okay, do this: get a really big first aid kit and wait in the library. If he come home at 5 AM through bookcase and has broken ribs, there is answer. Plus he is going to need some aspirin. Maybe some stitches.

Oh, and good luck cleaning the cave.



Facebook Follies

Mario obeys the machines:
be careful people! just post comments! don’t go to the actual site! may be a phishing site? i was warned by my anti-virus not to go there! take this as a warning!!!

Seems anti-virus not tell you about using shift key to make capital letters. It is same key you press to make all those exclamation points.

The Machines respond:
Mario, the site is just — no phishing there :)

run! Mario!! don’t believe their lies!!! Smiley face is just to trick you! !! ! !!! !! !    !

Ron K, Supreme Overlord at the Gates of Chaos wants to know:
Why don’t zombies eat other zombies?

Zombie not have answer. Mostly surprised to learn that Supreme Overlord at Gates of Chaos is just guy named “Ron.”

Mona swoons:
Dear zombie, I’m in love with a zombie… what should I do? I met him last night, and he was great but… what should I do? Please, help me!

You met zombie and zombie did not eat brain? That was no zombie. Prolaby was vampire trying to give zombies bad name. Stupid vampires.

Lorenz moves to top of list of awesome people:
Shut up and take my money!

That is the spirit. Why more of you not like Lorenz?


Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. Srsly.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)
Or come over for coffee and we can talk about it.
Then Zombie eat your brain. Problems solved!

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