Ask a Zombie: The “Couldn’t Think of an Edition Name” Edition

Dear Zombie,

Moustache mode does not work in real life. I’ve tried and I’ve tried, day after day I look at myself in the mirror and no matter what (if I say moustache repeatedly or write it vigorously on notebook paper) I do not grow a moustache. I know it’s worked for you! Help me out here. How else can I attain bountiful facial hair?


Dear Sincere Lidia,

There be lot of different methods for making face and head extra hairy. But if Zombie being honest (and Zombie always honest) they are all bunch of hooey. Try them or whatever but don’t blame zombie if you just end up with no money and smelling like onions.

When all else fails (and it will) use big marker and draw moustache on face. Make sure it is permanent type marker for best results. Or use marker to write the word “moustache” under your nose. Zombie think kids call that “meta.”

Send pictures.


Dear Zombie,

In the spirit of human / zombie goodwill… if we were going to hang out, what sort of movies do you like? Do zombies have a sensitive side?

Yours with love and affection,
Christine the Human

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Dear Ms. the Human

Zombie like kind of movies that make human peepul sit perfectly still with back to door. Not scary movie though because one time Zombie was about to eat a dude’s brain and scary movie made dude jump. Zombie totally chipped a tooth. You know how hard it is to find good zombie dentist?

Anyway, sensitive side? Zombie not really have one of those and if Zombie did you think Zombie going to tell you? What Sun-Tzu say about showing weakness to enemy? Seriously, what he say? Zombie not read that stuff.


SuperSecret secrets in this message. If you not Christine the Human (or some other Human) you just forget whatever you read here. You hear Zombie? You forget or Zombie going to eat your brain two times. Please advise if your boss not want you reading this at work so Zombie can call boss and say “Lighten up, boss man. You used to be fun. What happened?” Advice from Zombie just advice from Zombie, not from nobody else. Heed advice (or don’t) at your peril. Just don’t complain when you don’t get your way. What are you? Baby?


Dear Zombie…

How will Seattle sports teams do this year??

Love your work…

Dear … ADAM …

Seattle still have sporting teamz? Zombie thought all them sold to Oklamahoma or something. Zombie learn something new every day. Okay, let’s see… Zombie not really follow sportingz but will make guess. Everybody going to give 110% and leave it all on field or floor or whatever. Good chance some guy will be gritty and play through pain and maybe take one for team. Oh, and football guys going to honor long history of success by changing name of place they play to “7 & 9 Stadium.”


Interesting Public Offerings
Some stuff what people say on the Facebook and what Zombie sez in reply.

Alexa steps in it:

Zombie just going to let that one sit there.

Laura gets hangry:
DEAR ZOMBIE, Should I have a ham sandwich for lunch or a cheese sandwich for lunch or should I have a ham and cheese sandwich. TELL ME ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!!

Why it have to be one or the other? Make a ham and cheese ham and cheese sandwich sandwich. Take a ham sandwich and a cheese sandwich and put a ham and cheese sandwich in between. Deep fry for maximumness.

Sociablecolt philosophizes:
So ask a zombie and you shall receive?

So it is written. You have not, because you ask not.

Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. For reals.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)
But do not type “(at)”. That would be silly. Use the @ thingy.

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