Ask a Zombie: “What Is Wrong With People?” Edition


Dear Zombie:

As a spontaneous gesture to my lovely wife, I got her the notebook and pen as you suggested.
(See last time. -Zom. Ed.)

I have a list now, but she pinned it to my head so I wouldn’t lose it. (LFG has problems with forgetting where he puts things.)

I have two problems now.
1) I can’t read list, it’s too close to my eyes. Can you help?
2) I need new brain. Pin broke the old one. Where do I find the best brainz?

Thanks!
Looking For Gifts (and Brainz now, too!)

Dear LfG(aBn,t!)

Dude, you has lot of problems. Not least of which is holidays over and you still sitting there with note pinned to face, wondering why Zombie not write back yet. Anyway, maybe you should look in mirror? But that make words backward, no? So maybe look in one mirror at reflection in different mirror so you can read list. Okay, you know what? Forget it. This getting way too complicated. Let us get to real issue. How big is “pin” wife used to stick note to your head? Maybe she trying to tell you something. Something that no present going to fix. Think about it. If you can. What with broken brain and all. (Also, Zombie not telling where best brains are. Zombie claim jumpers is the worst.)

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie:

I am trying to think of a good and creative way to tell my husband I am pregnant. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Mother-to-Be

Dear Mother,

Zombie think there are couple of ways to go about this and they mostly have to do with unanswered question of whether or not husband is also father. If husband IS father, then you could either just wait until he notices you getting bigger and when he says something about it say “I is preggo!” and then start crying and he will be so embarrassed that he will buy you nice things forever to make up for it. Or you could run around house shouting “Look what you did to me!” and he will be so confused that he will buy you nice things forever because he won’t know what else to do. Either way, you win. If milkman is father, you maybe want to tell husband via telegram from wherever you moved but did not leave new address.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

Is it true vegetarian zombies say “Graaaaains Graaaaaiiiins…” instead of ‘brains’?

Dawniel

Dear Dawniel,

Wha-? No, that not true! Who ever heard of vegetarian zombies? What is that even? You are talking some crazy kind of crazy talk. Seriously. What is wrong with you? Vegetarian zombies? Come on!

yrs,
Zombie

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Facebook? Is That Still a Thing?
In which Zombie addresses some of the stuff what people write on Facebook

Ada writes:
FOLLOW THIS STEPS:
1. COVER YOUR MOUTH WITH YOUR HAND.
2. WHISPER YOUR WISH INTO YOUR HAND.
3. POST THIS ONTO TEN OTHER COMMENTS.
4. NOW LOOK AT YOUR HAND

Zombie looking at hand. Found tooth. That last time Zombie whisper into hand, Zombie can tell you that.

Keisha asks:
How do you shave if you cannot see yourself in the mirror???

What you think Zombie am? It is vampire what not see their reflection in mirror. Not zombies. Zombie am zombie, not vampire. Pfft. Vampires. (FYI, Zombie am totally Team Jacob.)

Ettienne confuses:
Milking it to the bone, hey?

Zombie think maybe you not know how milking works. Or metaphor.

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Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. For reals.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
But do not type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.


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