Ask a Zombie: “You Think You Pretty Clever” Edition


Dear Zombie,

People say “you are what you eat.” If you eat brains, you’re a brain. So, if you’re a brain, you eat brains and all zombies eat themselves, it means that we’ll never have a Zombie Apocalypse?

Yours,
Hingrid

Dear Hingrid,

Zombie not able to count number of logical fallacies in argument, only little bit beacuase Zombie not very good at counting. “You are what you eat” is just thing what peepul say, it not a real thing. Are you salad? Or fried cheese? Or pickled herring? Nope. To Zombie you are just brain to eat. So maybe saying should be “you are what zombies eat.” Put that in your pipe and smoke it. (That also thing what peepul say. Zombie not telling you to smoke. Pleez, no angry letterz.)

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

Aside from staggering after brains, what do you like to do for exercise? And, can you dance as well as they do in the Thriller video?

Yours,
A Zombie Fan

Dear A,

Why you think Zombie need exercise? You think Zombie not look good? You think Zombie fat, don’t you? Ugh. Zombie on feet all day. Walking around looking for brainzs take all of Zombie’s limited enurgy. Zombie work hard. Why you have to come here and make fun? Zombie thought you wuz friend.

As for second part of question, Zombie not know what that is. Zombie maybe used to know but zombie lawyers say to forget that if Zombie know what good for Zombie.

yrs,
Zombie

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Zombie,

My wife has all the brainz she could want, she is very smrt.  What can I get her for Christmas?

Signed,
Looking for Gifts

Dear Looking,

Maybe get her new husband who knows what she wants and not have to ask strangers for help? No? Okay, you should buy her notebook and pen so she can make list of what she want and pin it to yer shirt. Let Zombie know how that go.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

There is something about zombies that has always confused me. Zombies eat brains. Even you have stated this. And this apparently turns the victim into a zombie as well. However, I have also heard it said that the easiest way to kill a zombie is a headshot (I would not do this, by the way). Implying that damage to the brain is the best way to kill a zombie. But the brain has already been damaged through having chunks bitten off. This seems contradictory. So how does it actually work?

One Confused Individual

Dear One,

Zombie is riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a nice suit. And this just how Zombie like it. While you standing there trying to figure out which way wind is blowing, Zombie walk up to you without you notice and BAM. You not have to think about it anymore.

yrs,
Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

There is some debate about where zombies might not go. Some say the arctic, because frozen zombie = gigantic paperweight. Others say the bayou, since zombie + alligator = fat and happy alligators. Some even say high deserts, because zombie + dessication = 20 lb weakling zombie. What do you think, is there anywhere on earth where zombies just plain don’t want to take their chances?

Daniel

Dear Daniel,

Who am having this debate? Why Zombie not invited to take part? It upset Zombie that errybody having konf canfr meetings about zombies and not aksing zombies to come. Zombie can clear up cornfusion real quick. Zombie go where there be brains. The End. Islands maybe take a little longer beacuase not all zombies know how to drive boats, but for most part we go where brains is. Zombie know you think there is way to avoid Zombie, but you just prolonging teh inevitable.

yrs,
Zombie

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Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. For reals.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
But do not type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.


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