Ask a Zombie


What is your best advice on how to win a spelling bee?

Best regards,
Robert the Soft Toy Hamster

Dear Hamster,

First thing to winning a spellling bee is to maybe not be a hamster. Zombie just spit-balling here. Hamsters only good at running on wheel and soiling wood chips. (Zombie not critt crituh making fun. Hamster is very, very good at those things.) Maybe you win spellimg bee if you be a bee. Get some wings and a stinger (but do not use it because that not going to end good for you) and Zombie bet you will be Scripps winner in no time. Winners get to eat brains of losers, too. That’s what Zombie heard, anyway.



Hi Zombie!

So there is this guy that wants orange juice, but I don’t got any. What should I do? I only have sardines and French fries. Got any advice?



Dear Melamine,

Get him juice, chop-chop. Who is going to hoist the mizzen and swab the deck if your crew get scurvy? Sorry, Zombie just assumed you are a sea captain what with the sardines and potatoses but no oranges. Maybe you are waiter. Are you a waiter? There go your tip. If you are not a waiter, tell guy to get his own orange juice. You are busy.

Zombie less than three, too.




My boyfriend won’t play zombie video games with me anymore because they involve killing zombies. I’m beginning to worry that he’s become a zombie activist. How can I fix this??? I need someone I can trust at my back when you try to eat my brains. Also, how do I get my sunflowers to sing for me?

Perplexed Herbalist

Dear Herb,

Marry him. Then be more like him. Killing zombies bad. As for your sumflowerz. Forget those guys. They do not care about anything but sumflowerz. They not your freind like Zombie is your fremd. You say they give you sun? They just make sun. They not doing it for you. See how they make it even when you do not need anymore? That is not helping. That is biology. Like when dog lick your face. Dog just doing it because you are salty and delicious, not because dog love you. And since you let dog lick your face, why you do not let Zombie to lick your face? Zombie love you. And that’s real.


Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)
But do not type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.

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